Another clothes post, sorry, its just all about clothes today!
I had said in my last post that I had another bathing suit and could limp bye with it. I was wrong, two nights in the heavily chlorinated pool at the club and that old relic pretty much disintegrated. It was probably 10 years old, so it was due a proper burial anyway. But since I am trying to swim more this week, as my second workout each day, I had to do something.
So, I got up every bit of nerve I had and decided to face this demon. It's gross and grey and rainy out and has been a pretty bad day anyway, so I figured I might as well deal with it all at once. Why ruin a good day? Who would have known how well it would turn out.
I decided to start my shopping at a local swim shop. Buying a bathing suit for daily swimming at a retail store doesn't usually go well. Either they aren't cut right for swimming laps or you find a decent one and a month later you are replacing it again because it can't handle the constant chlorine. I knew the swim shop had some larger sizes in the pro lines and thought MAYBE I had lost enough weight to squeeze into the largest they had on their website (a 26). I couldn't even pull that one up past my knees when I was in there in November.
When I got there I was assisted by a pretty little 20 something with a perfect body. That did not help. So I quietly grabbed the largest speedo they had and sulked off to the changing room, preparing how I was going to casually leave when it didn't fit.
It took everything in me not to scream out loud when I put it on and it was TOO BIG!!!!
It then hit me, I am finally rejoining the human race! No more being stuck only shopping in fat person stores, no more having to pray I can find things that fit. While I am still very much plus size, I am starting to be able to shop in normal stores. They still hide my sizes over in some dark corner, but at least it is a dark corner of normal stores with name brands.
It got even better when the next size down was too big, and the next one after that. I walked out of the store with a bathing suit 4 sizes smaller than the one I had prayed would just fit. I might have been able to go one size smaller even, but no matter how much weight I have lost I still don't look GOOD in a speedo swim suit and wasn't going any smaller than what I got.
This is going to sound so silly, but I have tried it on two more times since I brought it home. I keep expecting for it not to fit. I still can't make my brain process the size I am now, it seems a little surreal (which has been the word of the day anyway!). I don't feel any smaller, but the tag on the bathing suit still says the same number it did at the store and it still fits.
As if that wasn't enough joy for one day, I also came home to a box from the UPS man. Two pairs of jeans I had ordered, in the next size down I would need soon - they are 7 sizes smaller than I would have bought in May, and the store I got them from wouldn't have even had jeans my size back then, and in the right cut (straight leg, their stores locally only have boot cut which I am too short for). And of course I had to try them on to see how long til they would fit. Not only do they fit, but I looked in the mirror and said something I have NEVER said about jeans, I look pretty good in these *smile*.
Yeah I have gone and checked the mirror twice on those too, just have to make sure it hasn't gone away.
Here's a news flash.....I am stubborn and hard headed! Shall I continue now that you all have stopped laughing and making snide comments? *smile*
I'll be the first to admit that once I get something in my head, it isn't easy to change my mind. It works for me in a lot of situations. That tenacity has gotten me through a lot of tough things and helped me accomplish things I never would have otherwise. But I learn on a regular basis lately, it is probably my worst quality when it comes to weight loss. I have a very hard time letting those with much more knowledge than me call the shots. Yes Gui, I am talking about you again, of course.
Carbs is one of those topics that I just have my own stance on. Every time I up them I seem to retain more fluid and in turn the number on the scale goes up. So I am always very hesitant to eat any, certainly not the amount that most people eat, and definitely not the amount the trainer would prefer. And I guess I just didn't see the harm in it, until Monday.
It's not often that Gui gets overly serious with me, but I have to admit he kind of spooked me Monday. We were reviewing my meal plan for the day and all of a sudden the mood changed drastically and I saw a look of concern and heard a tone I hadn't before. I decided maybe it was time to pay a little more attention. I need to get better about the carbs, before I create health issues I have no need for. There is no point in losing all this weight if it comes at a cost to my overall health.
So to that end I decided yesterday I was going to find creative ways to get more carbs, without heading to bread and cakes. My first try, I was going to make "ice cream" from canned pumkin.
I should point out before I go any further, I don't cook. I microwave, I eat out. The genes for cooking went to my older sister not me. So I knew this was going to an adventure.
Into the Ninja (a great food processor type gadget) I dumped:
Canned pumpkin
Vanilla Almond Milk
Pecans
Nutmeg
Clove
Cinnamon
Ginger
BiPro protein powder.
Once I moved it to the other container (I used the small one the first time and the cover wouldn't fit) it went pretty well. Nothing blew up, I didn't spray it all over the kitchen, and tasting it in the liquid state it wasn't bad. I was a little heavy handed on the spices and need to cut that back. But otherwise it was a reasonable faxsimile of pumpkin ice cream. I was so excited and into the freezer it went.
This morning I got up all excited and went right to the freezer. Sadly I must report, I will be throwing it out now. The consistency is horrible. It is nothing like ice cream, it is closer to a flavored ice. It has a lot of taste, but I just can't convince myself it is ice cream or anything close.
I know I should try again, but I have to admit maybe I am not as convinced I need all these carbs as I was yesterday *smile*
The part of this journey I was most excited about was none of my clothes fitting and getting to buy new clothes. That was supposed to be the fun part. But just like so many other things, I was wrong.
Well the first part was right, it is very cool that my old clothes no longer fit. I gave away 8 bags of clothes to charity on February 7th and have another 2 bags ready to go again. Doing that was a little scary, part of me felt that urge to hang on to them "just in case" but as many people advised me, I needed to remove the "just in case" option. So I did. My closets looked so empty. It felt good and to know that that much of my past was gone and behind me. But life with new clothes has been much more of a challenge than I realized.
Shopping - Buying new clothes has not been nearly the amount of fun so far I had hoped. In truth, it is really stressful.
Let me explain how you shop when you weigh 338 pounds. You find any store you can that has the clothes your size, and if something looks acceptable you buy it. You cant be picky when your shirts are 4x and your pants are a plus size 12 (equivalent I think to around a women's 34). I got lucky a few years ago and found the Catherine's chain and have always been able to find clothes there, for work and play. They weren't the most stylish, but they were ok. And I did find jeans and pants there that fit my weird body type and also my weight. And since my body stayed in the same size range (within 2 or 3 sizes) for a bunch of years, shopping was easy. Go in, grab that size and go. No questions no concerns. This works for me as I don't have a lot of patience with shopping (I dont think most large people do).
That ease is gone. At this point I have dropped to an XL shirt in most styles, and my pants size has dropped 6 sizes. Don't get me wrong, that makes me ESTATIC, I am not in any way complaining about being smaller. But it has made shopping challenging, because I have no clue what size I am at when I walk in a store. This also presents a challenge with ordering on line, a must I will get to in a minute. Also I am finding the styles I had grown acustomed to, are no longer being made (because I bought them so long ago). I nearly cried when I went to buy the jeans I love in my smaller size and they no longer make them.
