The silent treatment...

Sorry posts have been minimal this week. I am working through a lot of issues with food and exercise and have just kind of retreated to my place of strength, which is a quiet spot deep inside myself. Most people who know me only on the surface will be shocked by that statement. Quiet is not what most people associate with me, but when things get really tough for me it is where I go. It's one of those weeks where I regret living so far away from the ocean, because sitting on a deserted beach watching the waves crash right now would be perfect.

Short synopsis of what has gone on, my not eating enough and over working out is catching up with me and has stalled my weight loss (I started gaining this week) so Gui's recommendation for this week's plan is to raise my calories substantially (from what I was eating the last couple weeks) and to cut my exercise way back (from what I have been doing the last couple weeks) and to see what my body does with it.

I have to admit none of that makes a single bit of sense to me. I feel like everything I have learned my whole life, you lose weight by eating less, the more you work out the better, the more calories you burn the better, is in conflict with this. But I trust him to have my best interest in mind and believe in him and his knowledge and so I am giving this a shot. It can't go any worse than the results I have had the last 2 weeks on my own plan. Just as I said with Ann cooking on Saturday, I am probably at a point where I need to let someone else do the driving for a bit, and Monday I accepted on this front it was Gui for now and I would follow whatever he suggested.

Being willing to follow his plan and doing it are not the same thing. It was somewhat easy to give up the control to him, It is not easy to carry it out. The amount of food it takes to meet the calorie requirement he set seems so exhorbitant to me. I am having to force at least 1/2 of it in, and feel lousy afterwards, but I am doing it. On one hand the good news is it is making me hungry (which I never am) the bad news is it is making me desperately crave all the wrong foods and I fear acting on the cravings...I want cake, I want bread, I want pizza - and I don't want a bite of them.....I want a lot of them. That scares me more than I can express. I would rather not be hungry than be fighting myself in this way. I found myself tonight driving around fighting the urge to stop somewhere to go on a junk food binge, and I am still not sure I have it under control for the night.

On the exercise, I feel lazy and like a slacker. I feel fat from eating all this food and feel like I should be burning it off, but am committed to keeping to what is planned.

The two together are not making feel good physically, or putting in me the greatest frame of mind.

I keep telling myself that this is a normal amount of food, that my body will get used to it, that these are the right things to be doing. I keep waiting to start believing it......