Sunday, March 7, 2010

Beyond the trough is hysterical laughter....

"Wish that I could cry, Fall upon my knees, Find a way to lie, About a home I’ll never see.

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive, Even heroes have the right to bleed, I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede, Even heroes have the right to dream, It’s not easy to be me...

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet, Digging for kryptonite on this one way street, Only a man in a funny red sheet, Looking for special things inside of me, Inside of me"
(Superman by Five for Fighting)

I've gone to that bad place where I just start laughing at EVERYTHING. No more tears, no more stress, just hysterical maniacal laughter. I somedays really have to believe that life is just some sick joke, like an episode of "Punk'd", that we are just god's entertainment and every time we feel like we have life figured out a few more things get flung at us just to watch how well we will cope. This is turning into that kind of weekend.

As I mentioned yesterday, I am really struggling with the balance I feel I have found with my training being upended for about 6 weeks. And while I know the people around me are trying to be helpful and genuinely care, my honesty about feeling overwhelmed has mostly been met with comments about how strong I am and how I can do anything. Which while totally well intentioned can be really frustrating for me. It is very hard for me to admit when I don't feel capable of handling something, putting that vulnerability out these is incredibly scary for me and NOT something I do often or easily. So when instead of that being ok, for me to be human and have limitations, my well meaning friends try to show me why what I feel is wrong, that I am strong and should be able to do it all. Which just makes me regret even having admitted how I feel. It's easier to just smile for the world and pretend all is well than to admit its not and have it be judged.

So to that end, I woke up this morning ready to just pretend it was all well and good. That I wasn't scared, that I wasn't a wreck inside, just smile and cope on my own. Not new for me, I'm good at it. But just when I had conqured that mountain, I had another that sent me past the trough and into Gartner's forgotten stage "the den of irrational laughter".

So here was my latest realization...not only are my workouts going to be "off" during that period, but Passover starts March 30th, which means at the same time my eating habits are also going to change radically. *laughing while typing*

For those that don't celebrate Passover (Pesach)... this is the 8 days during which we remember the exodus of the Jews from Egypt. How observant people are varies, at the most liberal end nothing with yeast which has risen is eating. At the most conservative end nothing with corn, wheat, rye, oats, rice or white flour is acceptable-whole wheat flour is out too, also legumes and most nuts are also out.

My observance typically tends to fall somewhere in the middle. I try to stick to skipping anything that rises and anything with one of the five grains. I have no clue where it is going to fall this year. Part of me is thinking "great, no carbs, don't like them any way" but  at the same time I also know that my almond milk and protein powder should be out and that if I take all carbs out I am never going to get even close to the calories I need to continue to lose weight.

I know for this post to be complete there should be more, some great solution, some great plan, but the truth is, I don't know what my solution is going to be. It scares the life out of me how I am going manage all of this changing at once and away from home and the club at the same time. But truth, I can't even think it through right now. It's too much, so for now I am just going to laugh!!!!!!!

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