Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Caught between doing what is right and what feels right....

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, its been kinda crazy schedule wise. First a quick catch up...

I spent last week in Alaska, it was AMAZING! While the purpose was a business trip I was able to talk a friend into tagging along and that made it a lot more fun. We actually stayed through the weekend and got to do some great sightseeing. Throughout the trip we got to do a decent amount of bonding with nature, including hiking on a mountain, freezing our butts off in the pouring rain and wind to see glaciers and icebergs (which btw make a pretty good margarita) and even found a moose on the side of the road at 11:30pm. Food wise it was a good trip, we made the committment at the beginning that none of our meals would be fast food or chain...and we succeeded. We ate LOTS of fresh snow crab, some halibut and even tried a reindeer hot dog.

It was one of the most fun vacations I have taken in a long time. But I have to admit by the end I was ready to be back to my creature comforts...I have become a lot more "Sex in the City" these days than I am "Northern Exposure". But I am proud of myself for having tried a lot of things I would never have even thought of 6 months ago....hiking on a mountain, climbing a fence to have my picture taken, crawling into a stream and over the rocks, hiking up an abandoned gold mine (and using the toliet there *grin*), and standing on the top open deck of a catamaran in the rain and wind. It reminds me yet again how far I have come with my leg.

This upcoming weekend is the ACS Relay for Life. I am so excited not only to do the event, but because three of the four people on the planet who I know love me without a doubt and 100% just as I am, and have for a very long time are flying in for the weekend (sorry you cant be here April btw..and you are the 4th btw). This means more to me than I can put into words. I will never forget when Donna told me she was coming, I asked her "really?"...it was a feeling of disbelief that these people would take time and spend money to come do this with me. And how am I repaying them...Gui will be kicking their butts on Saturday *smile*.

It is going to be a great weekend, beyond the Relay we are having a party Saturday night with a lot of my local dear friends, we are working out, we are heading to the Mall of America and probably getting very little sleep. Considering it is the first time two of three have been to my home since we were in High School I am very excited.

Life is good, which makes where I am at today even more frustrating for me. I am at a really low place with my body and food. How I got here is a long story (another post another time) but in short a week ago we stopped my nearly no carb way of eating again, and are trying to go back to better balance. I KNOW this is the right thing biologically, I know the body can no survive on protein only. I logically know all this. But logic is where me being ok with it ends.

I am struggling over the impact on my body. My body does not react well to carbs. I have a tendency to retain fluid badly when I eat them. And during the few weeks I had all but eliminated them I was down a lot of weight, I felt great and I had a lot of energy. Now, I feel bloated, fat, ugly...my weight is up (although havent been on the scale I know that even if y weight is the same or down, it is not so around my abdomen...nothing fits right and all my clothes look like crap. I look pregnant! WHICH I AM NOT btw).

I had done ok dealing wtih this, although I wasnt happy about it, until last night, when I looked at my pictures from Alaska. As I placed one from a business meeting against one from a few weeks ago, I was mortified. The one from two days ago looks more like a before than the one a couple weeks ago.

I am moving backwards. And I hate it. I think it is made even harder by the fact that I was getting SO close to my 100 lb lost mark, which I had really wanted to make by this weekend (and probably would have had we not made the switch).

I feel stuck between my brain and my emotions. I KNOW the more balanced meal is the right answer. I KNOW the cutting carbs out is dieting not a lifestyle change. I KNOW it is unhealthy and I KNOW there is more to this than the number on the scale. But it is so hard to not fall back to where I want to be, the numbers on the scale dropping faster, the clothes looking good, feeling better and having more energy.

The net result since last night. I am fighting again to eat. After a great week of eating and balance I am back months and months to barely being able to swallow food (breakfast didnt stay down even this morning). I also feel repulsed by my body in a way I haven't in probably a decade (worse than anything I have felt since I started training 8 months ago). I got dressed this afternoon for an event I have to go to tonight and even found myself digging back into the last batch of big oversized clothes that haven't made it to the charity group yet just for clothes to hide in tonight (I didnt let myself do it in the end, I am forcing myself to wear a skirt and something that is more correct sized, but I have to admit I feel like I look like crap in it, even though it was an outfit I loved a week ago).

It's frustrating because I know I have to just sludge through this and get myself to the other side, that no one can do anything about it, and I need to just get past it, but it isnt making today any easier.


  1. I wish I had a way to make things easier for you, just know I am here.

    Love ya girl!

  2. I probably won't help as much as Kaye above, but FWIW, I think the biggest difference in the pictures above isn't your carbs... it's the dress. Try on the black/white from a few weeks ago, hold your chin up & take another picture.

    It's time to quit buying what fits or even what looks good and add the criteria of what you look good wearing!

    I'm no fashion expert, but looking at these two pictures:
    The "V" neckline is much more flattering;
    Sleeves that cover the top of your arms look better than sleeveless or a cap sleeve (the blue dress looks tight across your arm - may not be, but it looks like it);
    The print on the black/white creates / emphasises your waist much more than the blue's vertical pattern.

    As I said, I'm no fashion expert so feel free to ignore most of the above. But seriously consider adding a fashion consultant, friend with a good sense of style, or favorite salesperson in one of the stores where you shop to the list of "experts" who are helping you through the weight loss.

  3. I wish I could agree and put it on the dress...but the blue dress DID look good when I bought it a couple weeks ago. And sadly I get to see the undressed version and know the last two weeks havent improved the view. I did try on the black and white dress (and even took a picture) last night, as someone else suggested that also, and not as good as before. Oh well, it is what it is, doing my best today to not dwell on this and focus more on the other good going on this weekend.

  4. Please define carbs. If you're talking bread and or pasta ... maybe you are sensitive to yeast and or gluten. I am to both and yes they bloat me and drain me of energy.