I grabbed this from "Murdering Meredith"'s facebook status today. It spoke to me where I am at this morning....don't exactly feel I have things under control, but not willing to throw in the towel yet, so marching into my day one baby step at a time.
"Be a Warrior"-To accept and face new challenges, with vigor and courage, in order to better oneself and others. Though the path may be long, true bravery is found in those who simply do not give up.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
The silent treatment...
Sorry posts have been minimal this week. I am working through a lot of issues with food and exercise and have just kind of retreated to my place of strength, which is a quiet spot deep inside myself. Most people who know me only on the surface will be shocked by that statement. Quiet is not what most people associate with me, but when things get really tough for me it is where I go. It's one of those weeks where I regret living so far away from the ocean, because sitting on a deserted beach watching the waves crash right now would be perfect.
Short synopsis of what has gone on, my not eating enough and over working out is catching up with me and has stalled my weight loss (I started gaining this week) so Gui's recommendation for this week's plan is to raise my calories substantially (from what I was eating the last couple weeks) and to cut my exercise way back (from what I have been doing the last couple weeks) and to see what my body does with it.
I have to admit none of that makes a single bit of sense to me. I feel like everything I have learned my whole life, you lose weight by eating less, the more you work out the better, the more calories you burn the better, is in conflict with this. But I trust him to have my best interest in mind and believe in him and his knowledge and so I am giving this a shot. It can't go any worse than the results I have had the last 2 weeks on my own plan. Just as I said with Ann cooking on Saturday, I am probably at a point where I need to let someone else do the driving for a bit, and Monday I accepted on this front it was Gui for now and I would follow whatever he suggested.
Being willing to follow his plan and doing it are not the same thing. It was somewhat easy to give up the control to him, It is not easy to carry it out. The amount of food it takes to meet the calorie requirement he set seems so exhorbitant to me. I am having to force at least 1/2 of it in, and feel lousy afterwards, but I am doing it. On one hand the good news is it is making me hungry (which I never am) the bad news is it is making me desperately crave all the wrong foods and I fear acting on the cravings...I want cake, I want bread, I want pizza - and I don't want a bite of them.....I want a lot of them. That scares me more than I can express. I would rather not be hungry than be fighting myself in this way. I found myself tonight driving around fighting the urge to stop somewhere to go on a junk food binge, and I am still not sure I have it under control for the night.
On the exercise, I feel lazy and like a slacker. I feel fat from eating all this food and feel like I should be burning it off, but am committed to keeping to what is planned.
The two together are not making feel good physically, or putting in me the greatest frame of mind.
I keep telling myself that this is a normal amount of food, that my body will get used to it, that these are the right things to be doing. I keep waiting to start believing it......
Short synopsis of what has gone on, my not eating enough and over working out is catching up with me and has stalled my weight loss (I started gaining this week) so Gui's recommendation for this week's plan is to raise my calories substantially (from what I was eating the last couple weeks) and to cut my exercise way back (from what I have been doing the last couple weeks) and to see what my body does with it.
I have to admit none of that makes a single bit of sense to me. I feel like everything I have learned my whole life, you lose weight by eating less, the more you work out the better, the more calories you burn the better, is in conflict with this. But I trust him to have my best interest in mind and believe in him and his knowledge and so I am giving this a shot. It can't go any worse than the results I have had the last 2 weeks on my own plan. Just as I said with Ann cooking on Saturday, I am probably at a point where I need to let someone else do the driving for a bit, and Monday I accepted on this front it was Gui for now and I would follow whatever he suggested.
Being willing to follow his plan and doing it are not the same thing. It was somewhat easy to give up the control to him, It is not easy to carry it out. The amount of food it takes to meet the calorie requirement he set seems so exhorbitant to me. I am having to force at least 1/2 of it in, and feel lousy afterwards, but I am doing it. On one hand the good news is it is making me hungry (which I never am) the bad news is it is making me desperately crave all the wrong foods and I fear acting on the cravings...I want cake, I want bread, I want pizza - and I don't want a bite of them.....I want a lot of them. That scares me more than I can express. I would rather not be hungry than be fighting myself in this way. I found myself tonight driving around fighting the urge to stop somewhere to go on a junk food binge, and I am still not sure I have it under control for the night.
On the exercise, I feel lazy and like a slacker. I feel fat from eating all this food and feel like I should be burning it off, but am committed to keeping to what is planned.
The two together are not making feel good physically, or putting in me the greatest frame of mind.
I keep telling myself that this is a normal amount of food, that my body will get used to it, that these are the right things to be doing. I keep waiting to start believing it......
Monday, March 15, 2010
Indoor Triathlon...
Anyone want to come try my first triathlon with me on May 23rd? You don't have to be a lifetime member, and because it is time based not distance it doesn't matter your fitness level. I have signed up, now what about the rest of you? A group of us are going to participate together!
Lifetime Indoor Tri
Lifetime Indoor Tri
Sharing my blog...
Good Morning! I have had a handful of questions this morning about if it is ok to share my blog with other people. Of course. Share at will. I have put it out here realizing it would be found and read by others, many who I won't know are reading it, and I am ok with that.
If you enjoy what you are reading enough to want to share it, feel free.
If you enjoy what you are reading enough to want to share it, feel free.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
The changes I have made...exercise
This was supposed to be the hard part, this was supposed to be where I struggled. Not for a moment would I have predicted I would be upset when told to take a day off from exercising or that I would be worried about burning too many calories. Yet both of those have come to be. Exercising is not only something I enjoy, but in full disclosure something that could easily become an addiction for me. Even if at times I don't want to go do it before I leave for the gym, by the time I get there I am excited to be starting, I love it while I am doing it and I feel so amazing afterwards.
This is definitely not how I have been my whole life. With the exception of one period after I was diagnosed with PTC where I was actively trying to deal with my weight, I have not been physically active most of my life. I did very little exercise, and after the nerve damage that dropped to nearly nothing. If anything I would find ways to avoid having to walk far, lift much or do anything physical.
That has radically changed in the last 3 months, now I am working out at least 45 minutes a day, at least 6 days a week. I had been at 7 but we recently added a "recuperation day" back into my schedule. My exercise is a combination of swimming, resistance/strength and cardio.
Swimming - For as long as I can remember I have loved the water. It is the place where I feel most in control of my body and where I don't feel my weight handicaps me. From my youngest memories of swimming lessons at Dale's Bridge, to the pool in our backyard to the pool now. Swimming relaxes me and I always feel afterwards that I have worked my entire body. Its my "happy place" when it comes to exercise. Recently I am trying not to use it as my primary exercise, as you burn less fat in the pool, but often have it as my second workout of the day.
Resistence/strength training - typically I am doing this 3 days a week, most often working with Gui for an hour each day. This is the most difficult and frustrating of all my work outs for me. There is a lot I am asked to do that I feel like I should be able to do better than I do. Better meaning faster, longer, stronger, heavier, yet despite giving it 200% it doesn't often happen the way I would like it to. Not only do I struggle with the nerve damage during this training, but also my insecurities and fears. A lot of times I am not sure if whether my limitations are from above my neck or below! For as hard as I have to struggle some days to barely get through the exercises (or even come close), on the days I get it right, the feeling afterwards of having pushed my body and my courage is worth every second of the pain and struggle. This is the piece of the puzzle I was missing in the past, and think many people who don't work with a trainer disregard. I used to think this was the part of the puzzle you added after you had gotten fit, I now see it is key to getting fit.
Cardio - the other three days of the week are cardio, most typically the treadmill. These are my least favorite workouts and the ones that take the most mental energy to stick with. I don't mind the physical part of the treadmill, I know it is doing its job. I just find it BORING beyond words. I wear an ipod, sometimes I read, but it is still a mind game not to quit early. Some days that means covering the time and not watching each minute go by, other days it means doing intervals and changing the speed or incline every couple minutes just to break it up.
The big keys I have learned to coordinating these all are: balanced proportions, changing it up regularly so that you are working different muscles and different focuses and that any one part alone wont get the job done.
This is definitely not how I have been my whole life. With the exception of one period after I was diagnosed with PTC where I was actively trying to deal with my weight, I have not been physically active most of my life. I did very little exercise, and after the nerve damage that dropped to nearly nothing. If anything I would find ways to avoid having to walk far, lift much or do anything physical.
That has radically changed in the last 3 months, now I am working out at least 45 minutes a day, at least 6 days a week. I had been at 7 but we recently added a "recuperation day" back into my schedule. My exercise is a combination of swimming, resistance/strength and cardio.
Swimming - For as long as I can remember I have loved the water. It is the place where I feel most in control of my body and where I don't feel my weight handicaps me. From my youngest memories of swimming lessons at Dale's Bridge, to the pool in our backyard to the pool now. Swimming relaxes me and I always feel afterwards that I have worked my entire body. Its my "happy place" when it comes to exercise. Recently I am trying not to use it as my primary exercise, as you burn less fat in the pool, but often have it as my second workout of the day.
Resistence/strength training - typically I am doing this 3 days a week, most often working with Gui for an hour each day. This is the most difficult and frustrating of all my work outs for me. There is a lot I am asked to do that I feel like I should be able to do better than I do. Better meaning faster, longer, stronger, heavier, yet despite giving it 200% it doesn't often happen the way I would like it to. Not only do I struggle with the nerve damage during this training, but also my insecurities and fears. A lot of times I am not sure if whether my limitations are from above my neck or below! For as hard as I have to struggle some days to barely get through the exercises (or even come close), on the days I get it right, the feeling afterwards of having pushed my body and my courage is worth every second of the pain and struggle. This is the piece of the puzzle I was missing in the past, and think many people who don't work with a trainer disregard. I used to think this was the part of the puzzle you added after you had gotten fit, I now see it is key to getting fit.
Cardio - the other three days of the week are cardio, most typically the treadmill. These are my least favorite workouts and the ones that take the most mental energy to stick with. I don't mind the physical part of the treadmill, I know it is doing its job. I just find it BORING beyond words. I wear an ipod, sometimes I read, but it is still a mind game not to quit early. Some days that means covering the time and not watching each minute go by, other days it means doing intervals and changing the speed or incline every couple minutes just to break it up.
The big keys I have learned to coordinating these all are: balanced proportions, changing it up regularly so that you are working different muscles and different focuses and that any one part alone wont get the job done.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
A full stomach and a full heart...
