Thursday, March 18, 2010

Let go laughing.....

"Aint no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go laughing

Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand it
Irrefutable, indisputable fact is
it happens"   "It Happens" Sugarland

I wont bother getting into the whole debate over whether a person is born a certain way or they develop that way as they grow up. There are entire libraries devoted to "nature vs nuture" and how much one can change once they are who they are. But the reality is I was born and/or developed with a brain that wants logic, and wants to understand the world around me. I want things to make sense and I want it to all fit nicely into a little package. In ways it has served me very well. It makes me good at my job, it keeps my world ordered, it helps me get myself out of difficult to solve problems.

But there are many part of my life where it is truly a hinderence. I get very frustrated when things don't make sense, I overthink, I analyze and I ruminate. Multiple times this week I have had people tell me "just don't think about it". It sounds so easy when you aren't wired the way I am. But for me, as much as I know they are right (and I do know they are right), I just have never found that off switch to my brain.

The over processing part of me is becoming more and more of a liability in this whole lifestyle change process. I am seeing more and more every day how this is more trial and error and varies by person, situation, hour of the day, than it is a calculus problem with a structured answer. And somehow I need to find a way to just roll with that, otherwise I am going to make myself and Gui absolutely nuts on a weekly (daily) basis over this and more importantly going to sabatoge all the progress I have made and hope to make.

I found myself sitting here last night "carbo crap craving again" and also trying to figure out how I could work out at a crazy hour this morning so that I could get a swim in before the 24 hour work out cut off for my metabolic test tomorrow morning. And I did all that mental gymnastics despite the fact that even if we weren't doing the test, today is supposed to be my "off day" from exercise. So the plan also had to include how I was going to hide that I did it or explain it away. Which is INSANE.

I didn't end up working out (mostly based on the fact that I promised Gui I would keep to the 6 days and as much as I value logic I value keeping my promises more) and didn't do the carbo run I so wanted to (that seems to be getting harder not easier). But it shouldn't have taken that much work and processing. I need to figure out the off switch on my brain fast!!!

Now time for some humility.....when I am wrong I admit it. When I am smug I admit it, so time for some public admittance. I went into this whole "plan" this week to prove Gui wrong. I have found if I disagree that it is easier to take that approach than trying to win the battle up front. Do what he suggests and hope that I get proven right. Which I know is absolutely stupid also, I am asking someone to help me - whose help I desperately need - and then trying to be right.  BTW I should point out this approach has NEVER succeeded in the 4 months we have been working together, I haven't been right once. Did I mention I also don't accept failure easy either and keep trying the same bad approach too until I get it right *Grin*

But again, it comes back to wanting this all to make sense, and it DOESN'T. Nothing in this plan makes sense to me yet. Eat more, workout less, lose weight. It's illogical enough to make Spock nuts! But despite the illogical nature of it, HE WAS RIGHT AND I WAS WRONG (as usual every time I take this approach). I dropped weight between Monday and yesterday. *bowing to the master* You were right!!!!!! *smile* Sorry I make this so hard on both of us!!! It's not on purpose or by choice!

My goal for the rest of the week on the eating and exercise is acceptance. No more whining about having to eat it, no more trying to game the system, no more mental gymnastics. Like the song says, time to let go laughing....

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