Mind/body disconnect - The next challenge of clothes right now, is that I am learning I don't know what looks good on me and I have little confidence in my choices (shopping or what to wear out of the closet). I think alot of this is coming from the disconnect I am still feeling between the results on the scale and what my brain sees in the mirror. I don't know how to dress this body yet. The size that they claim fits seems extremely tight and showy to me (after hiding in baggy clothes for so long) and the size I feel is where I am is huge and does nothing for me. Where are Stacy and Clinton when you need them????
Clothes don't last - The other lesson I am learning is that every time the scale drops after I get done celebrating I seem to be back at the store. A pair of pants lasts about 2 weeks, shirts about a month, before they are headed for the "too big pile" awaiting the next drop off to charity (and as a couple people have pointed out, the shirts probably shouldn't be lasting that long either as I am wearing them to way too big). It's expensive and a little frustrating to be going through clothes this fast, but at the same time it makes for some good stories after the fact.
Like my adventures getting dressed for client meetings! The lesson I have learned on this the hard way (twice....who says I can't learn *grin*) is not to wait until the morning of an important meeting before figuring out what I am going to wear. Both times I did that I got up at 6am and got dressed and my pants fell off. Once I made a colleague run to the store with me before a meeting just to buy something to wear.
To combat this I now have started an every two week ritual of trying on my key pieces just to see where they are at so I can be prepared. Someone really needs to come up with an automatic shipping program for people losing lots of weight *smile*.
Workout wear - Ok my greatest advice for someone about to embark on serious weight loss. Plan ahead, think about where you live and be prepared. There is nothing harder than finding plus size shorts in the middle of January in Minnesota! Oh wait, yes there is, finding a new bathing suit the first week of March in Minnesota!!!!
Workout clothes were never a staple of my wardrobe to start with, so I came into this with precious few to be doing this 7 days a week with anyway. But what few I have have long ago stopped fitting right, but yet they soldier on waiting for the warmer weather when I can find new ones. Multiple people have suggested shopping on line, but as I mentioned earlier, when you don't know anymore how anything will fit and you are buying styles you never have before that is nearly impossible.
Swimwear - I titled this entry "Bye bye bathing suit", because for an obese woman that is the hardest piece of clothing to find and to be ok with. No matter who makes it or what the style, when you are over 300 pounds a bathing suit will never look good. So when you find one that you feel even mildly comfortable in you hold on to it for dear life. The thought of throwing it out is terrifying because you never know if you will find another one to fit.
Well my friends, the time has come to deal with this. I have to let go. The bathing suit I wore at 338 pounds long ago stopped fitting right, the butt is sagging, the material is hanging and it basically looks like I stole someone's clothes. But yet I continued to wear it. Finding another one here in MN in the winter is not a likely find. But today I have decided that regardless I have to let it go. 64 pounds gone and it just doesn't fit any more. It is going in the garbage can as soon as I finish this post, maybe. *sheepish grin*
I have another one that I can get by on til I find one, but this is still the hardest piece of clothing I have had to let go of. I now have 2 months to find one that fits right before I go on vacation, but that seems like a short time given the season and given my size.
Otherwise I guess Irwin will be helping me find that naked beach in Tel Aviv...now there's a visual that should render you all blind for the night *grin*.
Ok a quick public service announcement first...... *climbing up on table with megaphone*...... I did it, we did it, 274 pounds!!!!!! I know I am not supposed to focus on the number, but this was a big deal for me. I can't recall the last time I weighed less than 275 pounds. It had to be the mid 90's. If someone had asked me three months ago if I believed I could get here at all, let alone in this time frame, I would never have believed it or even considered it. Gui, I can't thank you enough for all the help and support, for kicking my butt, for putting me back on the wagon and dusting me off every time I fall apart. *jumps off table* (too bad I can't manage that in real life *grin*). Enough celebrating, lots of hard work ahead as I crawl towards 250!
Now, I hope the non-trainers reading this will forgive me. This is a targetted post. Gui, Tiffany, Kristin and even you "Murdering Meredith" and any others reading who I don't know are reading, this is targeted to you. I have a question for you, do you really get how much impact you have on people's live? Do you give yourselves credit for how much you come to mean to the people you work with? Ok, yeah two questions, I know!
I have already gone into, at length, my fears of being without my trainer. And hadn't intended to open that topic back up again. But in addition to the immenese gratitude I am feeling towards my trainer tonight, I also had an experience at the club tonight that just left me thinking about all this again.
Today was ab work with Gui, which tends to be more obvious to others, because you arent nicely tucked away on a machine. You are on the floor and quite obvious. Gui was also back in "cheerleader mode" *grin* and invisibility wasn't happening. I had noticed a woman watching us, but didnt think much of it at the time.
While I was changing after the workout she came up to me and said sheepishly "You work with Gui right?" Yes? "I really wanted to get to meet you". My two regrets from this conversation were 1) I never asked why she wanted to meet me and 2) I never got her name. But I was cordial and we started chatting. She then shared with had been working with a trainer she really liked and he had just transferred to another club. And how she had been watching us and thinking about that. She said she felt lost and had been crying over what to do next.
The timing of the conversation was rather ironic considering how hard I am working right now to try to become ok with being away and my own struggles over even temporarily being without a trainer.
This is also the third conversation in a week I have had or heard with people who used to work with the trainer who left and are feeling lost. And Mary Kay and I chatting around her trainer moving away was pretty much the same topic.
I have to admit I get the sense talking to Gui and some of the other trainers at the club, that most of you really don't get it. That while you see your jobs as meaningful, you don't get how much you change our lives and how much you become part of our lives. I realize to you we are one of many, but you need to understand to us you are so much more. I can say without a doubt, I didn't start down this path looking for any kind of meaningful relationship in my life, but I am now not sure you can truly be on this path without that bond.
It was funny, a comment was made today during my workout about me being like a child at times, while it was said in sarcasm because I was whining about not wanting to do something, thinking about it, in some ways that is how this all feels. I have not felt this lost at something, or felt like I had to try so hard with such slow progress and felt so insecure at something as I do with this journey since I was a child learning to read and tie my shoes. For a reasonably intelligent person who learns everything else in my life at a very fast pace, I do feel like a child at this. And just like a child you look for those teachers and mentors to guide the way and also to make it safe. And just like many of those teachers, you come to hold a special place in our lives! You become part of who we become!
I genuinely hope you realize even part of how much you mean to us and how valuable what you do is!
Food, my least favorite topic of all. But the one that everyone wants to talk to me about. As soon as people learn I have lost upwards of 60 pounds the first question is what diet are you on (to which I usually roll my eyes and sigh, as the word diet is something I am trying so hard to avoid).