As I said in my post yesterday, sometimes we can right ourselves when we tumble off the path, and sometimes it takes someone else. Today was the latter. When my shell was cracked and my insides melted today I couldn't see past it. I couldn't see that I could start again and get going in the right direction. It wasn't a good feeling or place to be.
Thankfully Ann stepped in and didn't ask what I needed, or ask how I was going to solve it. But instead told me how we were going to deal with it. For as much as I don't like to cede control, it was what I needed today, I needed not to have to be the one with the plan, I needed not to have to be able to do it all, I needed to let someone else to lead the way for a few steps, because I couldn't even see the doors in front of me at that moment. And Ann in her wisdom, didn't ask me if it was ok if she lead (we both know I would have fought the idea) she just did it. And for that I am so grateful.
Ann is a new addition to my life, she is someone I met through the EAT class I am attending weekly at LTF and we have also spent a decent amount of time chatting with outside of class. We have attended a couple group work outs together and she is just fun to be around, a fitness partner in crime if you will. This morning she was the first person I saw after my work out (we had agreed to meet this morning after my time with Gui) and I wasn't in a good place when she joined me at the cafe.
After only moments of chatting she informed me we were going grocery shopping tonight together and she was going to come over and make dinner and show me some tips (I am the world's worst cook). And that is exactly what transpired.
Ann I will forever be indebted to you for what you did for me today. Thank you!
I'm fine....just fine....
The "infamous f word", as a friend from college called it this week. I use it all the time, but hadn't thought about how I use it in a long time until she repointed it out. Fine, ducky, greeeatttt......my code words for "not so good, but not willing to show the world that". I have been "fine" a lot lately, but luckily most people around me are pretty easy to hide that from. Don't get me wrong, its not for lack of caring, but I am pretty good with smiling and pretending I am good when I'm not - I've had a lot of practice in life. And for those that can see I am upset, I can usually sufficiently place the blame on some other stressor in my life (there are plenty to go around) and avoid the true issue. There are very few people in my life who can see through it if I am really trying to cover. I am not sure that is good, bad or otherwise it just is. It makes life easier, in both directions.
I try to be what the world thinks I am...hard, stubborn, determined and not easily shaken. But they are all a fraud, a way to protect myself. Most people have no clue what is inside. I found it funny this week that there was a trend going around facebook bragging about being a "bitch". I didn't post it on my status, but many of my friends did. A lot of people in the world see me that way. They see me as someone who thinks they know it all (a good friend even made that comment in the last week or so), who has it all figured out, who is cocky (a co-worker called me that yesterday) and most of all secure and self confident. While I can be all those things, or more accurately cant portray those things to protect myself and do have areas of my life where I am are those things, I wonder a lot what people would think if they really saw inside. Often the few I do let see it just want to shove what they see back inside and have me cover it up and be tough again. Most people don't want to see what is really there.
We had to give a speech in college years ago, describe yourself as a food. Kind of an ironic exercise for where I am right now. My food, an eskimo pie (chocolate covered ice cream on a stick). From the view the world sees it is hard and strong and well contained, but as soon as the outside cover is cracked the inside is soft and perishable and if exposed for more than a few minutes it melts down completely.
I feel like my shell is cracked today. In the last two days, two people who often see through the cover, or who I can't as easily put the cover up with (not sure which) have called me to task on things I have tried to hide, related to where I am with food and exercise lately (too little food, too much exercise) and it has left me feeling raw and exposed.
I knew before they pointed it out I was struggling, I knew I was in trouble, but as long as I kept up the shell the world didn't have to know. I feel like in the last couple weeks I have gone back 5 years in my coping mechanisms with food and my body. I feel out of control with it, I feel panicked, I feel overwhelmed and I hate it. And to be honest I feel like a fraud right now too, I have people congratulating me on how well I am doing with all of this. I am NOT doing so well right now. I am doing stupid things in stupid ways and don't know how to get out of it. Yes it is producing the right result, but as was pointed out this morning, that won't last (and is already starting to stall my progress) and beyond that, even if it does work for a few weeks or a month, to what end?
I've ended up here before, thinner than I started at the expense of my health. At a cost of messing my body up completely, of letting my stupid fears and dumb beliefs override everything my logical mind knows. And even scarier is at the cost of driving away the people who are trying to help me because my messed up thinking frustrates them so much. I thought these days were long behind me, I thought I had it right this time. Now I am not sure what to think....
I try to be what the world thinks I am...hard, stubborn, determined and not easily shaken. But they are all a fraud, a way to protect myself. Most people have no clue what is inside. I found it funny this week that there was a trend going around facebook bragging about being a "bitch". I didn't post it on my status, but many of my friends did. A lot of people in the world see me that way. They see me as someone who thinks they know it all (a good friend even made that comment in the last week or so), who has it all figured out, who is cocky (a co-worker called me that yesterday) and most of all secure and self confident. While I can be all those things, or more accurately cant portray those things to protect myself and do have areas of my life where I am are those things, I wonder a lot what people would think if they really saw inside. Often the few I do let see it just want to shove what they see back inside and have me cover it up and be tough again. Most people don't want to see what is really there.
I feel like my shell is cracked today. In the last two days, two people who often see through the cover, or who I can't as easily put the cover up with (not sure which) have called me to task on things I have tried to hide, related to where I am with food and exercise lately (too little food, too much exercise) and it has left me feeling raw and exposed.
I knew before they pointed it out I was struggling, I knew I was in trouble, but as long as I kept up the shell the world didn't have to know. I feel like in the last couple weeks I have gone back 5 years in my coping mechanisms with food and my body. I feel out of control with it, I feel panicked, I feel overwhelmed and I hate it. And to be honest I feel like a fraud right now too, I have people congratulating me on how well I am doing with all of this. I am NOT doing so well right now. I am doing stupid things in stupid ways and don't know how to get out of it. Yes it is producing the right result, but as was pointed out this morning, that won't last (and is already starting to stall my progress) and beyond that, even if it does work for a few weeks or a month, to what end?
I've ended up here before, thinner than I started at the expense of my health. At a cost of messing my body up completely, of letting my stupid fears and dumb beliefs override everything my logical mind knows. And even scarier is at the cost of driving away the people who are trying to help me because my messed up thinking frustrates them so much. I thought these days were long behind me, I thought I had it right this time. Now I am not sure what to think....
Please secure your mask before assisting others...
Today is going to be a "me day", no work and a lot of time at the gym. I have my strength/resistance time with Gui, then a manicure and this afternoon going to a boxing class with Ann, Karen and Kristin. I may try to squeeze swimming in there somewhere too. Only downside to all that, somehow I have to get enough food in to balance out all the calories spent, and it hasn't been a great week for that, but I am trying not to over obsess about it.
My plan for the blog today had been to talk about the financial cost of losing weight and getting fit. Real or perceived, this is a factor that holds a lot of people back. But as I started to write the post I realized that there was another topic that had to come first, self worth, because a lot of what we are willing to spend on ourselves is related to what we think we are worth.
This is going to be a very generalized statement, but I think feeling we are worth investing in, financially or otherwise, is harder for woman that it is for men. We are taught from a very young age that it is our job to take care of everyone else. We spend our days caring for our families, our friends, our coworkers, our clients, our neighbors, the charities we are part of, complete strangers, and what we give to ourselves is what is left over at the end, which is often nothing. For many of us we were raised to believe putting ourselves first is selfish and wrong.
In 2010 I am trying to unlearn those old habits, and it isn't coming easily for me. I have a great job but it takes a lot of time. I have causes I believe in with all my heart, they can take a lot of time (and money). I try to be a good friend, which can be time consuming. To this point in my life I have let all those things dictate my life. I would live around those things, if there was time left over then I could do for me. But part of my realization last year of needing to make changes was that that formula had to change. I had to make time for me the first thing in my life not the last. I have done better with that than I expected.
A year ago taking time away from working 18 hour days to go work out never would have crossed my mind, and if it did I would deny myself the right. It is still a conscious step for me to do, it isn't automatic, and some days I still scold myself for it, but I do it. Again, having the trainer has helped, being on someone else's calendar makes it harder to let those work outs become optional. Meeting up with friends to work out helps, it gives me the illusion I am not letting them down, yet in the end I am doing something for me.
If I had to pick what has probably "suffered" the most it is my job. I still do the best job I can, and I think I am good at what I do, so the quality hasn't suffered and I believe my clients are all happy and well served. But what I do see suffering is the speed at which things get done, how many of the "side items" in my job get done and how many new projects get done. While none of them have come out and said it, I am guessing my bosses are frustrated with the change, they are used to being my sole focus. And I am sure my coworkers are frustrated, they are carrying more of the tasks. But I have to say on this front I am also blessed. In July I was assigned to lead a group of amazing people, and I can say in my heart of hearts, without Hilary and Jonathan and the amount they do for me and the amount of the ball they carry at times, I don't think I could have made this change. As I am trying to find a better life balance they really have stepped in and stepped up to cover what I might be dropping. Guys you mean so much to me! Thank you for giving me the latitude to not always have everything done so I can do for me! Thank you for being there til I figure out how to take care of me and still get things done! Thank you for caring about me as much as you care about yourselves!!!!
In addition to allowing myself the time to take care of me, I have also allowed myself the freedom to spend the money to take care of myself. This has been even harder, especially as the changes in my job since July have dropped the amount I am bringing home each month (as I am doing less directly billable work). The way I have come at this weight loss has not been an inexpensive path, something I will go more into tomorrow, but I have decided I am worth investing in. That while a little less money will go to charity this year and a little less in savings, that has to be ok.
If I had to pick one factor that puts my eventual success most at risk in all this, I would say it is this topic, being able to keep myself first in my life, not falling victim to life and others needs overtaking me. I am about to head into a really crazy time at work, where my last few months I have had more control over my schedule (which in turn means control over my food, my working out, my sleep) that is going to get harder the next couple months. It also means less time to interact with those people who help me stay on track, both trainer and friends. It scares me, but I am hoping that by now enough is engrained to get me through, and if it isn't that the people around me will notice and kick my butt as necessary.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Giving up and gratitude.....
"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being." Thank you to my chevarim who help rekindle my inner spirit!
It's not too often I am asked a question and am rendered speechless, but there has been one question over and over through the last 8 months that I have never been able to answer. It is the same question, but it comes in two variations, either "Why haven't you given up yet?" or "How come this time you are able to stick with it". Tonight I was asked the first version. And as usual I gave some lame answer about being ready this time, but as I was swimming laps I looked for a better answer. It bothered me that I didn't know the truth.
