Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Walls closing in...

I have never actually had a full on panic attack before, but I think that is what I am having this morning. I am shaking like a leaf, I can’t catch my breath, I am crying and I just want to run, but not sure what I want to run to, but it doesn’t matter, I am stuck in Bismarck and I have 20 minutes to get my crap together and meet my boss and head off to a client. That should be fun in this state of mind.

I am totally melting down this morning over food and travel. Today is the first day in the 3 weeks since Gui helped me get things back in line with my eating and exercise that I feel totally out of control with things and I am not handling it well. I don’t feel like I can handle this on the road and with Passover happening at the same time and I just want to go home.

I used to love to travel, but I have to admit I am truly starting to hate it. It makes my life so complicated and undoes all the good I accomplish otherwise and it just doesn’t seem worth it. But I don’t have a lot of choice without changing careers.

This mood probably started yesterday but I didn’t see it. When I finally got on the scale after I got back I was up 2 pounds. I tried to be ok with that, and I even kidded myself I was. I told myself it was fluid from flying or more salt than I am used to and it would be fine. But when I look at it all in the light of day again I know I am in trouble again. It started Sunday when I left the safety of Donna’s house and was back in a hotel. I skipped dinner because there was nothing decent around, yesterday I was probably short 600 calories and the rest of this week is going to be a pure nightmare with food and getting what I need. I brought almond milk, but have no blender to really do more than the protein powder with. The breakfast downstairs is all food I can’t eat due to it being Passover and I know it is going to get worse with a client provided lunch and on and on.

Add to it that my workout with Gui yesterday I only did mediocre, and for the first time in weeks I am not sore after a workout with him. I looked at the exercise options here when I arrived last night at midnight (should have been a clue to me I was starting to obsess but I missed that sign) and it is minimal and crappy.

I know I am in real trouble when I realized what I was considering…I can’t believe I am saying this, as much as I love Israel and want to see my friends there, I am seriously this morning contemplating canceling my vacation, because that trip is going to be even harder. I know I wont even have a hotel fridge there, the almond milk I rely on daily wont be accessible, getting enough protein is going to be a problem. I just don’t know if it is worth it. I feel horrible saying that, but I just don’t think I can handle going and gaining a lot of weight. Particularly since Gui will be leaving for vacation when I come back.

I have to admit that I am feeling some pressure from that front too. And I know this part is all in my head and my own stupid filters. But there is a big part of me that is worried if I come back from all this traveling and have totally blown it and gained a lot of the weight back he is going to decide I am a waste because I haven’t held it together and decide I am not worth working on. I know that sounds irrational, and I don’t feel comfortable explaining on here what triggered that, lets just say it was a conversation we had yesterday that scared me.

I better end here, I am bawling and I need to go put on the “happy client face”. Gonna be a really long week!!


  1. I'm not surprised by this. You'd been really obsessing over the weeks without gui and Israel. Would it be possible to shift the vacation a bit so you wouldn't have to miss so much gui time?

    I understand completely on the food thing. My diet has caused me problems while on vacation and a fridge in the room is a godsend at some places. Is there any way to get one, or could you get a cooler full of ice to keep stuff in?

  2. Mark was encouraging, :O)
    I am sorry Pam, this is hard for you I can tell
    I know you are a determined person but it is
    a challenge when you don't have the tools you need.
    Can you put protein powder in almond milk and shake it, that is what I do.
    Take care,

  3. You knew there would be times like this...this is your challenge...this is where you admit you are human. You can get thru this once you wrap your brain around a plan. Don't give up...we are here for you....and you can get thru this....you may slide back a bit, but you can do this..

    big hugs!