Friday, July 2, 2010

So, how did that work out for you?

Experience is the hardest teacher-you get the test first and the lessons later.

The last two weeks have been one of the most humbling periods of my life. In some ways my strongest core beliefs have been changed, and I am still trying to figure out what it all means and how to integrate the lessons I was forced to learn into who I am, as my head and heart are still doing tug of war over this.

Multiple times I have shared in this blog my central belief that having anyone in your life because you NEED them there is not only dangerous but wrong. I have spent 40 years trying to prove to myself and the world that I can handle anything on my own, that I am tougher than life and others are optional. Heck one of the first phrases I learned to say as a child was "I do it self" and that phrase seems to have charted my life to this point.

Heck even when fighting PTC I was out there leading the charge on my care and doing the medical research to find my answer. On some level maybe it is a control thing, but more than anything it is a protective thing centered around two beliefs....

            1. No one will look out for me as hard as I will, that everyone has alterior motives
               and  only I can know what is best for me, and
            2. Letting anyone else be needed is too great a risk in case they go away.

It blows my mind after living through sexual abuse, an abusive home, having a full time job and supporting myself since age 13, putting myself through college, fighting through 8 years of a rare chronic illness, running my own business and moving alone 1/2 way across the country on my own, that losing weight would be the thing that challenges those beliefs. That this would be the mountain I learn I can't conquer alone floors me.

Ok now comes the egg on my face part....which sometimes is the only way to teach me something it seems.

I have said numerous times how grateful I am to have Gui, that this was definitely one of those people in the "right place at the right time" in my life. I have also made no secret that as good as he can be for me, that our styles often lead to this being a VERY difficult relationship for me, and I know I am no picnic for him either. And quite honestly I have considered running from the situation many many times, and lately with a great frequency. 

But I am learning lately that maybe that drama is less about him and I am
and more about battles like my need to have all the answers and handle it all. That the closer I have gotten to not being able to handle this on my own the more I have found reasons to push him away (and it seems from our talk yesterday I am pretty successful at pushing others hard enough they are ready to bail on me also when I get like this). 

A little over two weeks ago Gui sat me down and tried very hard to tell me I had pulled back from talking to him, that I was in over my head trying to handle this all alone and that I was in trouble emotionally with all this and that he wanted to help but I needed to let him back in . That was INCREDIBLY frightening for me. That was someone getting way too close for me. Not to mention it brought up every feeling of insecurity and not being worthy of his help I had in me. My reaction...I panicked!

For reasons I dont want to get into here, it is worth saying there had been a possibility for about 6 weeks before this that I would need to find a new trainer and that hit me really hard. I had started preparing myself for going it alone without TB and that definitely played a role in me pulling back into my self reliant mold. Anyway, so when the conversation about letting him back in happened only days after finding out he was staying, I still wasn't over my beliefs that I HAD to do this myself and I panicked at his offer to help. Instead of being grateful and allowing the help I knew I needed, I shot him down in no uncertain terms. Told him it wasnt his job to do any more than my workouts, that the rest of my life was my problem and I would deal with it. Nice huh? Not my finest moment, although classic Pam for anyone who has known me a while.

Here I was a total mess, having someone offer the lifeline I desperately needed and what did I do, launch a flaming war head at the rescue boat. Go Pam *rolling eyes*. And unfortunately for me (or maybe fortunately as I am slowly seeing) TB decided to allow me the rope to strangle myself and I did it pretty quickly. He kept to exactly what I had said, and it became my problem except for what was going on in the gym.

The short outcome, I failed MISERABLY. Within days I realized I can't do this alone and 2 weeks into it I basically had decided I either needed to let people help, specifically my trainer, or I cant continue this journey. It is not a lesson I was ready for but one I am trying to internalize.

This sounds so dumb to say, but I don't know how to let people help. As much as I don't want to have to have all the answers and be in charge,  I don't know how to not over think and search for the answer myself. I don't know to trust and believe that I wont get screwed over in the end for trusting someone else to have my best interest at heart, even when they have shown me over and over how committed they are to making me the best person I can be, in numerous ways.

I can hear TB now saying you don't do anything and you just let it happen, but I am not even sure to be just "be" without feeling I have to do or control. This is such new territory for me, and it is definitely some of the scariest part of this journey yet.

1 comment:

  1. Well said about the difficulty in letting someone help. Think about this too -- we're paying to have someone help us because of their expertise and it is still difficult to accept. My kindergarten teacher wrote in my progress report that I solve problems "in a quiet self-sufficient way." But it's not working any more . . . Sue