It wasn't until I ran into two friends and classmates in the locker room afterwards that I realized my answer. I couldn't answer why I don't give up, because I do give up, a hundred times a day. Whether it is 5 minutes into an hour long treadmill session, or 7 reps into a 15 rep set of chest presses, or late at night when I am home in front of the tv, I give up many times a day. I doubt myself, my decisions and my ability to see this through. I feel overwhelmed, over my head and ready to retreat more times than I can count.
But the difference this time around is that I, and more importantly the people I have surrounded myself with, do not let me stay with giving up. Most of the time I can get myself back on track, but when that doesn't happen I am incredibly blessed with the people around me who, intentionally or just by being around me get me going again.
Sometimes it is as simple as an instant message with a friend, sometimes it is my trainer who always makes me do those two more reps when I believe I am past my breaking point (and I am swearing at him for making me do it *grin*), sometimes it is a really great comment from someone reading this blog. But for as many times as I give us, what is different this time around is that, I have just as many people there to prop me back up again!
Gui asked me yesterday why I don't use one of the other LTF clubs for my cardio work (we were talking about how much I love the pools there) and again, I couldn't answer. But I know now it is the same answer. My support, my home, is in the Eagan club. I know that if I falter there is going to be one or many someones around who is going to get me going again. That just by being around the people who are on this journey with me that even if we aren't interacting it keeps me going when I am ready to quit too soon or go too easy.
When I started this blog a little over two weeks ago, I really didn't know where it would go. I couldn't understand why anyone would want to read it and figured after a few days I would get bored, and more importantly those of you reading would. I was wrong on both accounts.
Writing these daily posts has turned into something I really love. It is one of the things that keeps me from quitting. It adds another layer to my accountability and helps in ways none of you could know. In addition, I have been touched over and over again by the nice messages and facebook comments I receive from those of you reading. I want you to know they are not taken for granted and mean so much to me.
Thank you for reading, thank you for caring and thank you all for being there when I need that extra push!
The reason it is working this time, is because we are all doing it together.
It's not too often I am asked a question and am rendered speechless, but there has been one question over and over through the last 8 months that I have never been able to answer. It is the same question, but it comes in two variations, either "Why haven't you given up yet?" or "How come this time you are able to stick with it". Tonight I was asked the first version. And as usual I gave some lame answer about being ready this time, but as I was swimming laps I looked for a better answer. It bothered me that I didn't know the truth.
It wasn't until I ran into two friends and classmates in the locker room afterwards that I realized my answer. I couldn't answer why I don't give up, because I do give up, a hundred times a day. Whether it is 5 minutes into an hour long treadmill session, or 7 reps into a 15 rep set of chest presses, or late at night when I am home in front of the tv, I give up many times a day. I doubt myself, my decisions and my ability to see this through. I feel overwhelmed, over my head and ready to retreat more times than I can count.
But the difference this time around is that I, and more importantly the people I have surrounded myself with, do not let me stay with giving up. Most of the time I can get myself back on track, but when that doesn't happen I am incredibly blessed with the people around me who, intentionally or just by being around me get me going again.
Sometimes it is as simple as an instant message with a friend, sometimes it is my trainer who always makes me do those two more reps when I believe I am past my breaking point (and I am swearing at him for making me do it *grin*), sometimes it is a really great comment from someone reading this blog. But for as many times as I give us, what is different this time around is that, I have just as many people there to prop me back up again!
Gui asked me yesterday why I don't use one of the other LTF clubs for my cardio work (we were talking about how much I love the pools there) and again, I couldn't answer. But I know now it is the same answer. My support, my home, is in the Eagan club. I know that if I falter there is going to be one or many someones around who is going to get me going again. That just by being around the people who are on this journey with me that even if we aren't interacting it keeps me going when I am ready to quit too soon or go too easy.
When I started this blog a little over two weeks ago, I really didn't know where it would go. I couldn't understand why anyone would want to read it and figured after a few days I would get bored, and more importantly those of you reading would. I was wrong on both accounts.
Writing these daily posts has turned into something I really love. It is one of the things that keeps me from quitting. It adds another layer to my accountability and helps in ways none of you could know. In addition, I have been touched over and over again by the nice messages and facebook comments I receive from those of you reading. I want you to know they are not taken for granted and mean so much to me.
Thank you for reading, thank you for caring and thank you all for being there when I need that extra push!
The reason it is working this time, is because we are all doing it together.
PS on the bathing suit shopping
I learned tonight I hadn't made it clear if the suit in the picture was the one I bought. YES! I grabbed the picture from their website.
The changes I have made...sleep
My entire life I have been a night person. From as young as I can remember I would stay up late reading or doing something and then have to drag myself out of bed in the morning, feeling unrested and grumpy. I normally can't fall asleep earlier even if I go to bed earlier. My brain just churns and it is still 2am before I am asleep.
The happiest I ever was schedule wise was the summer I worked nights, went to work at 7 pm, finished at 1am, left work, hung out with friends and til the sun came up and then went home to bed. That is my normal clock. Unfortunately that clock seems to have also been playing a role in my weight issues.
The only period in my life where I was up in the morning and felt fully awake and refreshed was when we were treating my PTC with a certain medication which alters neurochemicals in the brain. During that time, I was awake before the alarm clock and felt truly rested and ready to tackle the world when I got out of bed. Truth, it was kind of scary for me to be like that, but I was really productive so that was good.
That was a long time ago, over a decade, and was back living my "night life" happily. Then during the second month of working with Gui we hit a plateau on my weight loss and were dissecting all the possible causes. Sleep was a topic that came up and surprised me. For as much biology as I have studied, I had never put together the link between sleep and weight, although now it makes perfect sense...too little sleep throws your entire body off especially hormonally and chemically.
But changing that is easier said than done. My goal wass to try to be to bed no later than 11pm each night and up by 7. It didn't go well on its own, so I looked for assistance. I was not willing nor able to go back to the medication I had originally taken and really didn't want to take another prescription medicine. So this time around I am trying a supplement approach to my sleep cycle, something analagous to the medication I used to take. The supplement my doctor and I decided on takes a bit of time to build up a high enough level to work. It has been about 5 weeks and I am finally now seeing results.
This is the first week I have been wide awake every morning before my alarm clock (usually around 5:30 am) and have been truly functional as soon as I wake up. I am still not ready to go start working out at this hour, but that is something that may never change. *grin*
Now if I could just learn to like breakfast mornings might get a little better. It is nearly 9am, I have been up 3 1/2 hours and I am still not ready to face the fridge, but one step at a time.
The happiest I ever was schedule wise was the summer I worked nights, went to work at 7 pm, finished at 1am, left work, hung out with friends and til the sun came up and then went home to bed. That is my normal clock. Unfortunately that clock seems to have also been playing a role in my weight issues.
The only period in my life where I was up in the morning and felt fully awake and refreshed was when we were treating my PTC with a certain medication which alters neurochemicals in the brain. During that time, I was awake before the alarm clock and felt truly rested and ready to tackle the world when I got out of bed. Truth, it was kind of scary for me to be like that, but I was really productive so that was good.
That was a long time ago, over a decade, and was back living my "night life" happily. Then during the second month of working with Gui we hit a plateau on my weight loss and were dissecting all the possible causes. Sleep was a topic that came up and surprised me. For as much biology as I have studied, I had never put together the link between sleep and weight, although now it makes perfect sense...too little sleep throws your entire body off especially hormonally and chemically.
But changing that is easier said than done. My goal wass to try to be to bed no later than 11pm each night and up by 7. It didn't go well on its own, so I looked for assistance. I was not willing nor able to go back to the medication I had originally taken and really didn't want to take another prescription medicine. So this time around I am trying a supplement approach to my sleep cycle, something analagous to the medication I used to take. The supplement my doctor and I decided on takes a bit of time to build up a high enough level to work. It has been about 5 weeks and I am finally now seeing results.
This is the first week I have been wide awake every morning before my alarm clock (usually around 5:30 am) and have been truly functional as soon as I wake up. I am still not ready to go start working out at this hour, but that is something that may never change. *grin*
Now if I could just learn to like breakfast mornings might get a little better. It is nearly 9am, I have been up 3 1/2 hours and I am still not ready to face the fridge, but one step at a time.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Sometimes the smallest things make the biggest rewards...
Was out to dinner with a friend tonight, and walking out of the restaurant he commented on how much different I am walking (related to the nerve damage). I couldn't have been happier if I had won the lottery. So many times it feels like all the work I am doing, beyond the obvious of being thinner, is invisible to the world around me. And because others aren't noticing I often wonder if I am imaging the differences. Made my night to have someone else notice. Guess those stupid lunges aren't a total waste after all!!!
Slowly rejoining the human race (a.k.a bye bye bathing suit #2)....
I had said in my last post that I had another bathing suit and could limp bye with it. I was wrong, two nights in the heavily chlorinated pool at the club and that old relic pretty much disintegrated. It was probably 10 years old, so it was due a proper burial anyway. But since I am trying to swim more this week, as my second workout each day, I had to do something.
So, I got up every bit of nerve I had and decided to face this demon. It's gross and grey and rainy out and has been a pretty bad day anyway, so I figured I might as well deal with it all at once. Why ruin a good day? Who would have known how well it would turn out.
I decided to start my shopping at a local swim shop. Buying a bathing suit for daily swimming at a retail store doesn't usually go well. Either they aren't cut right for swimming laps or you find a decent one and a month later you are replacing it again because it can't handle the constant chlorine. I knew the swim shop had some larger sizes in the pro lines and thought MAYBE I had lost enough weight to squeeze into the largest they had on their website (a 26). I couldn't even pull that one up past my knees when I was in there in November.
When I got there I was assisted by a pretty little 20 something with a perfect body. That did not help. So I quietly grabbed the largest speedo they had and sulked off to the changing room, preparing how I was going to casually leave when it didn't fit.
It took everything in me not to scream out loud when I put it on and it was TOO BIG!!!!
It then hit me, I am finally rejoining the human race! No more being stuck only shopping in fat person stores, no more having to pray I can find things that fit. While I am still very much plus size, I am starting to be able to shop in normal stores. They still hide my sizes over in some dark corner, but at least it is a dark corner of normal stores with name brands.
