Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Broadsided by caring from left field....

"Sent: Tuesday, June 08, 2010 4:30 PM
Subject: RE: Training schedule

Okay - thanks, John. I'll let you know ASAP tomorrow. The off-site facility is available no matter which of the two days we decide on so it's just a matter of availability for the people.

Also, will Pam be accompanying you? I know that the last time you were here we didn't accommodate her dietary needs so I want to make sure that we're able to do that for her, if possible."

This has not been a good week for me. As I said in my last post, my workouts have been totally messed up, I have been in a high stress situation with work and just not handling things well. I ripped apart Gui today for something that was really minor that I turned into a major rant (sorry again TB) and just have been all around miserable (both internally and to be around).

In full disclosure (brace yourself Gui) when I got on this flight I asked for a drink and the flight attendant even went and found me some chocolate when he saw how frayed I was. I only drank about 1/2 the drink and ate about a handful of M&M's, but I was just at the point of not caring. A place I get to to too much lately and am vowing to be done with.

What is going on with my mood would be way too long a story, but in short. I feel like a fraud the last 3 months, pretending I am ok with life and happy when in reality I have been at a pretty down place. While I have MANY things going on that make me momentarily happy, like shopping and cute shoes. At the same time I have been fighting a feeling of worthlessness stemming from some situations at work and letting other people's opinions rob me of my own self confidence (something I am also vowing to be done with, and also am hoping some changes at work in the last two weeks will solve). Having Hilary gone (congrats again on the baby btw) has also allowed those situations to get to me more than they should. She is always great at reminding me who I really am and blocking out the noise of others who are dragging me down, I miss her a lot.

I have let those feelings from coworkers rob me of my joy in my job, of my passion for my work and for also enjoying my workouts and being truly part of this journey I am on. I have only realized that in the last two weeks and am trying to figure out how to better separate the two so I can get back to enjoying working out and being proud of myself and just plain being happy! I don't like who I have beome lately and how that seems to be taken out on innocent people like Gui who happen to breathe the wrong way and I attack. That isn't me and it isnt someone I am happy with.

But today I was not winning the struggle.I was checking my email on the plane (gotta love wi-fi at 30K feet up) and saw an email from my boss for a client we are trying to schedule. Being in a cynical mood I thought "great what now". I couldn't have been more wrong. The email at the top of this post was that email. An amazingly caring sentiment from someone who has only met me once. It meant so much to me I felt I had to blog about it.
It was that less than subtle reminder that I have lost track of remembering that for all the bad in the world, there are some GREAT people out there. That I need to let those be the voices I am guided by and not those who seek to rip me down at every opportunity.
I can't thank you enough Grace. I know you won't see this, but thank you for reminding me who I am, why I do what I do and that there is more good in the world than bad. Your email made me cry and then smile. I don't need Jack Daniels or M&M's as long as I have people like you in my world!!!!!!!
PS. Sorry again Gui....


  1. No need to apologize to Gui. This is YOUR journey, not his. Or as my PT says, "I'm just a tour guide - this is your trip." Hugs!

  2. Micah you are 100% right this is my journey, but that doesn't absolve me of being responsible for my behavior. I am an east coast girl...I can tell you flat out that if I had as bad an attitude with a tour guide in NY as I have with Gui in the last couple months, I would have been given the finger and thrown out of on my butt to find my own way back!

    And if I had taken things out on a tour guide like I did today on him they probably would have then run me over with the tour bus *smile*.

    I've been out of line and out of control. The apology was valid!