I have tried very hard through all this not to look at it as a "diet" or even a short term way of life, I am trying very hard to change my approach to food and what I eat and when I eat, because I have no desire to reach my goal and then backslide. I think that is the hardest thing for people around me to understand. I hear on a daily basis, but just think when you get there you can start having dessert again, or that this is just for the short term. I can't let myself think that way, now or in the future. This has to be a genuine lifestyle change or this is all a waste of time, effort and a lot of money. So what have I tried to change...
The amount I eat - this is still my biggest challenge. I have already admitted multiple times, I don't like having to eat. I am never hungry and it is work for me. I was also raised believing the math was...eat less weigh less. Let's be honest, most everyone who sees a fat person makes the assumption they are that way from over eating. That we are all fat slobs who sit around the table gorging ourselves to no end. And even though that wasn't my style at all, I still bought into the mindset.
But I think somewhere in the back of my mind I knew better all along. I have never eaten enough to weigh what I do/did and certainly not enough to gain the weight I was. One of the facts Gui reminds me of regularly (when I am stressing gaining a pound or two) is that to truly gain fat you have to eat 3500 calories extra. So there is no way when I was eating 800 - 1000 max a day all the weight I gained was fat from what I was eating. There had to be more to it.
What I have learned over the last few months, is that you can gain weight from eating too little as easily as from too much. That when the body is given less than it needs it changes how food is metabolized, how it is stored, and how the body protects itself and converts calories that a normal person would burn into fat to store up for perceived starvation.
As ironic as it sounds, I started losing weight when I started eating!!!!!
When I eat - Another myth that has been pushed on us by groups like weight watchers and Richard Simmons is that we have an allotted number of calories (or points) in a day and that as long as when we go to bed at night we have crossed everything off that list (or given away all the cards in the deck) and no more it has been a good day. That the sum at the end is the important part. It's not the case, and it took me a while to get that.
I was always a night eater. I hate breakfast, I am usually working during the day so I don't think about meals, and then I would have a huge dinner and snacks afterwards. Even after I started with Gui, I was not going over the calorie number we set (if anything I was under) but I was having nearly all of it in one meal and I couldn't get why that was a problem. It took him putting it in terms I use at work (budgeting and working to the task level) before I truly got it. Looking back now, I realize that how I was doing it before was as stupid as planning a 2000 mile car trip, but not getting gas until 1800 miles in. It doesn't work! Your body uses an even amount of fuel all day and needs it provided that way to work properly.
I now work very hard to eat more evenly throughout the day, 3 meals and 2-3 snacks of even calorie proportions. And I also do not play "catch up". If I didn't have breakfast those calories are gone for the day. The body can't go back and burn what you were supposed to eat at another time. Personally I think this is the change overall that has made the most difference in my weight loss.
What I eat - I am not any "diet". I am not avoiding carbs, I am not doing cleanses or only eating a certain color food. Those are all fads and can not be maintained long term and be healthy. I am just trying to learn to eat better, to eat more balanced and to make smarter choices.
My first smarter choice was giving up soda and fruit juices. I used to go through 2 six packs of soda a day, first coke, then I moved to gingerale. After giving up the soda I was living on cranapple juice. The first 20 lbs I lost came off just by giving up those empty calories and switching to water.
My second vice I have tried to let go of is desserts. I love ice cream, I love pudding, I love cheesecake and I Iived for chocolate - OMG how I lived for chocolate. But the reality is again, they have no redeeming values. They have empty calories, and for my body even beyond the calories they cause problems. I am very prone to high insulin and low blood sugar (most carb cravers are) and that combination means everything high in sugar and carbs has a tendency to be stored as fat. Even fruits, which we all grew up thinking were the perfect food, can be a problem in excess or if not paired with some kind of protein or fat to slow down how they are processed.
I now try for balance - particularly with the percentages of protein, fat and carbs. I journal everything I eat using a website I was shown in my first meeting with Gui ( www.mydailyplate.com) and no matter how bad the day is going I am honest and put it down, there is no point in lying about it. I will admit I have skipped one day in 3 months because I ate so little I was ashamed to journal it, but otherwise I have stuck to the journal and it has been a great help to me. I do not use it to beat up on myself for what I did wrong, but to help me try to get better about it. It lets me see where I am off balance or missing the marks.
Acceptance of my battle with food - the part of all this I am slowly coming to terms with is that this is never going to be easier for me. Food is always going to be a challenge that I have to manage. My body while it is getting healthier, is what it is and those things that are just genetic or emotional or whatever, like my hatred for eating, are probably with me for life. I am probably never going to be a fan of breakfast, I am probably never going to be hungry when I should be. But part of the solution is realizing these things, and being ready to cope with them. That is where I am trying to get now, seeing these changes as just part of changing me, not a temporary diet, not something to hide, just me!
"Wish that I could cry, Fall upon my knees, Find a way to lie, About a home I’ll never see.
It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive, Even heroes have the right to bleed, I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede, Even heroes have the right to dream, It’s not easy to be me...
I’m only a man in a silly red sheet, Digging for kryptonite on this one way street, Only a man in a funny red sheet, Looking for special things inside of me, Inside of me"
(Superman by Five for Fighting)
I've gone to that bad place where I just start laughing at EVERYTHING. No more tears, no more stress, just hysterical maniacal laughter. I somedays really have to believe that life is just some sick joke, like an episode of "Punk'd", that we are just god's entertainment and every time we feel like we have life figured out a few more things get flung at us just to watch how well we will cope. This is turning into that kind of weekend.
As I mentioned yesterday, I am really struggling with the balance I feel I have found with my training being upended for about 6 weeks. And while I know the people around me are trying to be helpful and genuinely care, my honesty about feeling overwhelmed has mostly been met with comments about how strong I am and how I can do anything. Which while totally well intentioned can be really frustrating for me. It is very hard for me to admit when I don't feel capable of handling something, putting that vulnerability out these is incredibly scary for me and NOT something I do often or easily. So when instead of that being ok, for me to be human and have limitations, my well meaning friends try to show me why what I feel is wrong, that I am strong and should be able to do it all. Which just makes me regret even having admitted how I feel. It's easier to just smile for the world and pretend all is well than to admit its not and have it be judged.
So to that end, I woke up this morning ready to just pretend it was all well and good. That I wasn't scared, that I wasn't a wreck inside, just smile and cope on my own. Not new for me, I'm good at it. But just when I had conqured that mountain, I had another realization..one that sent me past the trough and into Gartner's forgotten stage "the den of irrational laughter".
So here was my latest realization...not only are my workouts going to be "off" during that period, but Passover starts March 30th, which means at the same time my eating habits are also going to change radically. *laughing while typing*
For those that don't celebrate Passover (Pesach)... this is the 8 days during which we remember the exodus of the Jews from Egypt. How observant people are varies, at the most liberal end nothing with yeast which has risen is eating. At the most conservative end nothing with corn, wheat, rye, oats, rice or white flour is acceptable-whole wheat flour is out too, also legumes and most nuts are also out.
