Questioning what I think I see...

This is going to be another one of those posts that probably doesn't make a lot of sense. I am struggling to articulate something I am feeling and decided just to start writing and see where it goes.

There are a lot of days on this journey where I flip between feeling like a fraud to the world (when will someone nab me for buying a size 14 dress, that cant be right) and worrying I am kidding myself (am I buying things that are too disgustingly tight just to get to that size). Does what I see in the mirror really look the same to the rest of the world?

Anyone who has read more than I couple of my posts knows without a doubt I deal with a lot of body image issues, and today it seems worse than it has been lately, my guess is this is linked to trying to avoid the scale, without that number to reinforce me I am using the mirror. But the problem is I dont trust what I see. I don't trust my own perception of myself.

I find myself more and more lately watching commercials for weight loss and such and trying to compare myself to others who are around my weight to decide if I look acceptable yet, based on how people around my weight look to me. Looking at friends who weight more or less and doing the same. The problem is that 10 people who all weigh the same can look so completely different. I find myself at the gym trying to figure who I look the most like body wise and wondering if I asked others to do the same who they would say I look like.

Its funny though, because I have gone from worrying I would pick someone too heavy as who I compare with, to worrying I am picking someone who weighs far less than I do as my comparison. It worries me because I didn't really see how disgustingly fat I was getting when I was headed for 300 lbs and beyond, that I am now thinking I look better than I do. I am well aware that 245 is still considered morbidly obese, I dont delude myself on that, but when I look in the mirror and actually think something looks good I am worried I am just in denial again. That it is easy to think "wow I have lost 100 lbs I must look great"  and forget that when you are start at 338 lbs, even losing 100 lbs you are still left at at place that is far from healthy or good looking.

I wonder some days if I will ever trust what I see in the mirror or the comments others make about my appearance, of if this one of the side effects of "brain fat" you live with forever.