Sunday, August 8, 2010

Stopping at the cross road to celebrate....

I had always envisioned this journey from the hell of being 338 pounds to my goal as being one trip, with one beginning and one end. I have learned in the last couple weeks that instead it is going to be like many of the flights I take for business, multiple connecting segments. Just like I prefer direct flights, this wasn't how I would have chosen the journey to go, and in the end it wasn't really my choice, but I am optimistic that it is happening for a reason, that in the end I will be better for it,  and am doing all I can to embrace it. I would be lying if I said I was at ease yet with the change, I don't totally understand how I got here, but it is where I am at and I am moving forward...REGARDLESS AND RELENTLESS.

The one nice thing about having this stop in the middle of the journey is that it has given me time to reflect on the first 8 months. Which is something I probably wouldn't have done had things stayed status quo. It is helping me really appreciate what has happened to now and also to reset some goals and my views going forward.

The reality is that the last 8 months has FLOWN by for me. It feels like a blur, and in some ways like a dream that I wasn't really part of. Sadly I think the bluntness of the change the last two weeks has made that even more the case. In some ways it feels like none of what went on since November really happened to me. In walling off the pain I am feeling over the last two weeks, I fear I have walled off the last 8 months. As the nutritionist said this week, I have shoved it in a drawer and am working as I hard as I can to keep that drawer shut and that is probably not my best approach.

Don't get me wrong, I know I am different now, physically and emotionally, than I was when I started this, but it still feels disconnected. I can't remember what it felt like to be 338 pounds any more (which saddens me) so I have a hard time really valuing all I did to lose 100 lbs.

On a logical level I know that what I have done is miraculous at its least. How many people can say they have lost 100 lbs in under a year, how many people can say they have changed their lives this radically, how many people can say they set such a lofty goal and worked their way towards it at this pace? But I know emotionally I am still struggling to internalize that. That if I was looking at this as someone else's story, I would be standing in awe of them, but I can't find that about myself. And I need to!

So, to that end, my goal for the next five days (until the sharing of my story at the Twins game) is to really reflect and celebrate all that I have accomplished and to find that true realization of how amazing what I have done is and to chart the next chapter in the story!

This week's blog posts will all be about that goal....looking back, celebrating and looking forward!

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