My observance typically tends to fall somewhere in the middle. I try to stick to skipping anything that rises and anything with one of the five grains. I have no clue where it is going to fall this year. Part of me is thinking "great, no carbs, don't like them any way" but at the same time I also know that my almond milk and protein powder should be out and that if I take all carbs out I am never going to get even close to the calories I need to continue to lose weight.
I know for this post to be complete there should be more, some great solution, some great plan, but the truth is, I don't know what my solution is going to be. It scares the life out of me how I am going manage all of this changing at once and away from home and the club at the same time. But truth, I can't even think it through right now. It's too much, so for now I am just going to laugh!!!!!!!
One of the things that makes Lifetime stand out, in my mind, from other gyms is how many services are available beyond just exercise. LTF has trainers who specialize in nutrition and metabolic testing, there is a massage department, there are educational programs and in some clubs (Eagan doesnt have this) there is a full spa. While having all these additional experts to turn to can greatly enhance the experience, for me it started out more than a bit overwhelming.
If I easily came to a great comfort with working with Gui (maybe too easily), the opposite can be said for the attention of the rest of the training department. As I mentioned in an earlier post, more than anything I wanted to fly under the radar when I started working out. I was very self conscious and paranoid. I felt like the target of laughter and judgement even though no one ever did anything that even resembled either.
I had an interesting talk today with friends about the difference about growing up in a small town vs a bigger city. In thinking about it, I think this paranoia about others talking about me is in big part of a result of growing up in a very small town where everyone knew everyone (I graduated with 24 people) and everyone talked about everyone and judged everyone. I have never fully gotten past that feeling of being watched and ripped apart in a gossip driven town. Eagan LTF for as big as it is, has a small town feel at times (everyone seems to know everything) and so it was easy to transfer those feelings to it.
But just like I could never hide out living in that small town, it became very evident very fast that I wasn't going to hide out at LTF either. With a department of 9 trainers and needing to have multiple tests done and issues that needed to involve other players I quickly found more and more people involved in my journey, like it or not. Everyone knew what I was eating (or not eating), everyone knew what my weight was doing, and everyone knew the tests I failed. That was really hard for me.
Who Gui is didn't help much either with keeping me invisible. It's hard to easily describe his personality in a blog. On a good day he is a little bit tigger (bouncing around) crossed with the tasmanian devil. I haven't met anyone in long long time that has his energy and enthusiasm. Add in a healthy dose of sarcastic, tell it like it is (which I GREATLY value and I think is why we click) and when he wants it to be a voice like a megaphone and you are getting close. (and BTW I say that all as a compliment if anyone is wondering, his personality is a perfect match for me! I need someone who has that strong a personality to balance out my stubborness and control issues!)
Even when he isnt trying, you don't hide well when working wtih Gui. But add to it that he is good at pushing my buttons and quickly learned that cheering loudly for me while I was working out got my attention (as I tried to shush him) and starting using it to keep me moving. Being invisible was NOT happening well at all. Its hard to admit now, but this group visibility came close to driving me away from LTF a couple times. I wasn't ready to embrace it. I couldn't get past the image I had created in my head of them sitting around at meetings laughing about me and making fun of my inadequacies.
My cross roads on this came the day I had my second cardio-point test done (a metabolic test that deserves a post of its own soon). I had already steeled myself for having yet another trainer I hadn't worked with befor doing the test, and having to tell yet another person all my limitations. But what I wasn't prepared for was most of the trainers being 10 feet away the whole time. For some reason everyone was around that morning and appeared to know what was going on. For those that didn't already, Gui had come in on his day off to "assist" me and was not doing to quietly. I think the whole gym knew I was doing the test by the end of it! Luckily the test turned out reasonably well, I'm not sure if I would have ever come back had I failed again in front of that many people, but luckily I didn't have to find out.
I don't know what changed inside me after that morning, I wish I did, it would be handy to know for other situations. But somewhere in the support I got that morning I came to see that these people were really on my side, and that if I stopped fighting the idea so much I probably had a lot to gain from them. It was a good decision. I have since gotten to know many of the other trainers and have found them to be incredibly supportive, informative and just fun to be around. I now enjoy interacting with them and don't shy away at all from turning to them with questions I am struggling with or just for a good laugh.
I think a lot of the comfort I found with them is what has since allowed me to start this blog and share this journey publicly. That once I broke through my need to hide this from the world it all became easier to share.
Gui told me at one point in my struggle with this, that the point is to enjoy being at the club and that the the more I could see people there as part of that positive experience the more I would look forward to coming to work out. I hate to admit it, but he was right... AGAIN *rolling eyes*
My plan for my next post had been to talk about clothes, but I think I need to make a detour from the plan and just do some downloading. I will admit I have re-written parts of this post now multiple times. I still struggle with how honest to be on here, how much to disclose, how vulnerable to allow myself to be. But I am in one of those places where I need to just unload I think or it will run around endlessly in my head and make me more upset. So here it is.....the good, the bad and the ugly from today.
The good... new friendships. I have never been great about balancing my life, especially my social life. I am a work a holic and have come at this training the same way. For those things I always find time, but when it comes to friendships and just relaxing, I am not so good at balance. It is a part of my life that has always lacked. So the last place I ever thought I would find friends or enjoy hanging out was the gym. Yet this morning I sat for over an hour and just hung out with some of the amazing people I have met through the EAT program and working out. In and out of our conversations drifted different trainers and our nutrition instructor and other LTF staff, it just seemed such a natural place to be. This was definitely the highlight of my morning, just being around people who are all on the same path I am on and not having to work at it.
The bad...my weight and my workout. Well I didn't make my milestone number of 275 today. I actually gained 2 pounds. And while I know it isnt fat and I know it will rebound this week. It's frustrating, because I know I could have prevented it, had I stuck to where I was. I know everyone around me, my trainer, the nutritionist and so on would disagree, but I am upset now for eating too many calories yesterday (around 2000), for having more carbs than I normally would have, for drinking the glass of wine when we went out last night. I knew when I got up this morning I felt fat and bloated and the scale just confirmed what I knew.
On top of that I didn't do anywhere near what I should have in my workout this morning. I was not keeping up the pace I should have, I was not in good form and I struggled with simple tasks like stepping up on a bench - something any 39 year old should be able to sail through. I can't blame it on my body today, it wasn't a bad balance day. I just was doing a crappy job with everything. I really wasted Gui's time today. Not happy with myself at all.
