Thursday, March 4, 2010

Delayed reality....

I am 5-6 pants sizes smaller than I was when I started, I am 4 shirt sizes smaller than when I started. Everything is easier, I fit in everything better (my car, a plane, passing people in the hall). Logically I KNOW I have made a major accomplishment losing 62 pounds. But I just can't get my brain to absorb it. I knew it would take time, but it is starting to frustrate me. Why can't I get it?

Why when I watch an infomercial or see a magazine article and see someone lost 60 pounds do I still feel jealous and impressed at them, but I can't feel that for myself? Why when I go to buy a chair or something do I still stop myself when it says the maxium weight is 300 lbs? Why when I tell someone my weight do I still start with 3 and have to stop myself?

I know it takes time, but I want to enjoy this journey, I want to be able to enjoy the milestones but I'm not, because I am not feeling them. Saturday I will get on the scale and very well may see a milestone number...275...yet I know from every other milestone I have reached, it wont make me happy like it should. Because I can't own this yet no matter how hard I try. Why can't I?

Gui asks me every time I lose...where do you feel you lost that? Do your clothes feel any different? I frustrate him when I say I don't know, or not really. But what no one realizes is that answer frustrates me more than anyone. Logically I know I am buying smaller sizes over and over again, but I don't FEEL any different on the inside.

I never understood why when I watch programs like "What not to wear" and they had someone on who had lost a lot of weight, how that person could not see how different they looked now and be excited about it. I get it now, and quite frankly...I hate it!!!!!!!


  1. All your entries are interesting, Pam, but this one really struck me. No matter what the challenge, we humans develop this inner reality that is slow to catch up when we make changes. You expressed this so well.

  2. Don't know if this is related or not - this post and your childhood post brought this to mind...

    I work with pre-teen and teenage girls every week, have for many years now (soccer and other stuff), and it is a continuing battle to help them realize how beautiful they are, inside and out. Even the thin, socially-defined "attractive" young ladies. Just today a facebook friend (15 year old soccer girl) posted an image and captioned it "stupid big eyes".

    Our society has done a huge disservice to our girls, and the girls don't seem to have the fortitude to know otherwise. The results of these self-images are so numerous and so destructive...

    God only creates beatiful things. These shells are temporary; our souls are eternal. Teens need to hear from adults, not just parents, how much we love and care for them (in a holy way).

    Gotta run back to work...


  3. Pam.... great blog & great posts.... I can definitely relate to this one! I am still in the process of losing weight, this time I am doing it "the right way" and have a personal trainer as well... but your story reminds me of when I lost about 85 pounds 9 years ago...I went into a Lane Bryant store and tried on some clothes.... I had no one with me shopping that day, so I asked the sales clerk to give me her opinion...

    She chuckled at me.. politely... and said, "Oh honey... those are wayyyy to big for you.... I was shocked! I felt like I was so much bigger even though I had lost all of that weight... you know why? I found out that it takes a few months.. yes... a few months for our brains to catch up to our bodies.... So in time... your brain will adjust to your body... but for now... keep doing what you are doing and your posts are inspiring me to stay on track as well!