Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I found the missing part of my heart...

I posted back in March about why I am on this journey, about what spurred me to make these changes. At the time of that post I really couldn't narrow it down to one moment, but on my flight today I realized it really was about one moment last October. A moment where my body ruled my life and I gave in. Today I got my rematch, and I won!

When I was here in October I had the opportunity to meet a plane full of Ethiopians making Aliyah to Israel (moving to Israel to become citizens). We would be part of their first moments in their new country. It is an incredibly powerful event to be part of, and one that you don't get to do often in life. To be there when new lives begin.

As important as a moment as it was, I ended up passing on the opportunity to go to the airport and meet the plane. I knew my body would not be able to keep up and that I would face hurdles with stairs, walking and other issues that would upset me and be unfair to the rest of the group. I regretted the decision from the moment I made it and it has saddened me since. That hole in my heart was what drove me to join a health club, to find a trainer, to keep moving forward past all the challenges and setbacks of the last 4 1/2 months and almost 50 pounds.

Tonight I can say I have finally slayed the demon and will never have to miss a moment like that again. Today when we arrived I took on the same airport I feared a few months ago, and I came out the victor. Not only was I able to walk the entire airport, but I passed up the elevator outside the skyway and chose to take the 2 flights of stairs and did it without any struggle or fear.

I know for a lot of people reading that must seem so small and unimportant an accomplishment, but for me, for the first time in 15 years I feel whole again. I feel like my life is mine again. That the things the surgeon robbed me of are back and that I am a complete human being again. I was no less today than anyone on that plane. I needed no special assistance, I wasnt falling behind heading for baggage claim and I finally feel like I have gained back what was stolen.

Don't get me wrong, I have a long long way to go. I still have over 100 lbs I need to shed, and I still have challenges with my right side to overcome. I realized today I still need to get over my fear and balance issues with escalators so I can FULLY be independent everywhere I go. But today I no longer feel like my body is controlling me, I am back in charge.

Gui, I have said it a hundred times to you, but thank you! This victory is as much your hard work as mine (if not more). If you hadn't marched my butt up and down those stairs over and over again, if you hadn't fought me when I wanted to quit, if you hadn't added all that extra weight when I wanted to go easy I wouldnt be at this moment. Thank you!!!!


  1. You rock! Keep celebrating every step for each is a hard won moment!


  3. So happy to hear you're mobile again. Say hello to Laura for me and celebrate every moment in Israel.

  4. You have accomplished so much!!! Loved reading this blog page! I will say it again... you are an inspiration!!! Enjoy your trip!!!