Saturday, July 24, 2010

Forward...Regardless...Relentless...that is easier said than done.....but today I did it.....

This has been the most insane
rollercoaster of a week. I have gone from the incredible highs of my friends visiting and the ACS relay, to depths I can't even explain over learning Gui will be taking a job in Colorado and leaving. I need to catch up the blog on all of that, but tonight I just need to celebrate, so please forgive me if this post is a little out of sync with some catching up in the next couple days. Tonight its all about ME and crossing a bridge I never thought I would get to...

I still remember the last pair of jeans I bought in a "regular" store. I was 13, the store was Jamesway in Hudson NY and it was a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans. I had to buy them in the women's section and it was the biggest size they had. My best friend in school Lynn was with me. That was 1983!!!! It is such a dumb thing to remember, but I do. Because until today it was the last time I was truly normal when it comes to shopping.

Today I went back 27 years. I regained 27 years. I conquered all the pain and misery and feelings of inadequacy that I carried for those 27 years. Today for the first time in my adult life I put on a pair of jeans bought in a normal size, in a normal store.

It was something I never thought I would see happen again in my life, and quite frankly I still can't believe it is real. I made a friend take pictures today merely to make it concrete for me.
I needed proof for me, so that if I woke up tomorrow and it was all a dream I had something to look back at. I have a harder and harder time lately believing that all that has gone on in the last 8 months has been real. And I find myself fearing more and more that it will all disappear as fast as it has happened. I have a hard time grasping that I am within a couple pounds of my 100 lbs lost mark. And that it essentially has happened in 9 months. It seems surreal to me.

I also find it harder and harder to remember what life was like at 338 pounds. I wish I had taken more pictures, I wish I had video of me trying to function, I wish I had journaled how hard it was because I feel like I am losing that touch with where I came from. And I don't want to do that. I don't want to ever take for granted all the work it has taken to get here. To ever forget where I could easily go back to. I need to be reminded that that place still exists and the wrong dumb choices could send me back there. And I especially feel I need that reminder right now as I try to make decisions for my future that will dictate if I go back there or if I keep moving forward, regardless of changes going on.

I have a lot to decide and I don't want to face that, but for today I don't have to. Today is about celebrating normalcy and regaining a world I was never really part of...and looking good doing it!

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