Shopping for a new trainer......

The last five days feel like they have taken about 5 months! Since finding out I needed to select a new trainer in short order (immediately) I have been trying to figure out what I need, what I want and more importantly what do I base it on. Is this about a skills set, is this about a personality, is it something I am missing in the picture?

In the last week I have done a session with two different trainers, one at my home club and one at a nearby club. The two experiences have been very different. One brought to the table the strength of personality that I think I need, but the other brought more of a sense of "getting it" and being much more tuned in. It is hard to decide.

I can't figure out if the right approach is go with the first one who seems a possible choice, test out tons of different trainers, or how one makes this selection. I am becoming more and more grateful that the first time one was just selected for me. This  "paralysis by analysis" I am feeling is really overwhelming for me. I bought a house and a car without feeling this much pressure to get it right.

I know I am overthinking the decision, I am just so afraid of going backwards from where I have come to by making the wrong choice. And if I am totally honest with myself I am also TERRIFIED of selecting someone who my personality is going to be an issue for and being right back where I am in a month or two when they decide I am too much to handle or too messed up and want to be rid of me too.

I found myself the other night with the second trainer even trying to convince him what a mistake I was to work with, showing every flaw I could think of, just to prevent a repeat of where I am now. I feel really defective at the moment and want to make sure whoever I work with gets that right up front. I would rather be seen for who I am and where I am than pretend I am the model client and let anyone else down. I feel like I should come with a huge warning label at this point.

I need to solve this in short order though, I realized this morning I need that stability that the routine of my training sessions was putting in my life. I am feeling very shaky without it. My life is pretty chaotic and unpredictable, and knowing those 3 hours a week were not going to vary has given me a stability I probably undervalued until now. It was an anchor and I feel adrift without it right now.

I also need to solve it as I feel my confidence and drive eroding faster than I thought they would. All of the belief in myself, my body and the changes I have made I am questioning the reality of. Was I just playing a role the last few months and has that ended. Is it time to retreat back to who I am inside...that fat, messed up girl who hides from the world. I know in my logical mind I am not, but the emotional side of me is questioning things I shouldnt and I know the faster I can get back to working on moving my body forward the less chance I have of retreat. I need to not let this sabatoge how much work I hve done in the last 8 months, and I know it has that potential. Particularly related to my eating.

In all this stress and turmoil over trying to shop for a new trainer, there has been one great high point though. For months Gui had been telling me how I "lift more than most girls". I LOVE the heavy weight portion of workouts. There is an amazing feeling in pushing your body to the point of breaking and succeeding. While I get a good workout of the endurance stuff, it is not the same for me as the heavy weights. But I certainly never thought what I was lifting was anything amazing. I have no real basis of comparison so of course I assume I am inadequate. And I have to admit I would take Gui's comments about it as motivation and fluff but not to heart. It has been really affirming though to see the look of surprise on the new trainers faces when they need to up the weight from what they thought I could do. It shows me how far I have come and that feels really good inside. I love that my body has become strong and functional, now if I can get my heart and brain there we'll be in great shape.

Off to another test session today, hoping by Tuesday night I can just make this decision. This is taking too long and hurting too much.

PS (added Sunday at 3pm after training session). Had a phenomenal yet emotional workout today. I am more confused than ever on what to do, everytime I think I know what is right for me something changes it.

Here's my new plan, get through this week, just let the sessions I have booked happen (will give me 3 with each trainer) and then try to figure it out after next weekend. Its too emotional for me right now, its too complicated and the decision just seems too big. I am locked between my head and my heart and just need to take a week off from trying to decide.

Also hoping some other factors in this (outside my control) will play out in that time and if they do this becomes a much MUCH easier decision for me.