Friday, March 26, 2010

Being around those who accept me more than I accept myself...

Writing late Thursday night for posting Friday....

Why exactly did I stress myself out so badly about coming back here? It seems so foolish now. I had an amazing night tonight catching up with two dear friends, and the reality was, it didn't matter what I weighed. I could have weighed 50 lbs or 500 and I think tonight would have been equally as precious to me.

There are very few people on the planet who you can be away from for 20 years (19 of those without a single word of communication), and in 5 minutes feel like you never left. That despite marriages, children, careers, and half a continent between you, you could instantly slip into the most intimate of topics and conversations with as if barely a day had passed while you were apart. But tonight I had just that.

I can't say throughout the evening the physical changes in my life didn't cross my mind, or enter our conversation. As we bounced from topic to topic it came up more than once, but the more I talked about my life, about where we came from, where we are now and everything in between the prouder I became of who I am and more importantly who I am becoming. All three of us have become amazing people against some really tough odds and tonight was an acknowledgment of that. All three of us have a hundred reasons we could have given up or failed or become less than we are, and the world would have called it justified. But all three of us have overcome and become really amazing people! And I felt honored to be with them tonight.

It's funny, if you asked them what was the happiest moment for me, they would never guess it in a million years, because it would seem so insignificant to anyone who hasn't walked in my leg. But the best moment of the evening was when April wanted to show me her home, which is multiple stories, and for the first time in 14 years I didn't have to pass up the chance, or worry if I would be able to navigate the stairs. I got to just be in the minute and enjoy the beauty of her home and not my own limitation. That is HUGE for me. Walking up and down those stairs with out having any one watching to make sure I was ok or having to help me was for me as liberating as reaching the top of Mt. Everest.

I still know I am in for challenges this weekend with food, I came up a little short today on eating enough. April and Donna have gone above and beyond making sure there are tons of healthy food around and if I struggle it is no ones fault but my own. I am not avoiding eating for any reason that just not being careful enough about it. I skipped dinner today when I shouldn't have. It wasnt out of fear of the food, it just is so not a priority to me to take time out to eat, and I need to work on that this weekend.

That and sleep. I am way off my bed time the last two nights. I need to get that back in check. But right now I am too happy to sleep! I am on the East Coast where it's cool to be who you are and with people who love me no matter who that is!


  1. Each time I read your blog, I year for the day I can return to the gym. My back is almost there, but not quite ready for prime time. Keep up your hard work; it is keeping me motivated too.

  2. OH! you're in town for the big 40th! Wish I was there, I have to work. What fun!