On a quick descent into the trough....

My plan for my next post had been to talk about clothes, but I think I need to make a detour from the plan and just do some downloading. I will admit I have re-written parts of this post now multiple times. I still struggle with how honest to be on here, how much to disclose, how vulnerable to allow myself to be. But I am in one of those places where I need to just unload I think or it will run around endlessly in my head and make me more upset. So here it is.....the good, the bad and the ugly from today.

The good... new friendships. I have never been great about balancing my life, especially my social life. I am a work a holic and have come at this training the same way. For those things I always find time, but when it comes to friendships and just relaxing, I am not so good at balance. It is a part of my life that has always lacked. So the last place I ever thought I would find friends or enjoy hanging out was the gym. Yet this morning I sat for over an hour and just hung out with some of the amazing people I have met through the EAT program and working out. In and out of our conversations drifted different trainers and our nutrition instructor and other LTF staff, it just seemed such a natural place to be. This was definitely the highlight of my morning, just being around people who are all on the same path I am on and not having to work at it.

The bad...my weight and my workout. Well I didn't make my milestone number of 275 today. I actually gained 2 pounds. And while I know it isnt fat and I know it will rebound this week. It's frustrating, because I know I could have prevented it, had I stuck to where I was. I know everyone around me, my trainer, the nutritionist and so on would disagree, but I am upset now for eating too many calories yesterday (around 2000), for having more carbs than I normally would have, for drinking the glass of wine when we went out last night. I knew when I got up this morning I felt fat and bloated and the scale just confirmed what I knew.

On top of that I didn't do anywhere near what I should have in my workout this morning. I was not keeping up the pace I should have, I was not in good form and I struggled with simple tasks like stepping up on a bench - something any 39 year old should be able to sail through. I can't blame it on my body today, it wasn't a bad balance day. I just was doing a crappy job with everything. I really wasted Gui's time today. Not happy with myself at all.

Then came the ugly...this is the part I have rewritten multiple times now. I am fighting my old patterns with people. Letting people into my life (beyond superficially) is really hard for me, trusting in someone is even harder and allowing myself to feel dependent on them is nearly impossible. I try so hard not to do it. I have firmly stuck to a policy over the years of "never let anyone get close enough to you that if they walked out of your life you would be upset". I know that is horrible to say, but it is how I protect myself. Every time I have strayed from that it has ended in heartbreak or my own messing things up because I destruct things to protect myself (it is easier to push someone away than to wait til they walk away).

And I am wondering now if I have made that mistake with Gui. That is going to sound incredibly shocking being my last post was about how much he has done for me, I still feel all that. But I guess I have been having a reality check the last few days on how far inside my walls I have let him get, and it hit a peak this morning.

My stress over all this started a few days ago when I looked at my calendar and realized that in the next month I am going to be away more than I am going to be here. That my training time is going to be incredibly limited. That I am going to from 3 days a week to 2 weeks without anything and less in other weeks. I know it sounds stupid but I have images of my weight going back to where it was, to losing all the progress I have made on strength and balance and being back to where I was 3 months ago. I know that is illogical, but it is where my mind is on this. I don't feel I have done this is in a way that I am able to do it all on my own, and I am kicking myself for that. Did I make a mistake having a trainer? Should I have fought through this on my own so I had it all in my hands to do no matter what?

I was holding it together on all of it, barely. Telling myself it was only 2 weeks, that it would be fine. But today on top of the "bad" above, I also found out that when I get back, 2 days later Gui leaves on vacation for two weeks. And then when he gets back I have a conference I leave for the following week for a week.

I logically know this is a temporary amount of time that it is going to be this complicated, I know I wont go backwards that much if at all, I know there are other trainers I can work with while he is gone. But the logical doesn't matter when my heart and mind start this kind of spiral. I find myself questioning my choices to now, have I let myself become too dependent on someone else? How did I even let that happen? How did my guard get dropped to this point? And I question my path going forward, do I pull back on training and learn to do this all on my own? Is that even possible? Do I just give up on the whole thing and go back to accepting where I was in life?

I'm sure given a day or two this will all seem silly and these tears and the panic I am feeling will go away, but today I really wonder if I made a critical mistake I will long regret!!!!!