Sunday, April 11, 2010

Yom Huledet Same'ach Li! Happy Birthday to me!

"We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Those who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
and for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving
walking a wire
Convinced it's not living
if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried
It is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire "

What a difference a year makes! I know I keep coming back to that phrase, but I feel like every day the contrast gets greater and greater, and I stand sometimes truly in awe of not only how much life can change in 12 short months, but how much a person can change in 12 months. Of how much I have changed

One year ago I weighed 330 plus pounds, I was barely able to walk more than a few steps without resting, I shyed away from engaging in anything that was physical or where I might be challenged with my walking or balance. I was not living, I was existing.

Today I am 70 lbs lighter, I can take on the stairs and the hills of Israel without a second thought. I am living! I control my body, not it controlling me.

But the physical side of my changes is  minor compared what was going on inside.

I have spent the last 39 years of my life convincing myself that being able to make it solely on my own, not letting others close enough to hurt me, not depending on others enough to get hurt was the smartest way to live. That by depending only on yourself you didn't risk the pain and hurt that comes with loving others and more importantly allowing them to love you. That the cost does not equal the benefit when it comes to being vulnerable and letting others in. But somewhere in there I lost track of that being my choice and came to believe that no one wanted in. That I was really alone in the world. I had carved out an existance of being along, but again it wasn't living. I gave a ton to others, but never allowed others to give to me. And now see that was a high price to pay for safety.

In the last 12 months as much as I have changed my body, my walking and my health, I have gone even further to change my heart and my head. I have allowed others in. I have allowed others to see my weaknesses as well as my strength, I have learned that I am ok to love regardless of my imperfections and my failings. I have learned that people who love you stick around decades waiting for you to be ready for them. I have learned that scars of the past are never as bad as we remember them to be. I have learned that you don't have to be perfect to be deserving of the love of others, and that you don't need to live in fear that every imperfection will drive them away. That those who matter love us for who we are, good and bad, and those who leave over the imperfections weren't worth having around in the first place. I have learned that letting others in makes us stronger not weaker!

There are a million reasons I could list why this was the best birthday I have had in 40 years, but I realize now there is only one reason that matters...its because this year I know the amount of love and caring I have around me and for the first time am able to see that and feel it!!!! I am letting people into my life who are helping me better myself and cedeing control and trust to them in ways I never have before and it feels amazing.

I have to say, it is rather ironic to me that my birthday ends in the start of Yom HaShoa (the day of Mourning for those lost in the Holocaust) tonight. It somehow makes it all the more poignant. Sitting here thinking of all the people who never got to enjoy their lives, who never made it to 40, who had their lives stolen from them, just makes me all the more grateful for the life I have!

Thank you all for the birthday wishes, for your love and support, for loving me on my good days and my bad and for making this the best birthday of my life!!!!!

Lots of Love from Tel Aviv!!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment