Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Celebration Week Moment: Food

Food *sigh* ok I seriously thought about leaving this topic out all together, because it is the one I still struggle with the most, but it is such an important part of my story I needed to include it. It is not a great accomplishment yet, but it is a work in progress and we are going to celebrate that!

Where I came from: I have said my entire life I never ate enough to weigh what I did. I would watch those around me eating constantly and I was still the obese one eating next to nothing. Obviously what I did eat was never healthy, I am not kidding myself on that. But I was never the fat person who gorged themselves and ate tons and tons of calories. I have fought with anorexic tendencies (and at times full blown anorexia) for as long as I can remember. I have never eaten breakfast, I would often skip lunch and dinner was usually late at night. I liked desserts, I loved ice cream and I lived for my chocolate. I lived on liquids, I have always drank a ton of water, but I was also hooked on soda and fruit juice. I love the feeling of the bubbles in soda more than the taste and that was a real addiction for me. Before I started this journey I would easily go through 6-8 liter size bottles of gingerale a day. It wasn’t about caffeine, although I like coca cola, it was about sensation, the bubbles. None of my dietary habits were made any better by the fact that I really don’t like to cook. I like fast, convenient and ready to go. A lot of times if nothing was readily available I would just skip eating versus dealing with making something.

Where I am now: Eating enough is still a huge struggle for me. Last week I averaged about 700 calories a day. I need to be above 1400 at least to keep from gaining weight. It is so hard to explain to the people around me who tell me to “just f’ing eat” but even when the food is in front of me it just don’t appeal to me. The best way I can explain how I feel with food is this…think about how you feel when you have the flu. You know you need to eat, but nothing looks good, tastes good and even when you take a few bites you are forcing yourself. That is how I am every day with food. I don’t enjoy it, I don’t look forward to it and when I do eat it is forced.

But this is about my accomplishments, and for me just realizing that I have to eat or I will start gaining weight again is progress and something I try to remember daily. While my brain still wants to revert back to the “eat less lose more weight” I know logically that is not how my body works. That the 100 lbs I have lost I have lost because I am eating enough that my body doesn’t feel it needs to be in starvation mode and retain every calorie I do eat as fat. Every time I have hit a plateau we have upped my calories and I have seen it work. Knowing all this is very frustrating for me, because I know what I need to do and yet it is so hard for me to carry through with it. I wish it was just as simple as “just f’ing eat” because this is a battle I want behind me.

I am currently working with a new nutritionist and after months of fighting the idea, when Gui was putting it out there, I have also accepted that I need to address the psychological side of my eating issues (again). That my fight with food goes a lot deeper than what I even know is driving it and I need to look at that. I am planning to address this from a “conventional” side with a therapist as well as some non-traditional methods (such as “energy work”) that the nutritionist is teaching me about. While neither of these is approaches I want to take, I am running out of excuses for fighting the idea. I am not winning this battle on my own and am now at a point with it that if I don’t address it I am not going to reach my other goals and I am not willing to be stuck here forever.

Probably my biggest accomplishment with food has been with the soda issue. The first 30 lbs I lost (the weight I lost prior to the trainer) came solely from giving up soda and fruit juices. I now live on water. I do cheat on the soda still, I still want the bubbles, but it is only once in a while and I am getting better about having a mouthful and throwing the rest out.

My Goals: My goal is simple, stop fighting with food. I want to easily reach my calorie goal without having to think about it, force myself or needing others to eat with me just because then I have to eat. I just want this struggle over and to be normal when it comes to food and eating. I want to enjoy eating healthy food, having a rare splurge and just feel like food isn’t the enemy every day of my life. I want to stop worrying if I eat I will gain weight. I just want a normal relationship with food, nothing more nothing less.

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