Saturday, April 3, 2010

There is nothing more useless than the runway behind you.....the sky above you.... and the gas you left on the ground...

I don't think I had ever used the phrase "love hate relationship" before I started this weight loss adventure. Now I seem to hear it or say it on a daily basis. Mostly it is used in reference to my relationship with food, but as I was sitting in the cafe this morning talking to a friend it seemed to be more about working with the trainer.

I seem to walk away from our sessions frustrated more and more lately and feeling like maybe this isnt as great a pairing as I thought it was, in some ways we are very different and in others I wonder if we are too much alike. It makes communicating challenging and I feel like we are at odds a lot, and I know it is as frustrating for him as it is for me.

But inevitably an hour later when I have had time to process what has been said to me (and often have shed a few tears), I am extremely grateful to have him and wouldn't trade him for the world. He not only challenges me physically, but he challenges me mentally, and I need that. He pushes me outside my comfort zone on every front. And while I hate that initially (it leaves me feeling very vulnerable and at times inadequate - which was today's feeling) in the end it helps me grow so much.

Our workout today was "heavy weight" which I love, it is the hardest thing we do, but for me it is also the most fulfilling. I love the challenge and I always come away knowing that even if I can't do everything he asked, I gave all I had. That works for me! I do much better with that than the high repetition stuff and even the core work (my second favorite) where I tend to wimp out early and get bored.

Unfortunately or fortunately heavy weight also means longer breaks in between sets which leaves more talk time (much to his chagrin I wont talk while we are in the middle of something, I cant concentrate and chat) and of course the topic was food and my mental gymnastics around it all.

The trainer's approach to things (as well as what most of my friends keep telling me) is to focus (*smile* sure my EAT friends got a chuckle out of that) on the positive of what I have already accomplished. And logically I know that makes sense, so I couldn't figure out what it was annoying me so much this morning. It wasn't til I was driving around afterwards that I started to get the problem...the reality is my brain works differently than most people!!!! My motivation is not in what I have already done. It never has been on anything.

I have used the phrase on here before, that I am not wrapping my brain around how much I have changed my body, I realize now that it isnt that I don't get it. It is that that is not a driving force for me. What I have already accomplished is history to me and not what moves me and energizes me. Whether it is work or play or this stuff, I am about the NEXT challenge not the last one and that is hurting me in all this.

Please don't get me wrong, and I think many of you reading and my trainer do, just because I don't focus on what I have accomplished and it doesn't drive me, that doesn't mean I dont realize I did it all and am not proud of it, I am well aware I have lost 70 pounds and it shocks and amazes me. But that is past victories and I just don't see value in concentrating on it.

I am about the next pound to lose and how I get there, not on celebrating the 70 behind me. I am fearful the ones I still have to lose won't come off much more than I am cheering for what I have already done. And I am seeing today that makes me weird. It is not how most people are wired. And because of that people see me as not happy with what I have already done. I am just about looking forward not back. I get my motivation from what I have yet to accomplish. I think and think because I am trying to solve the next challenge!!!!

In my work life, this thinking serves me really well. It is what makes me great at Business Analysis and as a Strategic Planner. I can see the mountain ahead of me and dissect it and come up with the path around, over or through it. It isnt helping me as much with this life style change.

It gets me stuck, it frustrates me and those around me, and is making this journey much harder than it should be. This is not a logical exercise like a word problem or a business challenge. It is not black and white and it doesnt follow the rules. And that puts me way outside my arena of strength. Somehow I have to figure out how to rework the goals ahead of me to fit in my way of thinking, and not sure I know how yet.


  1. focus...yeah..focus, ROFLMAO!!! are alot like Bill in looking forward. And that can be a great driving force. hmmmm, how to get over the hump when looking at the future...focusing (giggle) need to tie the past and future together in the moment you are in...the challenge is the next few pounds, the next meal, what have you but draw on the fact you have accomplished that which you did not at times think you could - use the fact you have done it as strength to move forward....[Ras says wrap your brain around it in a different view].

  2. Kaye, thanks. It is all about F.O.C.U.S.'ing huh *smile*. Not sure if the "like Bill" is a compliement or not *grin*

    What people don't get Kaye, and I still don't think I said well, is that my struggle is not usually CAN I do something, but HOW. I don't get stuck in I can't do it, I get stuck in I can't figure out HOW to do it. Even at your house, it wasn't I can't do this, it was I couldn't figure out the how to do it. And NOTHING frustrates me more than trying to solve a problem and feeling like I can't find the solution.

    This past week was a great example, I got myself stuck and couldn't find my solution. Laura didn't do anyting on the "can I do it" side to get me moving, she just helped me find my "how". People spend a lot of time trying to make me feel better emotionally, but for me that is the unimportant part, I am way more about the practical and that is where I seem to struggle finding help at times.

  3. I get the the focusing (grin) issue... I was just trying to point out a way to tie the done it - gotta do it, together..not good at wording things, lol.

    my biggest thing in trying to help is ... I don't know how many calories you are suppose to be eating, what you cannot have...etc.. so it is hard to make suggestions on the food front or make sure I have/don't have the proper foods. btw, the plums were nummy :) the rice so

    email me some details to 'focus' on, ROFL! seriously though, jet me an email...

  4. A very wise woman and good friend of mine told me several times during a particularly tough time in my life that I needed to jump off the cliff and know that I'll sprout wings on the way down. To me, that meant that the 'how' would come after I jumped. Let me know if you want me to tell you her know her very well.