Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Who am I?

"We judge ourselves on intention, we judge others on action"

Ever feel like you are at a place where you don't know who you are or more importantly who you want to be? I am at that place right now. I have spent the last 9-12 months dismantling who I am - on a professional level, on a physical level, on a personal level and attempting to put it all back together in a package that makes more sense, at least to the outside world. And I am starting to feel lost in it all.

I am having a hard time figuring out from my past what is really me and what is really just "window dressing and walls" I have put up to protect myself from the world and to be who the world wanted me to be.

And from my present and future I am having a hard time figuring out where the line comes between being who I am and true to myself, yet at the same time being who the world is willing to accept.

I have always believed that being who you are is what is most important, that to be someone you are not is just playing a game. While many perceive me as thinking I am perfect, that is so far from the truth it is hard to fathom. I know my flaws, I know my weakness, I have long ago admitted to them and accepted them. But I am really struggling right now with whether it is better to be me with flaws but be who I am, or to become someone I am not to hide those flaws. The world wants the latter, and to be successful and loved I am feeling more and more pressure to bend to that, and learn to play the game. But I am not convinced I can be happy being some one I am not.

And even if I decide I want to play the game, who do you listen to when chosing who you become? I have multiple voices in my life trying to improve me. I know that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM is well intentioned and has what they believe to be my best interest at heart, but some days, I just wish people could accept me for who I am, flaws and all, and not want to change me so much.

I know in the end it is my choice, but as was very intelligently pointed out to me this morning, staying who I am comes at a price and I need to decide if that price is worth it.

That reality frustrates me, I guess I live in a make believe world, but in my mind people shouldn't have to pretend they are someone they aren't to fit in and get ahead and to be liked or loved. There should be a place for everyone as they are.

Don't get me wrong, I am not opposed to change, I truly embrace it. I am estatic about the changes in my body I am making and have made. But that change was one I chose for myself, because I wanted to lose the weight. That is why it worked this time. Unlike other times when I tried it to make other people happy. The changes I am struggling with are those that others want me to make in myself.

I was told this morning you don't have to change who you are on the inside, just your behavior in how you respond. Part of me sees what was said, part of me sees it as becoming someone very fake and that is something I despise. To me if you are portraying something to the world other than what you think on the inside you are living a lie. But sadly I am seeing more and more that that is what the world expects and wants. I dont enjoy that concept, I like people who are who they are. I don't like having to guess if what I am being told or seeing is real or not, to me that takes so much more energy than is necessary.

Not even sure this post makes sense at this point, I apologize to those who read for weight loss focus, I just needed this download today to try to find myself again.

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