It got even better when the next size down was too big, and the next one after that. I walked out of the store with a bathing suit 4 sizes smaller than the one I had prayed would just fit. I might have been able to go one size smaller even, but no matter how much weight I have lost I still don't look GOOD in a speedo swim suit and wasn't going any smaller than what I got.
This is going to sound so silly, but I have tried it on two more times since I brought it home. I keep expecting for it not to fit. I still can't make my brain process the size I am now, it seems a little surreal (which has been the word of the day anyway!). I don't feel any smaller, but the tag on the bathing suit still says the same number it did at the store and it still fits.
As if that wasn't enough joy for one day, I also came home to a box from the UPS man. Two pairs of jeans I had ordered, in the next size down I would need soon - they are 7 sizes smaller than I would have bought in May, and the store I got them from wouldn't have even had jeans my size back then, and in the right cut (straight leg, their stores locally only have boot cut which I am too short for). And of course I had to try them on to see how long til they would fit. Not only do they fit, but I looked in the mirror and said something I have NEVER said about jeans, I look pretty good in these *smile*.
Yeah I have gone and checked the mirror twice on those too, just have to make sure it hasn't gone away.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The great pumpkin adventure...
Here's a news flash.....I am stubborn and hard headed! Shall I continue now that you all have stopped laughing and making snide comments? *smile*
I'll be the first to admit that once I get something in my head, it isn't easy to change my mind. It works for me in a lot of situations. That tenacity has gotten me through a lot of tough things and helped me accomplish things I never would have otherwise. But I learn on a regular basis lately, it is probably my worst quality when it comes to weight loss. I have a very hard time letting those with much more knowledge than me call the shots. Yes Gui, I am talking about you again, of course.
Carbs is one of those topics that I just have my own stance on. Every time I up them I seem to retain more fluid and in turn the number on the scale goes up. So I am always very hesitant to eat any, certainly not the amount that most people eat, and definitely not the amount the trainer would prefer. And I guess I just didn't see the harm in it, until Monday.
It's not often that Gui gets overly serious with me, but I have to admit he kind of spooked me Monday. We were reviewing my meal plan for the day and all of a sudden the mood changed drastically and I saw a look of concern and heard a tone I hadn't before. I decided maybe it was time to pay a little more attention. I need to get better about the carbs, before I create health issues I have no need for. There is no point in losing all this weight if it comes at a cost to my overall health.
So to that end I decided yesterday I was going to find creative ways to get more carbs, without heading to bread and cakes. My first try, I was going to make "ice cream" from canned pumkin.
I should point out before I go any further, I don't cook. I microwave, I eat out. The genes for cooking went to my older sister not me. So I knew this was going to an adventure.
Into the Ninja (a great food processor type gadget) I dumped:
Canned pumpkin
Vanilla Almond Milk
Pecans
Nutmeg
Clove
Cinnamon
Ginger
BiPro protein powder.
Once I moved it to the other container (I used the small one the first time and the cover wouldn't fit) it went pretty well. Nothing blew up, I didn't spray it all over the kitchen, and tasting it in the liquid state it wasn't bad. I was a little heavy handed on the spices and need to cut that back. But otherwise it was a reasonable faxsimile of pumpkin ice cream. I was so excited and into the freezer it went.
This morning I got up all excited and went right to the freezer. Sadly I must report, I will be throwing it out now. The consistency is horrible. It is nothing like ice cream, it is closer to a flavored ice. It has a lot of taste, but I just can't convince myself it is ice cream or anything close.
I know I should try again, but I have to admit maybe I am not as convinced I need all these carbs as I was yesterday *smile*
I'll be the first to admit that once I get something in my head, it isn't easy to change my mind. It works for me in a lot of situations. That tenacity has gotten me through a lot of tough things and helped me accomplish things I never would have otherwise. But I learn on a regular basis lately, it is probably my worst quality when it comes to weight loss. I have a very hard time letting those with much more knowledge than me call the shots. Yes Gui, I am talking about you again, of course.
Carbs is one of those topics that I just have my own stance on. Every time I up them I seem to retain more fluid and in turn the number on the scale goes up. So I am always very hesitant to eat any, certainly not the amount that most people eat, and definitely not the amount the trainer would prefer. And I guess I just didn't see the harm in it, until Monday.
It's not often that Gui gets overly serious with me, but I have to admit he kind of spooked me Monday. We were reviewing my meal plan for the day and all of a sudden the mood changed drastically and I saw a look of concern and heard a tone I hadn't before. I decided maybe it was time to pay a little more attention. I need to get better about the carbs, before I create health issues I have no need for. There is no point in losing all this weight if it comes at a cost to my overall health.
So to that end I decided yesterday I was going to find creative ways to get more carbs, without heading to bread and cakes. My first try, I was going to make "ice cream" from canned pumkin.
I should point out before I go any further, I don't cook. I microwave, I eat out. The genes for cooking went to my older sister not me. So I knew this was going to an adventure.
Into the Ninja (a great food processor type gadget) I dumped:
Canned pumpkin
Vanilla Almond Milk
Pecans
Nutmeg
Clove
Cinnamon
Ginger
BiPro protein powder.
Once I moved it to the other container (I used the small one the first time and the cover wouldn't fit) it went pretty well. Nothing blew up, I didn't spray it all over the kitchen, and tasting it in the liquid state it wasn't bad. I was a little heavy handed on the spices and need to cut that back. But otherwise it was a reasonable faxsimile of pumpkin ice cream. I was so excited and into the freezer it went.
This morning I got up all excited and went right to the freezer. Sadly I must report, I will be throwing it out now. The consistency is horrible. It is nothing like ice cream, it is closer to a flavored ice. It has a lot of taste, but I just can't convince myself it is ice cream or anything close.
I know I should try again, but I have to admit maybe I am not as convinced I need all these carbs as I was yesterday *smile*
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Bye bye bathing suit....
The part of this journey I was most excited about was none of my clothes fitting and getting to buy new clothes. That was supposed to be the fun part. But just like so many other things, I was wrong.
Well the first part was right, it is very cool that my old clothes no longer fit. I gave away 8 bags of clothes to charity on February 7th and have another 2 bags ready to go again. Doing that was a little scary, part of me felt that urge to hang on to them "just in case" but as many people advised me, I needed to remove the "just in case" option. So I did. My closets looked so empty. It felt good and to know that that much of my past was gone and behind me. But life with new clothes has been much more of a challenge than I realized.
Shopping - Buying new clothes has not been nearly the amount of fun so far I had hoped. In truth, it is really stressful.
Let me explain how you shop when you weigh 338 pounds. You find any store you can that has the clothes your size, and if something looks acceptable you buy it. You cant be picky when your shirts are 4x and your pants are a plus size 12 (equivalent I think to around a women's 34). I got lucky a few years ago and found the Catherine's chain and have always been able to find clothes there, for work and play. They weren't the most stylish, but they were ok. And I did find jeans and pants there that fit my weird body type and also my weight. And since my body stayed in the same size range (within 2 or 3 sizes) for a bunch of years, shopping was easy. Go in, grab that size and go. No questions no concerns. This works for me as I don't have a lot of patience with shopping (I dont think most large people do).
That ease is gone. At this point I have dropped to an XL shirt in most styles, and my pants size has dropped 6 sizes. Don't get me wrong, that makes me ESTATIC, I am not in any way complaining about being smaller. But it has made shopping challenging, because I have no clue what size I am at when I walk in a store. This also presents a challenge with ordering on line, a must I will get to in a minute. Also I am finding the styles I had grown acustomed to, are no longer being made (because I bought them so long ago). I nearly cried when I went to buy the jeans I love in my smaller size and they no longer make them.
Mind/body disconnect - The next challenge of clothes right now, is that I am learning I don't know what looks good on me and I have little confidence in my choices (shopping or what to wear out of the closet). I think alot of this is coming from the disconnect I am still feeling between the results on the scale and what my brain sees in the mirror. I don't know how to dress this body yet. The size that they claim fits seems extremely tight and showy to me (after hiding in baggy clothes for so long) and the size I feel is where I am is huge and does nothing for me. Where are Stacy and Clinton when you need them????
Clothes don't last - The other lesson I am learning is that every time the scale drops after I get done celebrating I seem to be back at the store. A pair of pants lasts about 2 weeks, shirts about a month, before they are headed for the "too big pile" awaiting the next drop off to charity (and as a couple people have pointed out, the shirts probably shouldn't be lasting that long either as I am wearing them to way too big). It's expensive and a little frustrating to be going through clothes this fast, but at the same time it makes for some good stories after the fact.
Like my adventures getting dressed for client meetings! The lesson I have learned on this the hard way (twice....who says I can't learn *grin*) is not to wait until the morning of an important meeting before figuring out what I am going to wear. Both times I did that I got up at 6am and got dressed and my pants fell off. Once I made a colleague run to the store with me before a meeting just to buy something to wear.
To combat this I now have started an every two week ritual of trying on my key pieces just to see where they are at so I can be prepared. Someone really needs to come up with an automatic shipping program for people losing lots of weight *smile*.
Workout wear - Ok my greatest advice for someone about to embark on serious weight loss. Plan ahead, think about where you live and be prepared. There is nothing harder than finding plus size shorts in the middle of January in Minnesota! Oh wait, yes there is, finding a new bathing suit the first week of March in Minnesota!!!!
Workout clothes were never a staple of my wardrobe to start with, so I came into this with precious few to be doing this 7 days a week with anyway. But what few I have have long ago stopped fitting right, but yet they soldier on waiting for the warmer weather when I can find new ones. Multiple people have suggested shopping on line, but as I mentioned earlier, when you don't know anymore how anything will fit and you are buying styles you never have before that is nearly impossible.
Swimwear - I titled this entry "Bye bye bathing suit", because for an obese woman that is the hardest piece of clothing to find and to be ok with. No matter who makes it or what the style, when you are over 300 pounds a bathing suit will never look good. So when you find one that you feel even mildly comfortable in you hold on to it for dear life. The thought of throwing it out is terrifying because you never know if you will find another one to fit.
