I'm fine....just fine....

The "infamous f word", as a friend from college called it this week. I use it all the time, but hadn't thought about how I use it in a long time until she repointed it out. Fine, ducky, greeeatttt......my code words for "not so good, but not willing to show the world that". I have been "fine" a lot lately, but luckily most people around me are pretty easy to hide that from. Don't get me wrong, its not for lack of caring, but I am pretty good with smiling and pretending I am good when I'm not - I've had a lot of practice in life. And for those that can see I am upset, I can usually sufficiently place the blame on some other stressor in my life (there are plenty to go around) and avoid the true issue. There are very few people in my life who can see through it if I am really trying to cover. I am not sure that is good, bad or otherwise it just is. It makes life easier, in both directions.

I try to be what the world thinks I am...hard, stubborn, determined and not easily shaken. But they are all a fraud, a way to protect myself. Most people have no clue what is inside. I found it funny this week that there was a trend going around facebook bragging about being a "bitch". I didn't post it on my status, but many of my friends did. A lot of people in the world see me that way. They see me as someone who thinks they know it all (a good friend even made that comment in the last week or so), who has it all figured out, who is cocky (a co-worker called me that yesterday) and most of all secure and self confident. While I can be all those things, or more accurately cant portray those things to protect myself and do have areas of my life where I am are those things, I wonder a lot what people would think if they really saw inside. Often the few I do let see it just want to shove what they see back inside and have me cover it up and be tough again. Most people don't want to see what is really there.

We had to give a speech in college years ago, describe yourself as a food. Kind of an ironic exercise for where I am right now. My food, an eskimo pie (chocolate covered ice cream on a stick). From the view the world sees it is hard and strong and well contained, but as soon as the outside cover is cracked the inside is soft and perishable and if exposed for more than a few minutes it melts down completely.

I feel like my shell is cracked today. In the last two days, two people who often see through the cover, or who I can't as easily put the cover up with (not sure which) have called me to task on things I have tried to hide, related to where I am with food and exercise lately (too little food, too much exercise) and it has left me feeling raw and exposed.

I knew before they pointed it out I was struggling, I knew I was in trouble, but as long as I kept up the shell the world didn't have to know. I feel like in the last couple weeks I have gone back 5 years in my coping mechanisms with food and my body. I feel out of control with it, I feel panicked, I feel overwhelmed and I hate it. And to be honest I feel like a fraud right now too, I have people congratulating me on how well I am doing with all of this. I am NOT doing so well right now. I am doing stupid things in stupid ways and don't know how to get out of it. Yes it is producing the right result, but as was pointed out this morning, that won't last (and is already starting to stall my progress) and beyond that, even if it does work for a few weeks or a month, to what end?

I've ended up here before, thinner than I started at the expense of my health. At a cost of messing my body up completely, of letting my stupid fears and dumb beliefs override everything my logical mind knows. And even scarier is at the cost of driving away the people who are trying to help me because my messed up thinking frustrates them so much. I thought these days were long behind me, I thought I had it right this time. Now I am not sure what to think....