Then came the ugly...this is the part I have rewritten multiple times now. I am fighting my old patterns with people. Letting people into my life (beyond superficially) is really hard for me, trusting in someone is even harder and allowing myself to feel dependent on them is nearly impossible. I try so hard not to do it. I have firmly stuck to a policy over the years of "never let anyone get close enough to you that if they walked out of your life you would be upset". I know that is horrible to say, but it is how I protect myself. Every time I have strayed from that it has ended in heartbreak or my own messing things up because I destruct things to protect myself (it is easier to push someone away than to wait til they walk away).
And I am wondering now if I have made that mistake with Gui. That is going to sound incredibly shocking being my last post was about how much he has done for me, I still feel all that. But I guess I have been having a reality check the last few days on how far inside my walls I have let him get, and it hit a peak this morning.
My stress over all this started a few days ago when I looked at my calendar and realized that in the next month I am going to be away more than I am going to be here. That my training time is going to be incredibly limited. That I am going to from 3 days a week to 2 weeks without anything and less in other weeks. I know it sounds stupid but I have images of my weight going back to where it was, to losing all the progress I have made on strength and balance and being back to where I was 3 months ago. I know that is illogical, but it is where my mind is on this. I don't feel I have done this is in a way that I am able to do it all on my own, and I am kicking myself for that. Did I make a mistake having a trainer? Should I have fought through this on my own so I had it all in my hands to do no matter what?
I was holding it together on all of it, barely. Telling myself it was only 2 weeks, that it would be fine. But today on top of the "bad" above, I also found out that when I get back, 2 days later Gui leaves on vacation for two weeks. And then when he gets back I have a conference I leave for the following week for a week.
I logically know this is a temporary amount of time that it is going to be this complicated, I know I wont go backwards that much if at all, I know there are other trainers I can work with while he is gone. But the logical doesn't matter when my heart and mind start this kind of spiral. I find myself questioning my choices to now, have I let myself become too dependent on someone else? How did I even let that happen? How did my guard get dropped to this point? And I question my path going forward, do I pull back on training and learn to do this all on my own? Is that even possible? Do I just give up on the whole thing and go back to accepting where I was in life?
I'm sure given a day or two this will all seem silly and these tears and the panic I am feeling will go away, but today I really wonder if I made a critical mistake I will long regret!!!!!
I get asked all the time, how did you find the right trainer....truth it was pure luck...
In yiddish, there is a word...B'sheret...something that is meant to be! Sometimes life just puts people in the right place, at the right time and it all comes together. That is how I view being paired with my trainer, Guilherme Paraiso. Most of you in my life know him as Gui (prounced Geeeeeeeeeeee (with the long e sound), some of you know him affectionately as "Torture Boy" (depending on the day I mentioned him *smile*). Working with Gui is one of those happy accidents that later feels like something someone had a greater hand in!!!!!
As I mentioned yesterday, I had no plans when I joined the club to work with a trainer. I felt I was in no place physically to even consider the option, and also wasn't ready to look that incompetent to another human being. I had had very bad experiences with my physical therapists years ago and had no real desire to repeat any of that.
Even though I knew that a free session with a trainer was part of my club membership, I hadn't acted on it, so I figured it would quietly sit. So when I got the first email from Gui, introducing himself and suggesting we meet and talk, I was hesitant at best. But never one to turn down something free I went with it. Thinking, ok...this person will see how bad my leg is and how fat I am and tell me there is nothing they can do and that will be that. I should have known better just from the few emails we exchanged prior to our meeting. From the first time I mentioned my "challenges" (while trying to come up with a date that worked) he was already sharing that he had worked with other clients with similar challenges and acted as if they were nothing to worry about. He at least had me intrigued.
On first glance seeing him at our meeting, I have to admit, my thought was "oh great, just what I expected"...young (25), not bad looking, obviously works out...yup...he ain't going to have a brain in his head! I was wrong!!!!! I was so wrong.
We chatted for about an hour, and as much as I wanted to stay guarded and not put myself in a position to end up spending money (knowing trainers work on commission and that was his job, to sell me thing) it didn't happen. He put me completely at ease and more than that, he made it clear he believed all my challenges could be overcome. And I put him to the test on that right away, as we talked about the benefit of protein powders it became evident I wasn't going to be able to use LTF's brand or any easily obtainable on the market because of the artificial sweetner most contain, but he vowed to find one (and did a day later). It was clear he felt my goals were obtainable, but more importantly, in just that one meeting, he made ME consider maybe they were! I am still not sure why I took the leap that day, but I did, and agreed to give training a few tries. Coincidentally, it was black friday and the club had a "buy 3 get 1 free" on training just for that day, so decided to commit to 4 sessions, one a week, to see what happened.
Whether the path we took from there was necessary or not seems to be where we have differing views. Gui tells me he "tricked me" into comfort by starting out in the pool, I personally think it was necessary (as much mentally as physically) but for the next 4 weeks we worked on strength and balance in the pool. The water is an environment where my leg and the nerve damage are less of an issue because of the support the water provides, as well as the fact that if you fall over it hurts a lot less!!!! I feel safe in the water and those four weeks gave me the chance to build up trust in him, trust in my body and a bit of strength to move on to the hard work. We also in that month worked on what I was eating, when I was eating and some other lifestyle issues and in those 4 weeks I dropped 14 lbs.
Although I felt great success from that time, I don't want to make it sound like it was easy. I struggled with the simplest exercises and found a frustration I didn't know possible in how little my body could do. Things that others would consider easy, walking the length of the pool holding an exercise band up, were monumental tasks for me. But looking back, I can't say I ever felt judged or made to feel inadequate for any of it, and that is probably what kept me moving forward more than the number on the scale or the changes in my body. I dreaded each session when we started, there were many times if I hadn't already paid for them I wouldn't have come back, but somehow Gui kept me coming and kept me from killing either of us. And when the month was over, I knew I wanted to keep going.
At the end of December we left the pool (I still miss it some days) and started working out "upstairs" (LTF is two stories and the exercise equipment is all upstairs, which was an issue for me also, as I didn't do stairs at that point so the elevator was my only choice).
To say we started out slow would be an understatement. I look back now and can't believe how little I could do (which is saying a lot since I don't feel now I keep up very well). But again, I was never made to feel any less than anyone else in the gym. And if anything Gui went out of his way to keep me motivated, even between sessions. Whether it was a surprise visit while I was slugging along swearing at the treadmill, or an email reminding me I could do it, he always seemed to show up when I was ready to quit (at times it was a little eerie how he knew) and kept me on track. He still does!
The first month upstairs was really hard, my weight had plateaued, my balance was horrible, my frustration with myself was over the top and I had no intent of continuing another month. But then we hit the day that made me realize this could really change my life, the day I regained something I thought was gone for good!
This is going to sound so stupid to someone who has never been disabled, but we spent one entire session teaching me how to walk up and down stairs. I felt so dumb at the time, I felt like I was wasting his time and skills, I felt like everyone was watching the cripple on the stairs, I felt frustrated and angry at 39 years old I was having to learn how to do such a simple task. But for as hard as that day was, and as dumb as I felt it was also the the day that I got my life back. That day Gui's persistence and patience gave me what I needed more than anything, a victory that changed my world and set the clock back 14 years.