Well my friends, the time has come to deal with this. I have to let go. The bathing suit I wore at 338 pounds long ago stopped fitting right, the butt is sagging, the material is hanging and it basically looks like I stole someone's clothes. But yet I continued to wear it. Finding another one here in MN in the winter is not a likely find. But today I have decided that regardless I have to let it go. 64 pounds gone and it just doesn't fit any more. It is going in the garbage can as soon as I finish this post, maybe. *sheepish grin*
I have another one that I can get by on til I find one, but this is still the hardest piece of clothing I have had to let go of. I now have 2 months to find one that fits right before I go on vacation, but that seems like a short time given the season and given my size.
Otherwise I guess Irwin will be helping me find that naked beach in Tel Aviv...now there's a visual that should render you all blind for the night *grin*.
Shopping - Buying new clothes has not been nearly the amount of fun so far I had hoped. In truth, it is really stressful.
Let me explain how you shop when you weigh 338 pounds. You find any store you can that has the clothes your size, and if something looks acceptable you buy it. You cant be picky when your shirts are 4x and your pants are a plus size 12 (equivalent I think to around a women's 34). I got lucky a few years ago and found the Catherine's chain and have always been able to find clothes there, for work and play. They weren't the most stylish, but they were ok. And I did find jeans and pants there that fit my weird body type and also my weight. And since my body stayed in the same size range (within 2 or 3 sizes) for a bunch of years, shopping was easy. Go in, grab that size and go. No questions no concerns. This works for me as I don't have a lot of patience with shopping (I dont think most large people do).
That ease is gone. At this point I have dropped to an XL shirt in most styles, and my pants size has dropped 6 sizes. Don't get me wrong, that makes me ESTATIC, I am not in any way complaining about being smaller. But it has made shopping challenging, because I have no clue what size I am at when I walk in a store. This also presents a challenge with ordering on line, a must I will get to in a minute. Also I am finding the styles I had grown acustomed to, are no longer being made (because I bought them so long ago). I nearly cried when I went to buy the jeans I love in my smaller size and they no longer make them.
Mind/body disconnect - The next challenge of clothes right now, is that I am learning I don't know what looks good on me and I have little confidence in my choices (shopping or what to wear out of the closet). I think alot of this is coming from the disconnect I am still feeling between the results on the scale and what my brain sees in the mirror. I don't know how to dress this body yet. The size that they claim fits seems extremely tight and showy to me (after hiding in baggy clothes for so long) and the size I feel is where I am is huge and does nothing for me. Where are Stacy and Clinton when you need them????
Clothes don't last - The other lesson I am learning is that every time the scale drops after I get done celebrating I seem to be back at the store. A pair of pants lasts about 2 weeks, shirts about a month, before they are headed for the "too big pile" awaiting the next drop off to charity (and as a couple people have pointed out, the shirts probably shouldn't be lasting that long either as I am wearing them to way too big). It's expensive and a little frustrating to be going through clothes this fast, but at the same time it makes for some good stories after the fact.
Like my adventures getting dressed for client meetings! The lesson I have learned on this the hard way (twice....who says I can't learn *grin*) is not to wait until the morning of an important meeting before figuring out what I am going to wear. Both times I did that I got up at 6am and got dressed and my pants fell off. Once I made a colleague run to the store with me before a meeting just to buy something to wear.
To combat this I now have started an every two week ritual of trying on my key pieces just to see where they are at so I can be prepared. Someone really needs to come up with an automatic shipping program for people losing lots of weight *smile*.
Workout wear - Ok my greatest advice for someone about to embark on serious weight loss. Plan ahead, think about where you live and be prepared. There is nothing harder than finding plus size shorts in the middle of January in Minnesota! Oh wait, yes there is, finding a new bathing suit the first week of March in Minnesota!!!!
Workout clothes were never a staple of my wardrobe to start with, so I came into this with precious few to be doing this 7 days a week with anyway. But what few I have have long ago stopped fitting right, but yet they soldier on waiting for the warmer weather when I can find new ones. Multiple people have suggested shopping on line, but as I mentioned earlier, when you don't know anymore how anything will fit and you are buying styles you never have before that is nearly impossible.
Swimwear - I titled this entry "Bye bye bathing suit", because for an obese woman that is the hardest piece of clothing to find and to be ok with. No matter who makes it or what the style, when you are over 300 pounds a bathing suit will never look good. So when you find one that you feel even mildly comfortable in you hold on to it for dear life. The thought of throwing it out is terrifying because you never know if you will find another one to fit.
Well my friends, the time has come to deal with this. I have to let go. The bathing suit I wore at 338 pounds long ago stopped fitting right, the butt is sagging, the material is hanging and it basically looks like I stole someone's clothes. But yet I continued to wear it. Finding another one here in MN in the winter is not a likely find. But today I have decided that regardless I have to let it go. 64 pounds gone and it just doesn't fit any more. It is going in the garbage can as soon as I finish this post, maybe. *sheepish grin*
I have another one that I can get by on til I find one, but this is still the hardest piece of clothing I have had to let go of. I now have 2 months to find one that fits right before I go on vacation, but that seems like a short time given the season and given my size.
Otherwise I guess Irwin will be helping me find that naked beach in Tel Aviv...now there's a visual that should render you all blind for the night *grin*.
Monday, March 8, 2010
A message for the trainers in the audience...
Ok a quick public service announcement first...... *climbing up on table with megaphone*...... I did it, we did it, 274 pounds!!!!!! I know I am not supposed to focus on the number, but this was a big deal for me. I can't recall the last time I weighed less than 275 pounds. It had to be the mid 90's. If someone had asked me three months ago if I believed I could get here at all, let alone in this time frame, I would never have believed it or even considered it. Gui, I can't thank you enough for all the help and support, for kicking my butt, for putting me back on the wagon and dusting me off every time I fall apart. *jumps off table* (too bad I can't manage that in real life *grin*). Enough celebrating, lots of hard work ahead as I crawl towards 250!
Now, I hope the non-trainers reading this will forgive me. This is a targetted post. Gui, Tiffany, Kristin and even you "Murdering Meredith" and any others reading who I don't know are reading, this is targeted to you. I have a question for you, do you really get how much impact you have on people's live? Do you give yourselves credit for how much you come to mean to the people you work with? Ok, yeah two questions, I know!
I have already gone into, at length, my fears of being without my trainer. And hadn't intended to open that topic back up again. But in addition to the immenese gratitude I am feeling towards my trainer tonight, I also had an experience at the club tonight that just left me thinking about all this again.
Today was ab work with Gui, which tends to be more obvious to others, because you arent nicely tucked away on a machine. You are on the floor and quite obvious. Gui was also back in "cheerleader mode" *grin* and invisibility wasn't happening. I had noticed a woman watching us, but didnt think much of it at the time.
While I was changing after the workout she came up to me and said sheepishly "You work with Gui right?" Yes? "I really wanted to get to meet you". My two regrets from this conversation were 1) I never asked why she wanted to meet me and 2) I never got her name. But I was cordial and we started chatting. She then shared with had been working with a trainer she really liked and he had just transferred to another club. And how she had been watching us and thinking about that. She said she felt lost and had been crying over what to do next.
The timing of the conversation was rather ironic considering how hard I am working right now to try to become ok with being away and my own struggles over even temporarily being without a trainer.
This is also the third conversation in a week I have had or heard with people who used to work with the trainer who left and are feeling lost. And Mary Kay and I chatting around her trainer moving away was pretty much the same topic.
I have to admit I get the sense talking to Gui and some of the other trainers at the club, that most of you really don't get it. That while you see your jobs as meaningful, you don't get how much you change our lives and how much you become part of our lives. I realize to you we are one of many, but you need to understand to us you are so much more. I can say without a doubt, I didn't start down this path looking for any kind of meaningful relationship in my life, but I am now not sure you can truly be on this path without that bond.
It was funny, a comment was made today during my workout about me being like a child at times, while it was said in sarcasm because I was whining about not wanting to do something, thinking about it, in some ways that is how this all feels. I have not felt this lost at something, or felt like I had to try so hard with such slow progress and felt so insecure at something as I do with this journey since I was a child learning to read and tie my shoes. For a reasonably intelligent person who learns everything else in my life at a very fast pace, I do feel like a child at this. And just like a child you look for those teachers and mentors to guide the way and also to make it safe. And just like many of those teachers, you come to hold a special place in our lives! You become part of who we become!
I genuinely hope you realize even part of how much you mean to us and how valuable what you do is!
Now, I hope the non-trainers reading this will forgive me. This is a targetted post. Gui, Tiffany, Kristin and even you "Murdering Meredith" and any others reading who I don't know are reading, this is targeted to you. I have a question for you, do you really get how much impact you have on people's live? Do you give yourselves credit for how much you come to mean to the people you work with? Ok, yeah two questions, I know!
I have already gone into, at length, my fears of being without my trainer. And hadn't intended to open that topic back up again. But in addition to the immenese gratitude I am feeling towards my trainer tonight, I also had an experience at the club tonight that just left me thinking about all this again.
Today was ab work with Gui, which tends to be more obvious to others, because you arent nicely tucked away on a machine. You are on the floor and quite obvious. Gui was also back in "cheerleader mode" *grin* and invisibility wasn't happening. I had noticed a woman watching us, but didnt think much of it at the time.
While I was changing after the workout she came up to me and said sheepishly "You work with Gui right?" Yes? "I really wanted to get to meet you". My two regrets from this conversation were 1) I never asked why she wanted to meet me and 2) I never got her name. But I was cordial and we started chatting. She then shared with had been working with a trainer she really liked and he had just transferred to another club. And how she had been watching us and thinking about that. She said she felt lost and had been crying over what to do next.
The timing of the conversation was rather ironic considering how hard I am working right now to try to become ok with being away and my own struggles over even temporarily being without a trainer.
This is also the third conversation in a week I have had or heard with people who used to work with the trainer who left and are feeling lost. And Mary Kay and I chatting around her trainer moving away was pretty much the same topic.
I have to admit I get the sense talking to Gui and some of the other trainers at the club, that most of you really don't get it. That while you see your jobs as meaningful, you don't get how much you change our lives and how much you become part of our lives. I realize to you we are one of many, but you need to understand to us you are so much more. I can say without a doubt, I didn't start down this path looking for any kind of meaningful relationship in my life, but I am now not sure you can truly be on this path without that bond.
It was funny, a comment was made today during my workout about me being like a child at times, while it was said in sarcasm because I was whining about not wanting to do something, thinking about it, in some ways that is how this all feels. I have not felt this lost at something, or felt like I had to try so hard with such slow progress and felt so insecure at something as I do with this journey since I was a child learning to read and tie my shoes. For a reasonably intelligent person who learns everything else in my life at a very fast pace, I do feel like a child at this. And just like a child you look for those teachers and mentors to guide the way and also to make it safe. And just like many of those teachers, you come to hold a special place in our lives! You become part of who we become!
