Tuesday, June 8, 2010

A workout panic attack I did not see coming...

I was really looking forward to my workout today. Yesterday had to be scrapped due to a meeting that ran long at work and I feel like I haven't had a good workout in weeks (even though it has only been since Saturday). It is also the last time with the trainer I am going to get until next week (due to his schedule and mine) so it was something I really wanted and needed today. Which made my reaction getting ready to head to the gym today all the more shocking for me. While I have never had an official panic attack, I am guessing this came close.

Some of the back story so this makes sense. My normal club is Lifetime Fitness in Eagan, MN. This week the club is closed for some major renovations and we are working out at the LTF club in Lakeville (about 15 minutes away). I am not stranger to the Lakeville club. I swim there on a regular basis, I have worked out there alone before and did a yoga class there once. It is pretty much my back up club. So I had no angst knowing that was where we would be this week for my trainer time.

But somehow about an hour before I had to leave this wave of fear came over me. I felt all those fears I felt my first time training at Eagan. I changed my clothes multiple times trying to find shorts and a tshirt that covered my fat but didn't make me look like a cow. I worried the whole way down about looking like a fool there. About what my trainer had already said about me to the Lakeville trainers (he used to work there) and about just being seen as the fat girl in the gym. At Eagan the staff all knows where I came from, but at Lakeville know one knows that the totally uncoordinated obese woman on the treadmill is nearly 90 lbs lighter than she was a year ago. At my current weight of 252 I felt just as big and obvious as I did back in November at 311.

Even on the treadmill waiting for Gui I found myself sweating and uncomfortable and feeling like every set of eyes was on me. It was a terrible feeling and I still don't totally get where it was coming from.

The great irony to it all is that for some scheduling issues, my session with Gui never even happened. I went through all that without even getting the chance to get past it and just have the workout I needed....fate and irony are such wonderful things sometimes!!!!

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