No weight we have lifted, no machine we have used has taken more for me to do physically and mentally than climbing up and down those stairs for 45 minutes. But at the end of it I had found things I cant put value on. I had my freedom to go anywhere without having to fear if there was an elevator or not, I had found an immense amount of confidence in what my body could do when pushed, and more importantly I knew that the promises Gui had made to me in that first meeting to help me slay my dragons were more than sales talk and that I truly found the lifeline I had been looking for for 14 years. Someone who could help me get back some of what I had been robbed of.
I am now a little over three months into this these workouts. Working out with Gui has not gotten any physically easier (he tells me it never will) and I can't lift 100 lbs, or get low enough in a squat or figure out lunges. But it is now something I look forward to and miss on off days and more importantly something I see immense value in now. I have made great progress and have a body now that I trust most days. I have gained the balance and strength to start wearing (small) heels to work, I can walk the length of the airport terminal at MSP without being out of breath or in pain, I no long cower away from going out with friends because I wont be able to keep up and I don't cringe if it is raining or snowing out because I fear walking on a slippery surface.
It sounds so cliche to say meeting someone has changed your life, but I can't think of much else I can say that explains the difference finding the RIGHT trainer has done for me. It would be easy to debate if I had been paired with another trainer would I have had the same outcome, Gui would probably say yes, I would probably say I don't think so. Either way, I am really glad I didn't have to find out!
In preparing my post for Saturday, about my experience working with Gui, I felt I was missing an important segway between why I wouldn't work with a trainer and how I ended up working with a trainer. I need to share a lesson I learned as a consultant for the last 7 years which I think is as important (if not more) when picking a trainer, than it is when my clients are hiring me.
To be successful at finding a trainer, the reality you have to go into the process with is that not every trainer is going to fit for everyone. You can have the best trainer in the world skills wise, they can be famous and work with the stars, but if you don't click with them personality wise then it will never work.
I have multiple friends who have met with a trainer and didn't mesh, but instead of realizing this is about a relationship, they gave up on having a trainer. As Mary Kay points out to me just about every time we talk about trainers, this is a very personal relationship you are embarking on. If you spend any time working with the same trainer they are going to know more about you than some of your closest friends or your family, especially about your insecurities and your feelings on your body and your life. If you don't have a level of comfort with the person you are working with you will never see the benefits of the training.
Needing to change trainers or trying a couple before picking one does not make you a bad client, it doesn't make them a bad trainer.
I consider myself very lucky in that I found a trainer on the first try who fit well for me, but I know it could have just as easily gone the other way...
I try to be an open minded person, I try to not prejudge people and situations before I experience them, but I have to admit when it came to the idea of working with a personal trainer, I was neither open minded or ready for what I found. Despite Mary Kay's great results with Roland I still didn't feel this was something I wanted, needed or was ready to invest in.
I am 5-6 pants sizes smaller than I was when I started, I am 4 shirt sizes smaller than when I started. Everything is easier, I fit in everything better (my car, a plane, passing people in the hall). Logically I KNOW I have made a major accomplishment losing 62 pounds. But I just can't get my brain to absorb it. I knew it would take time, but it is starting to frustrate me. Why can't I get it?
Why when I watch an infomercial or see a magazine article and see someone lost 60 pounds do I still feel jealous and impressed at them, but I can't feel that for myself? Why when I go to buy a chair or something do I still stop myself when it says the maxium weight is 300 lbs? Why when I tell someone my weight do I still start with 3 and have to stop myself?
I know it takes time, but I want to enjoy this journey, I want to be able to enjoy the milestones but I'm not, because I am not feeling them. Saturday I will get on the scale and very well may see a milestone number...275...yet I know from every other milestone I have reached, it wont make me happy like it should. Because I can't own this yet no matter how hard I try. Why can't I?
Gui asks me every time I lose...where do you feel you lost that? Do your clothes feel any different? I frustrate him when I say I don't know, or not really. But what no one realizes is that answer frustrates me more than anyone. Logically I know I am buying smaller sizes over and over again, but I don't FEEL any different on the inside.
I never understood why when I watch programs like "What not to wear" and they had someone on who had lost a lot of weight, how that person could not see how different they looked now and be excited about it. I get it now, and quite frankly...I hate it!!!!!!!
My first step in change was finding somewhere to work out. I had done the treadmill at home thing years ago when I lived in Pennsylvania, and I knew it wouldn't work. It would quickly become an extension of my closet. I needed to be doing something more formal. But like many of my friends, the thought of working out in a group environment was terrifying, I had visions of me surrounded by all the "pretty people" while sweating like a pg through a hour of treadmill while they all stared at the fat girl pretending to workout. It was intimidating and threatening and on top of that also carried a lot of emotional baggage me.
This was definitely one of those changes in life that I had to settle up with the past before I could move forward. *deep breath* This is a story I have only shared with one other person in my lifetime, my trainer, but as I was thinking about this post I realized I wouldn't be keeping to my mission if this wasn't included in this post, so here goes.
I am 39, the last time I seriously worked out (other than swimming/water aerobics and a very short stent of trying a Y in NY) with someone else watching was 26 years ago. I was 13, I weighed 185 pounds and I hated being a fat teen. For those of you who great up in the 80's you will recall this was the "Jane Fonda days" and my friend Lynn and I had full embraced it, leg warmers, headbands and all. I wasn't very good at it but I was trying. I don't recall why my dad was home on that specific day but he was, parked in his normal chair in the living room, and I had the tape in the VCR trying to slug my way through Jane telling me to "feel the burn". My father was not a kind man in any way but often he would at least shut his mouth, this day he decided otherwise. As I was trying to work out he decided to point out how fat I was and that I was making the whole house shake by jumping up and down in it and how ridiculous I looked. I was done. I never turned the tape on again, I never went to another group aerobics class and I never walked into a health club again. And until this past week every time I worked out I would feel his looks and his comments as if it was 1983 all over again.
I have spent a lot of my adult life coming to terms with and over coming scars my father left on me, and as part of my weight loss journey I needed to deal with this one head on.
After trying unsuccessfully to find a friend locally willing to be my workout partner I decided to go it alone and join one of the clubs near my house. I really wanted a pool and water aerobics so my choices were rather limited and Lifetime Fitness was the only one that also fit my other criteria of having clubs around the country for when I travelled.
The other thing I was looking for was to join a large club. That might sound weird, more people looking at me, but I saw it just the opposite, I wanted there to be so many people i could be invisible and get lost in the crowd. I'd only learn later how impossible that was going to be.