I genuinely hope you realize even part of how much you mean to us and how valuable what you do is!
The changes I have made...food
Food, my least favorite topic of all. But the one that everyone wants to talk to me about. As soon as people learn I have lost upwards of 60 pounds the first question is what diet are you on (to which I usually roll my eyes and sigh, as the word diet is something I am trying so hard to avoid).
I have tried very hard through all this not to look at it as a "diet" or even a short term way of life, I am trying very hard to change my approach to food and what I eat and when I eat, because I have no desire to reach my goal and then backslide. I think that is the hardest thing for people around me to understand. I hear on a daily basis, but just think when you get there you can start having dessert again, or that this is just for the short term. I can't let myself think that way, now or in the future. This has to be a genuine lifestyle change or this is all a waste of time, effort and a lot of money. So what have I tried to change...
The amount I eat - this is still my biggest challenge. I have already admitted multiple times, I don't like having to eat. I am never hungry and it is work for me. I was also raised believing the math was...eat less weigh less. Let's be honest, most everyone who sees a fat person makes the assumption they are that way from over eating. That we are all fat slobs who sit around the table gorging ourselves to no end. And even though that wasn't my style at all, I still bought into the mindset.
But I think somewhere in the back of my mind I knew better all along. I have never eaten enough to weigh what I do/did and certainly not enough to gain the weight I was. One of the facts Gui reminds me of regularly (when I am stressing gaining a pound or two) is that to truly gain fat you have to eat 3500 calories extra. So there is no way when I was eating 800 - 1000 max a day all the weight I gained was fat from what I was eating. There had to be more to it.
What I have learned over the last few months, is that you can gain weight from eating too little as easily as from too much. That when the body is given less than it needs it changes how food is metabolized, how it is stored, and how the body protects itself and converts calories that a normal person would burn into fat to store up for perceived starvation.
As ironic as it sounds, I started losing weight when I started eating!!!!!
When I eat - Another myth that has been pushed on us by groups like weight watchers and Richard Simmons is that we have an allotted number of calories (or points) in a day and that as long as when we go to bed at night we have crossed everything off that list (or given away all the cards in the deck) and no more it has been a good day. That the sum at the end is the important part. It's not the case, and it took me a while to get that.
I was always a night eater. I hate breakfast, I am usually working during the day so I don't think about meals, and then I would have a huge dinner and snacks afterwards. Even after I started with Gui, I was not going over the calorie number we set (if anything I was under) but I was having nearly all of it in one meal and I couldn't get why that was a problem. It took him putting it in terms I use at work (budgeting and working to the task level) before I truly got it. Looking back now, I realize that how I was doing it before was as stupid as planning a 2000 mile car trip, but not getting gas until 1800 miles in. It doesn't work! Your body uses an even amount of fuel all day and needs it provided that way to work properly.
I now work very hard to eat more evenly throughout the day, 3 meals and 2-3 snacks of even calorie proportions. And I also do not play "catch up". If I didn't have breakfast those calories are gone for the day. The body can't go back and burn what you were supposed to eat at another time. Personally I think this is the change overall that has made the most difference in my weight loss.
What I eat - I am not any "diet". I am not avoiding carbs, I am not doing cleanses or only eating a certain color food. Those are all fads and can not be maintained long term and be healthy. I am just trying to learn to eat better, to eat more balanced and to make smarter choices.
My first smarter choice was giving up soda and fruit juices. I used to go through 2 six packs of soda a day, first coke, then I moved to gingerale. After giving up the soda I was living on cranapple juice. The first 20 lbs I lost came off just by giving up those empty calories and switching to water.
My second vice I have tried to let go of is desserts. I love ice cream, I love pudding, I love cheesecake and I Iived for chocolate - OMG how I lived for chocolate. But the reality is again, they have no redeeming values. They have empty calories, and for my body even beyond the calories they cause problems. I am very prone to high insulin and low blood sugar (most carb cravers are) and that combination means everything high in sugar and carbs has a tendency to be stored as fat. Even fruits, which we all grew up thinking were the perfect food, can be a problem in excess or if not paired with some kind of protein or fat to slow down how they are processed.
I now try for balance - particularly with the percentages of protein, fat and carbs. I journal everything I eat using a website I was shown in my first meeting with Gui ( www.mydailyplate.com) and no matter how bad the day is going I am honest and put it down, there is no point in lying about it. I will admit I have skipped one day in 3 months because I ate so little I was ashamed to journal it, but otherwise I have stuck to the journal and it has been a great help to me. I do not use it to beat up on myself for what I did wrong, but to help me try to get better about it. It lets me see where I am off balance or missing the marks.
Acceptance of my battle with food - the part of all this I am slowly coming to terms with is that this is never going to be easier for me. Food is always going to be a challenge that I have to manage. My body while it is getting healthier, is what it is and those things that are just genetic or emotional or whatever, like my hatred for eating, are probably with me for life. I am probably never going to be a fan of breakfast, I am probably never going to be hungry when I should be. But part of the solution is realizing these things, and being ready to cope with them. That is where I am trying to get now, seeing these changes as just part of changing me, not a temporary diet, not something to hide, just me!
I have tried very hard through all this not to look at it as a "diet" or even a short term way of life, I am trying very hard to change my approach to food and what I eat and when I eat, because I have no desire to reach my goal and then backslide. I think that is the hardest thing for people around me to understand. I hear on a daily basis, but just think when you get there you can start having dessert again, or that this is just for the short term. I can't let myself think that way, now or in the future. This has to be a genuine lifestyle change or this is all a waste of time, effort and a lot of money. So what have I tried to change...
The amount I eat - this is still my biggest challenge. I have already admitted multiple times, I don't like having to eat. I am never hungry and it is work for me. I was also raised believing the math was...eat less weigh less. Let's be honest, most everyone who sees a fat person makes the assumption they are that way from over eating. That we are all fat slobs who sit around the table gorging ourselves to no end. And even though that wasn't my style at all, I still bought into the mindset.
But I think somewhere in the back of my mind I knew better all along. I have never eaten enough to weigh what I do/did and certainly not enough to gain the weight I was. One of the facts Gui reminds me of regularly (when I am stressing gaining a pound or two) is that to truly gain fat you have to eat 3500 calories extra. So there is no way when I was eating 800 - 1000 max a day all the weight I gained was fat from what I was eating. There had to be more to it.
What I have learned over the last few months, is that you can gain weight from eating too little as easily as from too much. That when the body is given less than it needs it changes how food is metabolized, how it is stored, and how the body protects itself and converts calories that a normal person would burn into fat to store up for perceived starvation.
As ironic as it sounds, I started losing weight when I started eating!!!!!
When I eat - Another myth that has been pushed on us by groups like weight watchers and Richard Simmons is that we have an allotted number of calories (or points) in a day and that as long as when we go to bed at night we have crossed everything off that list (or given away all the cards in the deck) and no more it has been a good day. That the sum at the end is the important part. It's not the case, and it took me a while to get that.
I was always a night eater. I hate breakfast, I am usually working during the day so I don't think about meals, and then I would have a huge dinner and snacks afterwards. Even after I started with Gui, I was not going over the calorie number we set (if anything I was under) but I was having nearly all of it in one meal and I couldn't get why that was a problem. It took him putting it in terms I use at work (budgeting and working to the task level) before I truly got it. Looking back now, I realize that how I was doing it before was as stupid as planning a 2000 mile car trip, but not getting gas until 1800 miles in. It doesn't work! Your body uses an even amount of fuel all day and needs it provided that way to work properly.
I now work very hard to eat more evenly throughout the day, 3 meals and 2-3 snacks of even calorie proportions. And I also do not play "catch up". If I didn't have breakfast those calories are gone for the day. The body can't go back and burn what you were supposed to eat at another time. Personally I think this is the change overall that has made the most difference in my weight loss.
What I eat - I am not any "diet". I am not avoiding carbs, I am not doing cleanses or only eating a certain color food. Those are all fads and can not be maintained long term and be healthy. I am just trying to learn to eat better, to eat more balanced and to make smarter choices.
My first smarter choice was giving up soda and fruit juices. I used to go through 2 six packs of soda a day, first coke, then I moved to gingerale. After giving up the soda I was living on cranapple juice. The first 20 lbs I lost came off just by giving up those empty calories and switching to water.
My second vice I have tried to let go of is desserts. I love ice cream, I love pudding, I love cheesecake and I Iived for chocolate - OMG how I lived for chocolate. But the reality is again, they have no redeeming values. They have empty calories, and for my body even beyond the calories they cause problems. I am very prone to high insulin and low blood sugar (most carb cravers are) and that combination means everything high in sugar and carbs has a tendency to be stored as fat. Even fruits, which we all grew up thinking were the perfect food, can be a problem in excess or if not paired with some kind of protein or fat to slow down how they are processed.
I now try for balance - particularly with the percentages of protein, fat and carbs. I journal everything I eat using a website I was shown in my first meeting with Gui ( www.mydailyplate.com) and no matter how bad the day is going I am honest and put it down, there is no point in lying about it. I will admit I have skipped one day in 3 months because I ate so little I was ashamed to journal it, but otherwise I have stuck to the journal and it has been a great help to me. I do not use it to beat up on myself for what I did wrong, but to help me try to get better about it. It lets me see where I am off balance or missing the marks.
Acceptance of my battle with food - the part of all this I am slowly coming to terms with is that this is never going to be easier for me. Food is always going to be a challenge that I have to manage. My body while it is getting healthier, is what it is and those things that are just genetic or emotional or whatever, like my hatred for eating, are probably with me for life. I am probably never going to be a fan of breakfast, I am probably never going to be hungry when I should be. But part of the solution is realizing these things, and being ready to cope with them. That is where I am trying to get now, seeing these changes as just part of changing me, not a temporary diet, not something to hide, just me!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Beyond the trough is hysterical laughter....
"Wish that I could cry, Fall upon my knees, Find a way to lie, About a home I’ll never see.
It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive, Even heroes have the right to bleed, I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede, Even heroes have the right to dream, It’s not easy to be me...
