Monday, August 30, 2010

Honesty and weight gain.....the 3 is back to a 4......

I apologize that the blog posts have been limited lately. I'm struggling in a lot of directions and the blog is just one of them. Actually it isn't about the blog, it is a struggle with just being myself or more accurately expressing myself honestly. I feel like lately doing just that has cost me a lot more than it was worth, so I find myself censoring what I share and say more than I probably ever have. The price I paid for feeling it was safe to be honest has been too high in the last 6 weeks.

Also, quite frankly, I feel like the blog has kind of taken on a life I never expected. I started blogging to share my journey and to give myself an outlet for the emotions of all this. But somewhere along the line you all started reading what I was writing (something I never expected and has brought me great joy) and I have learned over time that for some readers if my posts aren't positive I am either judged harshly and told I post for drama or effect (neither of which is the case btw) or told I am being unfair because I am not being motivational. I'm sorry if I am not always positive, but I promised when I started this blog, that I would be honest, and I need to get back to that and be who I am and where I am and share my story the only way I know how, flat out honestly.

So I will warn anyone reading any further, this is not going to be a motivational post, but if you have ever struggled with your weight, it will hopefully be honest enough to let you know we all go through this.

For the last four weeks my weight has been climbing. As of today I am up about 6 lbs from where I was when Nick first weighed me on August 6th. And to be quite honest I am not handling it well at all. I have tried to be patient and pretend I am ok with it but I am not, and I am becoming less and less ok with it every day that goes by.
I feel fat, I feel frustrated, I feel scared and yes there is part of me ready to quit. I know that isn't the right answer. But it is where I am at. I feel like I am trying so hard and going backwards and I don't see an end to it in sight, because I am doing exactly what I am supposed to and I am still gaining.

Yes I went through a couple weeks where my calories were too low, but for two weeks now I have been eating the 1200 calories I am supposed to religiously. And for anyone that thinks that eating that few calories is easy, you have never dealt with anorexia or anorexic tendencies. I have on many days had to literally force that food into my body while crying because I don't want to eat or eating makes me feel sick. But I have done it faithfully. But to no avail.

I have been working out exactly to plan too, three days a week with the trainer, three days a week cardio. Limiting my cardio to only the alotted time (vs my urge to work out around the clock) and doing exactly as told. But again, no results.

It was kind of ironically funny tonight to hear my trainer say "but that is physically impossible if you are eating right and working out". Well Nick, welcome to the disaster that is my body. That is the hardest part for me, I can follow all the rules to a T, I can be the perfect client and still not go anywhere. We have had it before where I would not lose, but I have never gained like this and it's not ok. Especially since there is no way to know if/when it will end, will I go back to 250? or even higher. That thought scares me beyond any words I could type here.

Now comes the tougher part, admitting my emotional side of this. I feel VERY VERY alone in it right now. And that is in no way a put down on my trainer, he is trying. I realized tonight talking to him, its just how I have become lately. He asked how I deal with my emotions and I realized answering him just how much I have retreated to behavior I thought I had a better handle on in the last year. I don't yell, I don't pitch a fit, I just crawl inside myself and hide. It's safer there. You don't have to worry about who your honesty will upset or drive off. But it is also a very dark lonely place smiling for the world and sitting home crying every night over the fear and the frustration. I just sit envisioning myself being back to where I was last November. Of being back at 300 lbs and I know I can't go through that all again. I feel like I am on this downhill tumble and I have no idea how to stop it and neither does anyone else and that terrifies me. Because it is one thing to live at 300 lbs when you don't know any different, but going back there now I couldn't handle. I couldn't live like that, yet it is all I think about lately is going back to that place.

What if all I have accomplished in the last year is just a fluke? I can't even handle that thought, but it's definitely something that sneaks into my mind more and more each day that the scale continues to climb.

I wish I had some great philosophical ending about how I am going to overcome this, but it would be a lie at best right now. I don't have that great answer right now, if I am totally honest I don't even have the energy to find it. I feel like when the number on the scale came up today it just drained me (despite having a good idea before he weighed me dwhat it was going to be). I feel defeated!!!! I feel like all those people who naysayed on all this were right, that it was a great ride while it lasted but maybe now I am headed back to the reality of being fat and ugly and having the life back I did a year ago. I know that sounds harsh, but it's honestly where I am tonight!!!!!


  1. Pam - Don't apologize for the emotions you are have every right to feel each and every one of them whether you want to or not. It is part of the process that will eventually get you where you want to be. I have also been trying to lose weight for a long time. It is hard. Every day is a struggle and no progress or small progress can be very deflating to your spirit. I also speak from experience. You will have ups and downs...some days it is easier than others and some periods are a huge struggle. This is not a quick fix and no one can be expected to 'be on' all them time. Keep you eye on the prize...a size medium...slow and steady it will come to you.

    It is so incredibly hard to work towards something for such a long time and it often feels like you will never get there and it would be so easy to just give up...but you won't. You are too strong for that and if you are even a little bit like me too stubborn. Besides...that's the point of giving away all the big sizes as soon as you are out of can't go back must stay the course. You can do this Pam. It won't be easy and it won't always be fun...even though we now consider working out to be fun more often then not...what a weird world we live in.

    Be honest in your blog. Those that are gaining motivation from you appreciate the hard times because they experience them too. It helps to know that you are not alone. Just ROCK!

    a former client in ND

  2. Pam,

    Where is the stress reliever? What is it? Find it! Also I am not sure if you forgot but I remember that you were suppose to eat 1500-1800 calories depending on how much you burn.

    If you eat 1200, workout and burn 500 then you are at 700 calories, that is starvation mode. I don't believe the "welcome to my body" statement. Your body works find it just needs you to feed it correctly. Until you reach a higher number you will continue to shut down your metabolism. So you are not doing the correct nutrition, just the workout part is correct.

    You need to come to terms that food is not the enemy and eat more. If you are eating 1200 because the nutrition "said so" and it is not working (which we can see it is not) go back to a higher number. When one thing doesn't work try another. You have been through this.