My expectations going into the first meeting with the membership advisor, Lance, were pretty low. Lifetime has a pretty strong reputation for being high pressure sales and rather pricey. I went as far as stating those concerns in my email to set up the meeting. And I think it helped. Lance handled me with kid gloves and I appreciated that. He was there to make a sale, I get that, but he kept the tone light and that made it easier.
When I went on the first tour I knew this was the right place. There was something about the energy in the Eagan Lifetime Fitness club that drew me in. The first thing I noticed as we walked around was it wasn't all just "pretty people". Both the staff and the members looked really normal, all different body types, all different sizes, all different physical abilities. The other thing I noticed was how friendly EVERYONE was. This has been the biggest shocker to me, whether you are in the locker room or working out or in the pool or simply walking out the front door after working out, everyone speaks to each other, everyone smiles and it doesn't feel like a hostile environment. Members who don't even know each other are genuinely supportive of each other, and it is just a fun place to be.
Did any of that changed my paranoia about others watch me working out, heck no, but how I got past that will have to come in a few posts. But it did get me in the door, it got me to start working out (I started out with water aerobics) and it kept me coming back. And that alone was a huge hurdle.
I don't want to close this post making it sound like I think Lifetime is the answer for everyone. One of the things I am learning as I experience more LTF clubs around the country is that their culture is very unique. I have been to one in San Antonio which was every stereotype I had imagined before I joined Eagan and I would never set foot in again. I have been to one in North Carolina which was huge, and fancy (far beyond Eagan) but where there was a warmth similar to Eagan's.
My friend Lisa said it best yesterday on her Facebook status..."I desperately want to understand". She got lots of comments about just accepting and so on, but sometimes that is so hard to do. Life is much easier to handle when you can make sense of things, I can't today.
I just got back from working out with Gui. It was a much better workout then on Monday. My body actually decided to show up and participate today, and he seemed to be pushing it as far as he could (which is good, although I kept growling at him the whole way through it). We did heavy weight (which I like) and a whole lot of lunges (which I don't like, but know are good for me). So today my body makes sense, but what doesn't is food and the scale.
I have already admitted, food and I struggle. I have been going through a period lately where I am not hungry and I have to really work to get in the calories I am supposed to each day. It is hard for most people to understand, but I am coming to learn that I really don't like food, it does nothing for me. I know a lot of people who eat because it makes them feel better, but that just isn't me. I would be just as content if I could run on batteries and didn't have to eat. And sometimes it is harder than others, and right now is one of those times. Yesterday I got in 75% of the calories I was supposed to, and that took a lot of effort.
It's pretty easy to figure out you want to do something, it is a lot harder to come up with the plan to do it!
Once I decided it was time to act on my weight I felt very trapped on what to do. And it took me from May when I talked to my doctor about the decision to do something until early November to come up with my path.
I have many friends who have opted for surgery as the solution to obesity, and it is something I seriously considered and talked to my physician about (we went as far as her providing a referral even). But I never really found comfort for me with that option. While my friends have been very successful with it and lost a lot of weight very quickly, I have watched them all struggle with the weight coming back, with side effects from eating too much or the wrong thing and with trying to still make the lifestyle changes that long lasting weight loss takes. On top of that surgery for me, after all I went through and with PTC and then the nerve damage, is scarier than weighing 338 pounds.
I hope when I make this next comment my friends who have had the surgery don't take it as a judgement against them, I am saying this JUST for how I feel about me, not about others and the choice they make. But in my heart of hearts I also felt surgery was a cop out for me. It was looking for a quick solution to not having to do the real work I needed to. While I understand surgery is what many people need, I could never wrap my mind fully around what the surgery was doing on a biological level. It seemed to me the changes the surgery was making was forcing better behavior and changes. And if I could genuinely make those changes without the surgery I should get to the same result. And if I couldn't make those changes then the surgery could ultimately be fatal. But I knew the way I was leaning was going to be much longer and harder than the surgical path.
I have never taken the easy path because it is easy, as my friend said when she chose my hebrew name (Lehava Ruth...which literally translates to flame and friend, but more typically means "stubborn friend") nothing I seriously undertake in my life do I do less than 1000%. And I knew if this was going to work for me in the long term, I had to come at this the same way, with hard work and perseverance.
I can't say when I made the choice I realized I knew this part, but looking back, there was also more I was after than weight loss. I wanted a body that worked, I wanted a body that was strong and in shape and that I controlled. And no surgery could give me that. I needed to do the hard work to get that.
Although I knew what I wanted to do, I can't say I found the faith on my own that I COULD do it. I said in an early post that things happen for a reason. I also believe that people come into our lives for a reason. If you haven't read the Celestine Prophecy it is worth a read, the premise is that people also KEEP coming into our life over and over until that purpose is fulfilled. Mary Kay is one of those people who has come in and out of my life and her purpose, I genuinely believe, was to start me down this road.
I met MK on a travel focused website a couple years ago. We became fast friends, but then due to our crazy lives we drifted apart. I dont remember MK being extraordinarily heavy when I first met her, but she was actually around my size I have since learned. So it was incredibly shocking when last year I saw a picture of her at a Delta Airlines event and she looked HOT!!!!! I had to reach back out to her and find out what had happened. She shared her story with me, she had come to a cross roads, she had found the right trainer, she had changed her lifestyle and she lost over 100 pounds. Beyond the weight loss she had found her life again. She was out doing and having fun and was happy, something the MK I had previously known had struggled with. She also helped me see that living a life where you travel a ton for work does not have to prevent you from winning this battle.
Talking to MK to me sealed the deal, this could be done the hard way and the outcome of doing it this way could lead to much more than just a lower number on the scale. I knew my plan.
I am now 3 months down the road, and I can't say I haven't wondered often if I made the right choice. Surgery some days still seems like it would have been faster, easier, faster, cheaper, faster and oh yeah faster. But I don't regret my decision. I have gained so much more in these 3 months than the weight I have lost. And I really believe this is something I will fight harder to maintiain longer because I am doing the work and I don't ever want to have to do this work again.
It would make a great story if I could say I went to Jerusalem and had an epiphany and came back ready to change my life overnight. Well, I did go to Israel, twice last year as a matter of fact. And it did help me to see it was time to change, but the realization came slowly and not in a burning bush or a clap of thunder. The decision to make a change came over a period of about 3 months and the impetus to act on that decision took another 5.
I came into 2009 in the poorest physical condition of my life. Merely walking was a challenge, not just because of my leg but more so my weight. I was barely able to walk to the car, to the mailbox, from one gate to another at an airport without being out of breath, without having to stop to rest. I was withdrawing more and more from any activities that took exertion and in turn from much I enjoyed in life.