I’m only a man in a silly red sheet, Digging for kryptonite on this one way street, Only a man in a funny red sheet, Looking for special things inside of me, Inside of me"
(Superman by Five for Fighting)
I've gone to that bad place where I just start laughing at EVERYTHING. No more tears, no more stress, just hysterical maniacal laughter. I somedays really have to believe that life is just some sick joke, like an episode of "Punk'd", that we are just god's entertainment and every time we feel like we have life figured out a few more things get flung at us just to watch how well we will cope. This is turning into that kind of weekend.
As I mentioned yesterday, I am really struggling with the balance I feel I have found with my training being upended for about 6 weeks. And while I know the people around me are trying to be helpful and genuinely care, my honesty about feeling overwhelmed has mostly been met with comments about how strong I am and how I can do anything. Which while totally well intentioned can be really frustrating for me. It is very hard for me to admit when I don't feel capable of handling something, putting that vulnerability out these is incredibly scary for me and NOT something I do often or easily. So when instead of that being ok, for me to be human and have limitations, my well meaning friends try to show me why what I feel is wrong, that I am strong and should be able to do it all. Which just makes me regret even having admitted how I feel. It's easier to just smile for the world and pretend all is well than to admit its not and have it be judged.
So to that end, I woke up this morning ready to just pretend it was all well and good. That I wasn't scared, that I wasn't a wreck inside, just smile and cope on my own. Not new for me, I'm good at it. But just when I had conqured that mountain, I had another realization..one that sent me past the trough and into Gartner's forgotten stage "the den of irrational laughter".
So here was my latest realization...not only are my workouts going to be "off" during that period, but Passover starts March 30th, which means at the same time my eating habits are also going to change radically. *laughing while typing*
For those that don't celebrate Passover (Pesach)... this is the 8 days during which we remember the exodus of the Jews from Egypt. How observant people are varies, at the most liberal end nothing with yeast which has risen is eating. At the most conservative end nothing with corn, wheat, rye, oats, rice or white flour is acceptable-whole wheat flour is out too, also legumes and most nuts are also out.
My observance typically tends to fall somewhere in the middle. I try to stick to skipping anything that rises and anything with one of the five grains. I have no clue where it is going to fall this year. Part of me is thinking "great, no carbs, don't like them any way" but at the same time I also know that my almond milk and protein powder should be out and that if I take all carbs out I am never going to get even close to the calories I need to continue to lose weight.
I know for this post to be complete there should be more, some great solution, some great plan, but the truth is, I don't know what my solution is going to be. It scares the life out of me how I am going manage all of this changing at once and away from home and the club at the same time. But truth, I can't even think it through right now. It's too much, so for now I am just going to laugh!!!!!!!
It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive, Even heroes have the right to bleed, I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede, Even heroes have the right to dream, It’s not easy to be me...
I’m only a man in a silly red sheet, Digging for kryptonite on this one way street, Only a man in a funny red sheet, Looking for special things inside of me, Inside of me"
(Superman by Five for Fighting)
I've gone to that bad place where I just start laughing at EVERYTHING. No more tears, no more stress, just hysterical maniacal laughter. I somedays really have to believe that life is just some sick joke, like an episode of "Punk'd", that we are just god's entertainment and every time we feel like we have life figured out a few more things get flung at us just to watch how well we will cope. This is turning into that kind of weekend.
As I mentioned yesterday, I am really struggling with the balance I feel I have found with my training being upended for about 6 weeks. And while I know the people around me are trying to be helpful and genuinely care, my honesty about feeling overwhelmed has mostly been met with comments about how strong I am and how I can do anything. Which while totally well intentioned can be really frustrating for me. It is very hard for me to admit when I don't feel capable of handling something, putting that vulnerability out these is incredibly scary for me and NOT something I do often or easily. So when instead of that being ok, for me to be human and have limitations, my well meaning friends try to show me why what I feel is wrong, that I am strong and should be able to do it all. Which just makes me regret even having admitted how I feel. It's easier to just smile for the world and pretend all is well than to admit its not and have it be judged.
So to that end, I woke up this morning ready to just pretend it was all well and good. That I wasn't scared, that I wasn't a wreck inside, just smile and cope on my own. Not new for me, I'm good at it. But just when I had conqured that mountain, I had another realization..one that sent me past the trough and into Gartner's forgotten stage "the den of irrational laughter".
So here was my latest realization...not only are my workouts going to be "off" during that period, but Passover starts March 30th, which means at the same time my eating habits are also going to change radically. *laughing while typing*
For those that don't celebrate Passover (Pesach)... this is the 8 days during which we remember the exodus of the Jews from Egypt. How observant people are varies, at the most liberal end nothing with yeast which has risen is eating. At the most conservative end nothing with corn, wheat, rye, oats, rice or white flour is acceptable-whole wheat flour is out too, also legumes and most nuts are also out.
My observance typically tends to fall somewhere in the middle. I try to stick to skipping anything that rises and anything with one of the five grains. I have no clue where it is going to fall this year. Part of me is thinking "great, no carbs, don't like them any way" but at the same time I also know that my almond milk and protein powder should be out and that if I take all carbs out I am never going to get even close to the calories I need to continue to lose weight.
I know for this post to be complete there should be more, some great solution, some great plan, but the truth is, I don't know what my solution is going to be. It scares the life out of me how I am going manage all of this changing at once and away from home and the club at the same time. But truth, I can't even think it through right now. It's too much, so for now I am just going to laugh!!!!!!!
A nod to the supporting cast........
One of the things that makes Lifetime stand out, in my mind, from other gyms is how many services are available beyond just exercise. LTF has trainers who specialize in nutrition and metabolic testing, there is a massage department, there are educational programs and in some clubs (Eagan doesnt have this) there is a full spa. While having all these additional experts to turn to can greatly enhance the experience, for me it started out more than a bit overwhelming.
If I easily came to a great comfort with working with Gui (maybe too easily), the opposite can be said for the attention of the rest of the training department. As I mentioned in an earlier post, more than anything I wanted to fly under the radar when I started working out. I was very self conscious and paranoid. I felt like the target of laughter and judgement even though no one ever did anything that even resembled either.
I had an interesting talk today with friends about the difference about growing up in a small town vs a bigger city. In thinking about it, I think this paranoia about others talking about me is in big part of a result of growing up in a very small town where everyone knew everyone (I graduated with 24 people) and everyone talked about everyone and judged everyone. I have never fully gotten past that feeling of being watched and ripped apart in a gossip driven town. Eagan LTF for as big as it is, has a small town feel at times (everyone seems to know everything) and so it was easy to transfer those feelings to it.
But just like I could never hide out living in that small town, it became very evident very fast that I wasn't going to hide out at LTF either. With a department of 9 trainers and needing to have multiple tests done and issues that needed to involve other players I quickly found more and more people involved in my journey, like it or not. Everyone knew what I was eating (or not eating), everyone knew what my weight was doing, and everyone knew the tests I failed. That was really hard for me.
Who Gui is didn't help much either with keeping me invisible. It's hard to easily describe his personality in a blog. On a good day he is a little bit tigger (bouncing around) crossed with the tasmanian devil. I haven't met anyone in long long time that has his energy and enthusiasm. Add in a healthy dose of sarcastic, tell it like it is (which I GREATLY value and I think is why we click) and when he wants it to be a voice like a megaphone and you are getting close. (and BTW I say that all as a compliment if anyone is wondering, his personality is a perfect match for me! I need someone who has that strong a personality to balance out my stubborness and control issues!)
Even when he isnt trying, you don't hide well when working wtih Gui. But add to it that he is good at pushing my buttons and quickly learned that cheering loudly for me while I was working out got my attention (as I tried to shush him) and starting using it to keep me moving. Being invisible was NOT happening well at all. Its hard to admit now, but this group visibility came close to driving me away from LTF a couple times. I wasn't ready to embrace it. I couldn't get past the image I had created in my head of them sitting around at meetings laughing about me and making fun of my inadequacies.
My cross roads on this came the day I had my second cardio-point test done (a metabolic test that deserves a post of its own soon). I had already steeled myself for having yet another trainer I hadn't worked with befor doing the test, and having to tell yet another person all my limitations. But what I wasn't prepared for was most of the trainers being 10 feet away the whole time. For some reason everyone was around that morning and appeared to know what was going on. For those that didn't already, Gui had come in on his day off to "assist" me and was not doing to quietly. I think the whole gym knew I was doing the test by the end of it! Luckily the test turned out reasonably well, I'm not sure if I would have ever come back had I failed again in front of that many people, but luckily I didn't have to find out.
I don't know what changed inside me after that morning, I wish I did, it would be handy to know for other situations. But somewhere in the support I got that morning I came to see that these people were really on my side, and that if I stopped fighting the idea so much I probably had a lot to gain from them. It was a good decision. I have since gotten to know many of the other trainers and have found them to be incredibly supportive, informative and just fun to be around. I now enjoy interacting with them and don't shy away at all from turning to them with questions I am struggling with or just for a good laugh.
I think a lot of the comfort I found with them is what has since allowed me to start this blog and share this journey publicly. That once I broke through my need to hide this from the world it all became easier to share.
Gui told me at one point in my struggle with this, that the point is to enjoy being at the club and that the the more I could see people there as part of that positive experience the more I would look forward to coming to work out. I hate to admit it, but he was right... AGAIN *rolling eyes*
If I easily came to a great comfort with working with Gui (maybe too easily), the opposite can be said for the attention of the rest of the training department. As I mentioned in an earlier post, more than anything I wanted to fly under the radar when I started working out. I was very self conscious and paranoid. I felt like the target of laughter and judgement even though no one ever did anything that even resembled either.
I had an interesting talk today with friends about the difference about growing up in a small town vs a bigger city. In thinking about it, I think this paranoia about others talking about me is in big part of a result of growing up in a very small town where everyone knew everyone (I graduated with 24 people) and everyone talked about everyone and judged everyone. I have never fully gotten past that feeling of being watched and ripped apart in a gossip driven town. Eagan LTF for as big as it is, has a small town feel at times (everyone seems to know everything) and so it was easy to transfer those feelings to it.
But just like I could never hide out living in that small town, it became very evident very fast that I wasn't going to hide out at LTF either. With a department of 9 trainers and needing to have multiple tests done and issues that needed to involve other players I quickly found more and more people involved in my journey, like it or not. Everyone knew what I was eating (or not eating), everyone knew what my weight was doing, and everyone knew the tests I failed. That was really hard for me.
