Walls closing in...

I have never actually had a full on panic attack before, but I think that is what I am having this morning. I am shaking like a leaf, I can’t catch my breath, I am crying and I just want to run, but not sure what I want to run to, but it doesn’t matter, I am stuck in Bismarck and I have 20 minutes to get my crap together and meet my boss and head off to a client. That should be fun in this state of mind.


I am totally melting down this morning over food and travel. Today is the first day in the 3 weeks since Gui helped me get things back in line with my eating and exercise that I feel totally out of control with things and I am not handling it well. I don’t feel like I can handle this on the road and with Passover happening at the same time and I just want to go home.

I used to love to travel, but I have to admit I am truly starting to hate it. It makes my life so complicated and undoes all the good I accomplish otherwise and it just doesn’t seem worth it. But I don’t have a lot of choice without changing careers.

This mood probably started yesterday but I didn’t see it. When I finally got on the scale after I got back I was up 2 pounds. I tried to be ok with that, and I even kidded myself I was. I told myself it was fluid from flying or more salt than I am used to and it would be fine. But when I look at it all in the light of day again I know I am in trouble again. It started Sunday when I left the safety of Donna’s house and was back in a hotel. I skipped dinner because there was nothing decent around, yesterday I was probably short 600 calories and the rest of this week is going to be a pure nightmare with food and getting what I need. I brought almond milk, but have no blender to really do more than the protein powder with. The breakfast downstairs is all food I can’t eat due to it being Passover and I know it is going to get worse with a client provided lunch and on and on.

Add to it that my workout with Gui yesterday I only did mediocre, and for the first time in weeks I am not sore after a workout with him. I looked at the exercise options here when I arrived last night at midnight (should have been a clue to me I was starting to obsess but I missed that sign) and it is minimal and crappy.

I know I am in real trouble when I realized what I was considering…I can’t believe I am saying this, as much as I love Israel and want to see my friends there, I am seriously this morning contemplating canceling my vacation, because that trip is going to be even harder. I know I wont even have a hotel fridge there, the almond milk I rely on daily wont be accessible, getting enough protein is going to be a problem. I just don’t know if it is worth it. I feel horrible saying that, but I just don’t think I can handle going and gaining a lot of weight. Particularly since Gui will be leaving for vacation when I come back.

I have to admit that I am feeling some pressure from that front too. And I know this part is all in my head and my own stupid filters. But there is a big part of me that is worried if I come back from all this traveling and have totally blown it and gained a lot of the weight back he is going to decide I am a waste because I haven’t held it together and decide I am not worth working on. I know that sounds irrational, and I don’t feel comfortable explaining on here what triggered that, lets just say it was a conversation we had yesterday that scared me.

I better end here, I am bawling and I need to go put on the “happy client face”. Gonna be a really long week!!