Sunday, May 16, 2010

Going from Black and White to life in full color............

"This is for all you girls about forty-two,
Tossing pennies into the Fountain of Youth
Every laugh, laugh line on your face,
Made you who you are today...

This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls,

Who love without holding back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world,
This one's for the girls"

Martina McBride

I was so ill prepared for the journey I am on. I had no clue what this would mean to my life. I thought I would lose weight and just have the same exact life, only thinner. I was in no way prepared for the evolution in myself I am experiencing. And I don't think at all that evolution is a bad thing, just not something I had anticipated.

I have spent most of my life trying to blend in and hide. That is going to sound odd to those that know me. I am hardly a "shrinking violet" when it comes to my thoughts and opinions once I know someone and am in a one on one or small group situation. But when I am in larger groups, especially of strangers, I have always tried to be invisible. I can fake for work and required social events being out going, but it is a lot of work for me to do that, and I come out of it exhausted. I by nature am an Introvert (ISTJ for those who know the Myers-Briggs scale). I have always known that about myself.

What I didn't realize was how far I went. subconsciously, in trying to use my clothing to make myself invisible too. Whether it was dressing in neutrals, clothing without great detail or just hiding in oversized, shapeless clothes. What I used to think was classy or professional I am now realizing was just PLAIN and easy to blend in with.

I didn't realize this about myself til that part of me started to slip away in the last couple months. As more and more clothing options have opened up to me I am finding that I hate how I used to dress. It had no personality and certainly doesn't match my inner spark. Slowly I am seeing more and more color come into my wardrobe and yesterday while out shopping with a friend I found myself trying on things and thinking, that is just too boring.  I even found myself excited to have pictures taken in outfits I bought and to be seen this week at the conference I am going to. I bought colors, I bought patterns, I looked for clothes that fit tighter and showed that I have a waistline finally and I bought things (especially shoes) that I would just consider "showier".

It would be easy to just chalk this all up to weight loss, but lets face it, despite having lost 80 plus pounds, I am still over 250 lbs, I am still considered morbidly obese. I am far far from thin. And while yes 80 lbs is amazing, for someone new meeting me, they have no clue how I used to look and all they judge on is the current, still fat, package. So there has to be more to the change than just the weight.

Personally I think it is just a pride in yourself that you build over this journey. It is impossible to go through this change and not develop a better, healthier sense of self. Losing this weight has been tougher than any job I have ever had, any project I have ever undertaken, but I have done it. And while a stranger meeting me may not know that, I do and I think THAT is where the not wanting to be invisible comes from. I know that I have done what few can do and am ready to show that off to the world. And am also ready to say they can either like what they see or screw them (sorry, my east coast attitude slips in once in a while also *smile*).

I can say without doubt this is the first year in the 7 I have been going to Insight (annual software user group for our market) that I am not trying to figure out how to stand so I am not seen, to dress so I blend in and not wanting to disappear. I am packing the hot pink clutch purse (Coach, girls, Coach), the showy sandals and a great outfit I bought yesterday (more on this after the conference when I have pictures) and I am wearing them with pride!

Now, off to do the first thing I need to change, no more bland taupe nail polish!!!!! I bought some great colors yesterday and I need to take off this blah I had put on yesterday during my manicure!!!! I had her put this on (OPI..Charmed by a Snake) because it seemed the professional, blend in well thing to do, but screw that! There is color in the world and I am not apologizing for wearing it!!!!

PS. Yes the shoes in the picture are ones I bought yesterday!!!!


  1. Work it! Own it! Love it! oxox

  2. No longer charmed by the snake of invisibility, she steps onto center stage in full living color because she is so NOT taupe.

    The cheering crowd stands and shouts "BRAVO!".