Who Gui is didn't help much either with keeping me invisible. It's hard to easily describe his personality in a blog. On a good day he is a little bit tigger (bouncing around) crossed with the tasmanian devil. I haven't met anyone in long long time that has his energy and enthusiasm. Add in a healthy dose of sarcastic, tell it like it is (which I GREATLY value and I think is why we click) and when he wants it to be a voice like a megaphone and you are getting close. (and BTW I say that all as a compliment if anyone is wondering, his personality is a perfect match for me! I need someone who has that strong a personality to balance out my stubborness and control issues!)
Even when he isnt trying, you don't hide well when working wtih Gui. But add to it that he is good at pushing my buttons and quickly learned that cheering loudly for me while I was working out got my attention (as I tried to shush him) and starting using it to keep me moving. Being invisible was NOT happening well at all. Its hard to admit now, but this group visibility came close to driving me away from LTF a couple times. I wasn't ready to embrace it. I couldn't get past the image I had created in my head of them sitting around at meetings laughing about me and making fun of my inadequacies.
My cross roads on this came the day I had my second cardio-point test done (a metabolic test that deserves a post of its own soon). I had already steeled myself for having yet another trainer I hadn't worked with befor doing the test, and having to tell yet another person all my limitations. But what I wasn't prepared for was most of the trainers being 10 feet away the whole time. For some reason everyone was around that morning and appeared to know what was going on. For those that didn't already, Gui had come in on his day off to "assist" me and was not doing to quietly. I think the whole gym knew I was doing the test by the end of it! Luckily the test turned out reasonably well, I'm not sure if I would have ever come back had I failed again in front of that many people, but luckily I didn't have to find out.
I don't know what changed inside me after that morning, I wish I did, it would be handy to know for other situations. But somewhere in the support I got that morning I came to see that these people were really on my side, and that if I stopped fighting the idea so much I probably had a lot to gain from them. It was a good decision. I have since gotten to know many of the other trainers and have found them to be incredibly supportive, informative and just fun to be around. I now enjoy interacting with them and don't shy away at all from turning to them with questions I am struggling with or just for a good laugh.
I think a lot of the comfort I found with them is what has since allowed me to start this blog and share this journey publicly. That once I broke through my need to hide this from the world it all became easier to share.
Gui told me at one point in my struggle with this, that the point is to enjoy being at the club and that the the more I could see people there as part of that positive experience the more I would look forward to coming to work out. I hate to admit it, but he was right... AGAIN *rolling eyes*
Saturday, March 6, 2010
On a quick descent into the trough....
My plan for my next post had been to talk about clothes, but I think I need to make a detour from the plan and just do some downloading. I will admit I have re-written parts of this post now multiple times. I still struggle with how honest to be on here, how much to disclose, how vulnerable to allow myself to be. But I am in one of those places where I need to just unload I think or it will run around endlessly in my head and make me more upset. So here it is.....the good, the bad and the ugly from today.
The good... new friendships. I have never been great about balancing my life, especially my social life. I am a work a holic and have come at this training the same way. For those things I always find time, but when it comes to friendships and just relaxing, I am not so good at balance. It is a part of my life that has always lacked. So the last place I ever thought I would find friends or enjoy hanging out was the gym. Yet this morning I sat for over an hour and just hung out with some of the amazing people I have met through the EAT program and working out. In and out of our conversations drifted different trainers and our nutrition instructor and other LTF staff, it just seemed such a natural place to be. This was definitely the highlight of my morning, just being around people who are all on the same path I am on and not having to work at it.
The bad...my weight and my workout. Well I didn't make my milestone number of 275 today. I actually gained 2 pounds. And while I know it isnt fat and I know it will rebound this week. It's frustrating, because I know I could have prevented it, had I stuck to where I was. I know everyone around me, my trainer, the nutritionist and so on would disagree, but I am upset now for eating too many calories yesterday (around 2000), for having more carbs than I normally would have, for drinking the glass of wine when we went out last night. I knew when I got up this morning I felt fat and bloated and the scale just confirmed what I knew.
On top of that I didn't do anywhere near what I should have in my workout this morning. I was not keeping up the pace I should have, I was not in good form and I struggled with simple tasks like stepping up on a bench - something any 39 year old should be able to sail through. I can't blame it on my body today, it wasn't a bad balance day. I just was doing a crappy job with everything. I really wasted Gui's time today. Not happy with myself at all.
Then came the ugly...this is the part I have rewritten multiple times now. I am fighting my old patterns with people. Letting people into my life (beyond superficially) is really hard for me, trusting in someone is even harder and allowing myself to feel dependent on them is nearly impossible. I try so hard not to do it. I have firmly stuck to a policy over the years of "never let anyone get close enough to you that if they walked out of your life you would be upset". I know that is horrible to say, but it is how I protect myself. Every time I have strayed from that it has ended in heartbreak or my own messing things up because I destruct things to protect myself (it is easier to push someone away than to wait til they walk away).
And I am wondering now if I have made that mistake with Gui. That is going to sound incredibly shocking being my last post was about how much he has done for me, I still feel all that. But I guess I have been having a reality check the last few days on how far inside my walls I have let him get, and it hit a peak this morning.
My stress over all this started a few days ago when I looked at my calendar and realized that in the next month I am going to be away more than I am going to be here. That my training time is going to be incredibly limited. That I am going to from 3 days a week to 2 weeks without anything and less in other weeks. I know it sounds stupid but I have images of my weight going back to where it was, to losing all the progress I have made on strength and balance and being back to where I was 3 months ago. I know that is illogical, but it is where my mind is on this. I don't feel I have done this is in a way that I am able to do it all on my own, and I am kicking myself for that. Did I make a mistake having a trainer? Should I have fought through this on my own so I had it all in my hands to do no matter what?
I was holding it together on all of it, barely. Telling myself it was only 2 weeks, that it would be fine. But today on top of the "bad" above, I also found out that when I get back, 2 days later Gui leaves on vacation for two weeks. And then when he gets back I have a conference I leave for the following week for a week.
I logically know this is a temporary amount of time that it is going to be this complicated, I know I wont go backwards that much if at all, I know there are other trainers I can work with while he is gone. But the logical doesn't matter when my heart and mind start this kind of spiral. I find myself questioning my choices to now, have I let myself become too dependent on someone else? How did I even let that happen? How did my guard get dropped to this point? And I question my path going forward, do I pull back on training and learn to do this all on my own? Is that even possible? Do I just give up on the whole thing and go back to accepting where I was in life?
I'm sure given a day or two this will all seem silly and these tears and the panic I am feeling will go away, but today I really wonder if I made a critical mistake I will long regret!!!!!
The good... new friendships. I have never been great about balancing my life, especially my social life. I am a work a holic and have come at this training the same way. For those things I always find time, but when it comes to friendships and just relaxing, I am not so good at balance. It is a part of my life that has always lacked. So the last place I ever thought I would find friends or enjoy hanging out was the gym. Yet this morning I sat for over an hour and just hung out with some of the amazing people I have met through the EAT program and working out. In and out of our conversations drifted different trainers and our nutrition instructor and other LTF staff, it just seemed such a natural place to be. This was definitely the highlight of my morning, just being around people who are all on the same path I am on and not having to work at it.
The bad...my weight and my workout. Well I didn't make my milestone number of 275 today. I actually gained 2 pounds. And while I know it isnt fat and I know it will rebound this week. It's frustrating, because I know I could have prevented it, had I stuck to where I was. I know everyone around me, my trainer, the nutritionist and so on would disagree, but I am upset now for eating too many calories yesterday (around 2000), for having more carbs than I normally would have, for drinking the glass of wine when we went out last night. I knew when I got up this morning I felt fat and bloated and the scale just confirmed what I knew.
On top of that I didn't do anywhere near what I should have in my workout this morning. I was not keeping up the pace I should have, I was not in good form and I struggled with simple tasks like stepping up on a bench - something any 39 year old should be able to sail through. I can't blame it on my body today, it wasn't a bad balance day. I just was doing a crappy job with everything. I really wasted Gui's time today. Not happy with myself at all.
Then came the ugly...this is the part I have rewritten multiple times now. I am fighting my old patterns with people. Letting people into my life (beyond superficially) is really hard for me, trusting in someone is even harder and allowing myself to feel dependent on them is nearly impossible. I try so hard not to do it. I have firmly stuck to a policy over the years of "never let anyone get close enough to you that if they walked out of your life you would be upset". I know that is horrible to say, but it is how I protect myself. Every time I have strayed from that it has ended in heartbreak or my own messing things up because I destruct things to protect myself (it is easier to push someone away than to wait til they walk away).
And I am wondering now if I have made that mistake with Gui. That is going to sound incredibly shocking being my last post was about how much he has done for me, I still feel all that. But I guess I have been having a reality check the last few days on how far inside my walls I have let him get, and it hit a peak this morning.
My stress over all this started a few days ago when I looked at my calendar and realized that in the next month I am going to be away more than I am going to be here. That my training time is going to be incredibly limited. That I am going to from 3 days a week to 2 weeks without anything and less in other weeks. I know it sounds stupid but I have images of my weight going back to where it was, to losing all the progress I have made on strength and balance and being back to where I was 3 months ago. I know that is illogical, but it is where my mind is on this. I don't feel I have done this is in a way that I am able to do it all on my own, and I am kicking myself for that. Did I make a mistake having a trainer? Should I have fought through this on my own so I had it all in my hands to do no matter what?
I was holding it together on all of it, barely. Telling myself it was only 2 weeks, that it would be fine. But today on top of the "bad" above, I also found out that when I get back, 2 days later Gui leaves on vacation for two weeks. And then when he gets back I have a conference I leave for the following week for a week.
I logically know this is a temporary amount of time that it is going to be this complicated, I know I wont go backwards that much if at all, I know there are other trainers I can work with while he is gone. But the logical doesn't matter when my heart and mind start this kind of spiral. I find myself questioning my choices to now, have I let myself become too dependent on someone else? How did I even let that happen? How did my guard get dropped to this point? And I question my path going forward, do I pull back on training and learn to do this all on my own? Is that even possible? Do I just give up on the whole thing and go back to accepting where I was in life?
I'm sure given a day or two this will all seem silly and these tears and the panic I am feeling will go away, but today I really wonder if I made a critical mistake I will long regret!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
