And the next chapter begins….I have my new trainer….

I am a pretty methodical, linear thinking. I make flow charts and analyze processes for a living. I like to feel one item is complete before I start the next dependent task on a project. When I read a book I want to finish and understand one chapter before I start the next. That makes sense to me. It’s how I think and where I feel safe. Unfortunately life is not so clean cut most of the time, and it certainly isn’t right now.

Today I opened the next chapter in my journey, I selected my next trainer to work with. But I did it having to admit I don’t totally have a grasp on the ending of the last chapter yet!

As for the new chapter, as I mentioned in an earlier post I was stuck choosing between two fabulous trainers. One (Nick) at my home club in Eagan and Todd at the LTF club in Lakeville. Both had lots and lots of great qualities and with each session I had with them I seemed to flip flop. My intent had been to do one more round of sessions (for a total of three with each) and then decide, but I realized this morning, I needed to do this and get it over. It was too much thought and emotion going into a decision I already knew the answer on. If I am honest with myself the key factors that truly mattered to me even before this change came up (location and job role) were already pre-determined anyway and in some ways made it a non-choice. I tried to convince myself for a week that the answer I thought it should be was right, even though I knew in my heart it wasn’t. I also knew the style of trainer I was looking for, and that was not a question between the two either, Nick was the better fit and that is who I ultimately selected. I as usual made this a lot harder on myself than I needed to! I knew what the pro’s and con’s list looked like, I just didn’t want to follow it to the right answer.

In the end, no matter how much I questioned my choice or tried to poke holes in it, I know I made the right choice. I am staying “home” at Eagan, I have the trainer who I think can best help me reach the next level and I feel like I have made the right choice for ME! I am looking forward to the changes in my training and how that will help me progress forward.

With all that said, I do hope on some level Todd and I can still work together periodically. One of the things I always felt like I lacked before was that solid sense of who my “back up” trainer was when scheduling issues or vacations came into play. Having trained with Todd now I feel like I have a lot better option for that going forward and knowing that is comforting.

Related to understanding and closing the last chapter, that is a lot harder. Where am I at? I have accepted Gui and I are done training together. Truth that acceptance came pretty fast. One of the great ironies in how this all played out, is I had considered when he told me he was going to Colorado saying we should be done now, but didn’t for fear I was running. I know I wouldn’t have done well with the three month “goodbye” workouts. It is not my strong suit and I would have slowly turned anything good in it bad. So while I wish the decision and transition had happened differently, I am ready to move on and embrace working with a new trainer. I can say with conviction that even if the offer came to go back (which it never would) I think this change is good for me right now and I need to pursue it. I have changed to a point that we were no longer as effective working together as we once were and I need to find that next step. I probably knew that a couple months ago, but didn’t want it to be the truth so kept going with the status quo.

Despite that level of acceptance on the change, I am still not at ease with how it happened and the emotional side of it. I am very confused on the ending. I still feel broadsided and don’t get it. And because I don’t get it, I am doing a lot of beating myself up, without knowing if it is founded or not. I fear being lost on this forever and that scares me, of never having enough understanding to find closure. The effects of that fear is part of what pushed me to finalize the change in trainers today. I was doing well with the whole situation in between training sessions, but every morning when I knew I was headed to training the tears would start again, even before I was out of bed I would wake up with this terrible feeling of sadness and loss. I would drive to training in tears and once there barely hold it together. With Todd Sunday I didn’t hold it together at all and today was not a whole lot better but at least I didn’t cry on Nick.

I realized that I was letting the one place in my life that has always been positive and successful, my training, become something I feared and dreaded and I needed to fix that fast. I needed to find stability in my training again. It is the only thing in my life that I haven’t failed at at some point and I can’t let my personal feelings of failure right now in all this become the root of my training failing. The price for that happening would be way too high. I have to keep my physical accomplishments moving…regardless!

My other challenge in all this is also trying to figure out how to have a healthy relationship going forward with Gui – whatever that means in this situation. I am not good at situations like this. Once something goes on like this, I tend to discard the situation all together. I tend to throw it all away, and even devalue what went on in the past. I am determined this time not to do that. Gui has been an important part of my life and who I have become. I can’t let today mar the past and all the good that was accomplished, and I need to figure out what it means to my future. If I can do that successfully then I think someday I will feel that this pain was worth it, I hope. He has told me over and over again that things happen for a reason and that is something I do believe. I just wish I could get to the point of understanding the reason on this one so it would stop hurting so much. I need to make sense of the last chapter even while moving on to the next one!

Oh well, that answer isn’t going to come today, so I am just going to focus on the new chapter for the moment. It is time to get back to my goals of all this….

Weight….easily be able to fit in a size medium from any store anywhere in the world. I don’t really care what the number on the scale ends up at, I just want to be able to walk into any store anywhere and never have to doubt if I can shop there.

Food…conquer or at least better manage my anorexic tendencies. This one is not going well right now and I need to get it under control again. I am back in my “eat less, lose more weight” mindset and I need to get out of that.

Fitness….my three goals remain…get certified in scuba diving and go diving; return to downhill skiing and walk the three day Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer walk. I am especially hopeful on the last one as a dear friend from South Africa said she would like to do it with me, and considering she was there when I was at my worst two years ago in Hawaii, it would be an amazing accomplishment to conquer that challenge together.

Last thoughts tonight…(since again I feel I am lacking a wonderful, poignant ending)….

1. Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive in the last week. I have cried on a lot of shoulders and I really appreciate how understanding you have been through this change. I can’t promise I am done crying, but am hopeful today is turning a corner and the beginning of a new reason to smile!!!!!

2. Congratulations to Todd. After I told him about my decision he let me know he had accepted a promotion today, he is now an Assistant Department Head in his department. Way to go and best of luck!!!!! BTW Todd, do I still get that one bullet just in case you need a reminder *grin*.

Off to Alaska again (writing this on the plane actually). Anyone want me to bring them back some Polar Bear Smooches???? Google it if you don’t know what they are, they are AWESOME! And NO to those reading this who watch my food journal, I will not be having any or bringing any back for me!