Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Food...why does everyone assume it is just as simple as "just eat"

This is going to be one of those ranting, emotional blog posts because I am frustrated and angry and just at my witts end. Just got back from the gym and got the ever familiar lecture from the trainer about having to just eat, that there are no excuses, it doesn't matter how I feel...just do it. And to be honest, despite me knowing that is probably the correct, logical and rational answer, I'm sick of hearing it. I am sick of feeling like people think I am not eating just to be difficult or because I am being defiant or whatever. Don't people think if it was as easy as "just eat" I would frigging do it. Do they think I enjoy this mess? That I am doing it for attention or whatever???

NO ONE hates how things are with me and food more than I do. I expend way too much energy dealing with this every day. I just want to be normal. I want to be like all the other fat people in the world who all they have to do is eat less and the weight comes off...I would be good at that! I want to be exactly what most people imagine I am when they see me, an overeater who has no self control and would be thin if they would just give up the bad foods and eat better and exercise. I wish that was me. It would be so much easier.  I would trade my situation for that in a heart beat.

But instead I am an obese anorexic who gets fatter and fatter the more I don't eat and the more I work out. I am currently up almost 10 lbs and NO ONE but me seems to give a damn it is happening. I am the only one freaking out about it and that too is starting to drive me nuts. How much weight do I have to put back on before someone other than me starts to worry? 20 lbs? 50lbs? All the way back to where I was??? I get looked at like I am messed up for being upset I am up 10 lbs and I have had enough of that too.

I am tired of sitting down and looking at food and being repulsed, I am tired of taking a bite of something and feeling sick, I am tired of going out to eat with people and acting like I am enjoying it when in reality it is misery. I am tired of this whole stinking mess. But I have no clue how to solve it. I have tried two nutritionists and they could do nothing to help, I have tried working with a trainer and that hasn't made the eating any better, it did for short times but obviously if I am still at this point it isnt solving it, I have tried support groups, I have tried therapy and still I fight this battle every day.

I am truly at the point that I am ready to just accept going back to what I used to be weight wise and stopping the fight with food. Because I am fighting and fighting and just going backwards now. So why bother? 

I stood at the gym today and heard the lecture yet again about eating more and not over working out. I heard the "I don't care what is going on just eat" speech again (different voice same lecture) as if this is all a choice I make. I didn't choose this mess. I didn't choose this body. I didn't choose whatever the hell went on in my life that led me to this situation with food and I am sick of having to fight every day and being made to feel like I am not trying. I am doing the best damn job with this I can, and obviously my best is not good enough, so why even fight anymore?

I don't expect a magic solution, I don't expect any one else to be able to solve this for me, but I am so sick and tired of being made to feel that this is something I choose, that I am just not trying hard enough, that this is how I want it. Anyone thinks this is just a choice I made is welcome to walk in my shoes for a day or two, because then these "it doesn't matter what is going on just eat" speeches might mellow a little and I would stop having to feel like a bad child who is just being difficult!!!!

THIS IS NOT A CHOICE FOLKS! No one in their right mind would ever choose this battle to live with!

3 comments:

  1. Not sure I can help... have similar problems myself. Just don't give up! You've accomplished so much & will get through this too. Of course, you might have to get through it (and those 10 lbs) a couple of times. ;)

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  2. If the food that passes your lips, isn't your choice ... whose choice is it?

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    1. I know you probably won't see this comment, "The Manxsters" but you need to fuck off. We don't choose to be anorexic. It just kind of happens. We don't choose to constantly be in pain, or to be disgusted with food, or to hate our bodies. It isn't our choice. I'm 14, and i've been anorexic/EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) for a while. It just happened. So stop being a bitch.

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