Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I'm so confused...........

My friend Lisa said it best yesterday on her Facebook status..."I desperately want to understand". She got lots of comments about just accepting and so on, but sometimes that is so hard to do. Life is much easier to handle when you can make sense of things, I can't today.

I just got back from working out with Gui. It was a much better workout then on Monday. My body actually decided to show up and participate today, and he seemed to be pushing it as far as he could (which is good, although I kept growling at him the whole way through it). We did heavy weight (which I like) and a whole lot of lunges (which I don't like, but know are good for me). So today my body makes sense, but what doesn't is food and the scale.

I have already admitted, food and I struggle. I have been going through a period lately where I am not hungry and I have to really work to get in the calories I am supposed to each day. It is hard for most people to understand, but I am coming to learn that I really don't like food, it does nothing for me. I know a lot of people who eat because it makes them feel better, but that just isn't me. I would be just as content if I could run on batteries and didn't have to eat. And sometimes it is harder than others, and right now is one of those times. Yesterday I got in 75% of the calories I was supposed to, and that took a lot of effort.

In addition to not really liking to eat, or looking forward to it (its a chore for me) I also do not understand how my body and food work together. I feel like I can do the same thing two days in a row and have completely different results. Late last week I went through a period where my weight went up. Never makes me happy, but I am doing a whole lot better now riding through it than I did originally. Three months ago a 4 pound gain would send me over the edge into total meltdown, now it frustrates me but I also know it will probably rebound the next weigh in or two. I have come to terms with the up and down, but I don't get it.  This week I have lost those 4 pounds, plus another 3. I was down two pounds between Monday and today.

I know I should be happy about it, but I have also learned that all this up and down is not good. I should be losing 1-2 lbs a week consistently, and am ok with that number. But it never seems to be the case, I am either gaining or losing rapidly. I can't get my arms around how to stabilize this, mainly because I am not doing anything differently between the two.

A few weeks ago I was hearing "up your calories so you will start losing again", today I was told "up your calories so we slow down the weight loss". WTF????????? How does one ever get this all figured out when the rules keep changing?????? For someone who lives in a very analytical, cause and effect mindset the imprecision of the body and weight loss is mind blowing!

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