Friday, April 2, 2010

Can someone please just "blinky thing" me....I want to stop fighting this battle.....

Today was an awesome day. Got up early and went and worked out with a friend who needed some encouragement. Finally got a long standing issue at work resolved (a very nice surprise, thank you to my bosses) and then spent the rest of the day with the friend I had worked out with. We had a great lunch at my favorite middle eastern resturant (Shish in St Paul) and then did some "retail therapy". Even the shopping was great, found things I liked in every store, everything was smaller than I expected. It was just a super day. Which makes it even more frustrating where I am back to tonight, wrestling with food again.

I really wish I could figure out when in my life food became such an enemy, so I could put it to rest once and for all. I am tired of being at odds with myself every waking minute, and if I am honest that is what I am doing. I fight my entire day just to get the minimum calories in without going over and I don't know how to stop it. It's exhausting me, it is taking all the fun out of life and it is just so frustrating.

I was going to say that that battle re-started at dinner tonight but that isn't true, I fought to eat lunch and know I counted every calorie and made sure it wasn't over doing. But I kept it in check. My obsessing really started when I had to figure dinner out. I wasn't hungry, the fact that I had bought smaller sizes made me want to eat even less (more on that in a minute) and so I started pulling through my cabinets for what to eat. As I did I remembered I had an assignment for my nutrition class to throw out anything with trans fat in it, so I grabbed a garbage bag and jumped into it.

Started that project tonight was a big mistake, but didn't realize that til way too late. I should say before I start, I had already long ago done a junk food purge of my kitchen, so there really wasn't anything the trainer would probably consider "bad" left. But I still managed tonight to pull EVERY item out of the cabinet and read every label and purge way more than I should have. Everything with heavy salt, all rice, pasta and such (yeah those should have gone before Passover but didn't happen), anything with sugar, anything with the wrong fats, anythign with two many calories, too many carbs - they all went. Lets just say at the end everything on 6 shelves left fit easily on one shelf. I totally obsessed out and went crazy doing this, and feel like crap now for how my brain works.

Gui said something yesterday as we were talking about food and travel, and I have to admit when he said it, I kind of got an attitude over the comment, but he is right (as usual). The biggest battle I have to figure out is in my head on all this, and the scary part for me is I don't know how to even start that battle. I don't know how to change all the years of hearing "You are fat because you eat too much", of hearing "to lose weight eat less calories". I dont know how to make all the logical evidence of the last four months louder in my head than the past.

I couldn't even look at him yesterday when we were talking about all this and he was trying to make me see that eating nothing is always worse than eating the wrong thing, because the whole time he was saying it the "tape" in my head was finding reasons he was wrong, or didn't get it, or excuses of why I have really lost the weight I have that had nothing to do with what he was saying.

I know I am frustrating him (I heard that tone again yesterday) but I wish the world had the slightest clue how frustrating it is on my side to know I am this messed up in my thinking and not having a clue how to make it stop.

I'm exhausted and still need to go fill in my food journal for today and see how poorly I really did!


  1. Pam, STOP BEATING UP ON YOURSELF. All you can do is the best that you can. Each day is a new day. You will succeed. It will not happen overnight. Chill and enjoy a bit.

  2. I cant say it any better, find the joys, the progress, quit focusing on the negative and the hard with it!

  3. Digs thru drawer...hmmm, no blinky thing...would a tazer do??

    seriously...wish I had some words of wisdom but you have to get over this have to rid yourself of this demon. We are only human and we have challenges to overcome...some others can help us with, some we must fight ourselves. We are here for you.

    There is a song by Disturbed (yeah I know not country) part of the song goes
    We are the ones that will open your mind,
    Leave the weak and the haunted behind

    Open your mind, take in all that Gui has told you, your nutritionist, your friend Laura and others have told you. Soak it know they are right...take small steps. Leave those old demons behind. When you start thinking those thoughts...pinch yourself, [or I can loan you my tazer :)]do something to bring you back to today...where you are, all you have done, all you will do.

    ok, I will shut up...probably didn't help much but maybe made ya smile,

    love ya girl, and I know you can do this!

  4. I so get that battle Pam!!! Can't tell you how many times I have said " food is the enemy". It took many "talks" by Gui to get me to realize he was right. Too many calories ... Too few calories ... It is a constant battle I fight too. There is a happy medium and Gui and your nutritionist will help you find it. Let me know when you figure it out... So I can end my love/hate relationship with food... LOL!!
    Pam you have come so far !!!! You can do this!!!

  5. a food bank or women's shelter would appreciate the food donation. so many have bare cupboards.