So when life presented me a moment I couldnt pass up, an impromptu trip to Israel in February I didn't go easily. There was a great irony in planning for the trip. Everyone around me was telling me not to go because they feared for my safety. At that time Israel was deeply embroiled in "Operation Cast Lead", a war with Hamas in the Gaza strip, and our trip was purposely planned to put us in southern Israel across the border from Gaza, in towns like Sderot where the missles were falling daily. I did hesitate to go, but not because of bombs or war, but because i didn't know if I could handle the trip. Could I do the walking? Could I keep up? Would I be the one the group was lagging because of.
I went on the trip. It was the trip of a lifetime, it changed me in so many ways. But the whole thing was a struggle. Every time we got off the bus I struggled with the stairs, when we would walk from place to place I would have a hard time keeping up. When we went to the kibbutz and the walking was hills and uneven I can't remember much of what was said, because I was internally panicking over how would I get from place to place.
But for the difficult of all the physical, nothing was more upsetting on the trip than all the photos that were taken. Since I was traveling with a very small group, who quickly bonded over a situation most never face, there were many pictures. And every time I cringed. When I saw myself in these photos I was revolted. As, I stood on a playground in Nitzan and vowed to myself it was time to change, though I wasn't sure how.
One of the tools we use with our clients is the "Gartner Hype Cycle". This diagram is an analytical approach to the emotions related to any change. Whether that change is a marriage, a new technology, implementing a database or changing your lifestyle, there is a predictable and often repeating set of emotions people go through. The two major components of the hype cycle are the "Peak of Inflated Expectations" during which we feel anything is possible and we dream big and shut out the realities of achieving the goal, and the "Trough of Disillusionment", the moments where we realize how hard the road is and we doubt our ability to complete the journey.
These reactions are normal and inevitable, but what we can control is how high we let ourselves get on the peak and how deep we get in the trough. Yesterday I was high on the peak as one could get, today I fell hard into the trough. And the hardest part of being in the trough today is I don't know how I got there.
There is a lot I don't understand about my body and the nerve damage, but the most confusing for me is how it seems to change day to day. It logically makes no sense, nerve functionality does not change from day to day. But for the last 14 years I have seen over and over again how some days my body cooperates, when I call on a muscle it works as it should, my coordination and balance are good and I can get by pretty easily. Then there are days like today, when every muscle requires thought to control, where my balance fails me and I feel like I am filled with cement. I hate these days!
I knew when I got up this morning it was one of those days, my walking was not quite as good as it has been lately, my hand was not holding things as well as it had been and I just didn't have that "bounce in my step" that friends have observed the last couple months. I tried to put it off on being sore from working out yesterday. As soon as I stepped on the treadmill at the gym I knew better!
In my "past life" on days like today I would have cancelled my work out with Gui and would have stayed home and limited my walking and more importantly interactions with others. Some changes aren't so good I guess. Because I went and worked out and now feel worse than where I started. Not only did I fight my body the whole time just to do simple exercises that I should be able to easily do, but was also miserable to be around doing it.
I have to give my trainer credit, he doesn't let me quit when I get in that spot and he tries harder than he should have to make me smile and laugh, which I am very grateful for, but it still leaves me feeling guilty. I hate pulling other people into my trough. It's why I get quiet, it's why I hide inside myself (or have my over compensating reaction like I had tonight at a class I attend...joking, smiling, pretending its all great while counting the minutes until I can escape and be alone). I hate to take it out on the innocent people around me, especially those I care about. It only makes it worse. And it scares me. I have driven people who matter away before when I got stuck in the trough, and I worry about ending up on this journey alone because I drive those trying to help me away when I get to this place.
I try so hard to be ok with the cards I have been dealt, I still believe what I said before, everything happens for a reason and I wouldn't trade where I have been. But despite that there are days like today where I have to admit I hate my body, I hate the surgeon who did this to me and never suffered any repricussions of any kind and I hate how much this all controls me at times.
It’s funny the stupid things our brain retains…I can’t remember where I put my keys an hour ago, but I remember unimportant conversations a decade and a half later. Freud would probably say if it was unimportant we wouldn’t remember it, who knows.
I was thinking this morning about a conversation sitting in the back seat of a friend’s SUV riding to High Holiday services, in 1997 or 1998. I had had a hard time getting into the vehicle and commented I should have gotten in on the other side. My friend’s husband was confused by my comment and retorted with “Pam the car is the same on both sides”, Deb knowing my limitations chimed in “Yeah but Pam isn’t”. I don’t why that conversation has stuck with me all these years later, but it has. It was one of the first times I realized I was living a double life.
I have spent most of the last 14 years split in half. Between the left side of my body and the right, between the appearance I put out for the world and how I feel inside my own skin. Between growing my mental abilities and my masking my physical limitations.
Over the last 14 years I have carved out a wonderful life for myself, and I know that. I have a job I love and am very good at, a beautiful home, good friends. For where I came from after PTC anyone looking in from the outside would think I am living a dream. And in many ways I am. Beyond my physical life I have it all. But every step of that dream has been tempered by the limitations of my body and the limitations my mind created because of my fears of my body.
It’s only as I have worked through the last three months that I began to wonder how different the path could have been if the initial approach to the nerve damage, both mine and those treating me, had been different.
Part of life with PTC for me was financial ruin. For reasons far beyond the scope of this blog when I got sick in 1991 I learned that the insurance my father had lead me to believe I had was not a reality and I would face the battle of a chronic illness without coverage. The sicker I got the farther behind I got on bills and my credit. By the time the nerve damage occurred in 1996 I was broke, my credit was shot and I was living on permanent disability and my healthcare was covered by Medicare.
I want to be very clear before I continue, I had some wonderful doctors in Syracuse NY. My neurologist in particular never once gave me anything less than STELLAR treatment because of my finances, and often wrote off many treatments. But when it came to hospitalizations and more so the physical therapy (PT) approach after the nerve damage, I definitely feel that I fell victim to being on government insurance.
The approach that the PT folks took was to get me to walking and using my hand as best I could in the shortest time they could and to tell me to learn to accept my life as it was. I went from paralyzed, to using a walker, to using crutches to a cane. And then was left to figure out the rest on my own. There was never really a push to see what we could get back, there was never really any push to figure out the limits of my abilities. Was that my fault or theirs? Both I guess. But it is something I am coming to regret. As I see now the changes the last 3 months have brought I find myself getting stuck in what could have been if only. I live with few regrets in my life, but wasting the last 14 years hiding behind my physical inabilities is fast becoming one. I try not to let the thoughts creep in but they do.
Life with only feeling one side of my body and severe drop foot (inability to pull up my right foot) has been a vicious circle when it comes to my weight. The difficulty in walking and using my leg lead to me doing as little exercise and physical exertion as possible which helped me pack on the pounds, and the more pounds I packed on the harder it became to walk and exercise. From 1996 to 2009 I went from 212 pounds to 338 pounds. And had I not made a decision to change it 8 months ago I am guessing that number would be upwards of 350 pounds by now, as in the last couple years it was going up faster than before.
Obviously after 39 years it was time for a change...
