Really????????

I am really glad this week is almost over, it hasn't been the week I had hoped for. Started out at the conference and was so excited about going, was hoping for some "wow moments" from people I haven't seen in a year. In the end not one person seemed to notice or mention it who didn't know I was on this journey. It seems very unreal to me that 80 pounds is that unnoticeable, but also just has me wondering if what I thought I was seeing in the mirror is really more than has really changed. I feel like I had just gotten to where I was trusting that what I was seeing was really happening, and now not sure what I think.

Then I came back and found out yes I had been correct (see my post from last weekend) and the scale at the club was wrong, and I have gained 6 lbs, not lost 5 like the scale claimed. This is my largest weight gain since starting with the trainer in November, and I have to admit it is frustrating. I really wanted to be below 250 by May 26th (the one year mark from when the 338 pound reading was taken that I am using as my base) and that isn't going to happen now, I am back over 260 as a matter of fact.

Because of the weight gain, and the length of time it has been since the last test, Gui had me schedule another Calorie Point test for this morning. I mentioned this test in a previous post, but simply put it is a measurement of the calories your body burns at rest. Because this number can change as you lose weight it is repeated periodically to adjust caloric intake. The last time we did the test (March) the results showed I needed around 1400 calories just to function (which meant my diet was set around 1200 so I would lose weight). And for me getting that number of calories in was a struggle.

Today's results were crushing to me, I now need nearly 2500 calories. Don't get me wrong, this is great news from a physiological point of view, my metabolism is increasing. But it means eating what to me is a massive amount of calories. I met with the nutritionist and she laid out a high (2235), medium (1917) and low (1453) calorie rotation plan. But for me that low is normally my high end, I can't even imagine 2235 HEALTHY calories a day.

The nutritionist kept asking "do you think you can do this" and I felt like I had to say yes. Not because of any pressure she was putting me under, but because what choice do I have? I can do it or keep gaining weight, which is not a choice I am ok with. But I just sit here looking at these pieces of paper and can't even figure out how I can break this down into the meals and snacks I need it to be and get all this in...it is SO much food.

I am sure most people reading are wishing they had this problem, trying to eat more. But for me this feels like the cruelest joke the world could play at this moment. I was barely getting to my 1200 on most days and that was a struggle. Now I need to nearly double that.

I am sure I will get this figured out given time, I did when I had to double from 600 to 1200, but at this moment I just feel overwhelmed and want to retreat from it all!