Sunday, February 28, 2010

I didn't puke and I didn't cry...

"How do you like me now,
Now that I'm on my way?
Do you still think I'm crazy
Standing here today?
I couldnt make you love me
But I always dreamed about living in your radio
How do you like me now?"

There couldn't have been a better song playing on the radio when I left the gym today! It made me laugh when I heard it. Toby Keith pretty much summed my mood up in his simple lyrics!

Today I let the past be the past at least for an hour. I accomplished today what I never thought possible. I took part in a group physical activity and didn't feel like the outsider looking in. I felt like I belonged as much as anyone else there and that I wasn't the focus of laughter or stares. Finding that place was a victory I have waited 39 years for.

This weekend was "fitness expo" at Eagan Lifetime fitness and as part of that there has been a series of group workouts lead by the Personal Training Dept Manager. The final one was this morning, Tiffany's Sin Bin. Despite my best instints I decided to give it a shot. I went into it terrified. 90 days ago I could barely walk, I am not sure what made me think today I was ready to take on Tiffany (and her reputation of making people puke) but I decided to give it a go. I am so glad I did.

I can't say I was able to keep up, I did 1/2 the speed and 1/2 the incline of most people in the group, but that doesnt matter to me. What matters is I did it!!! I got through every exercise, I didn't give up and more importantly I didn't feel self conscious doing it. To me that last piece is greater than any olympic gold medal!

I also learned today that it is safe to let others help you fight this battle. I can't thank Ann and Katie and Scott enough for their encouragement around today! Letting others into my world is hard, the blog provides me some safety, I dont have to share face to face, but standing there across the exercise bands today there wasn't much place to hide, but I felt truly supported and welcome. I KNEW if I faltered there was a whole group of people who would be there to back me up. That is a new reality for me!

I saw a quote today on a friend's facebook status "Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. - Maria Robinson" Today is the first day I am ready to dream for that new ending!!!!


  1. perfect song, great quote...always here for ya girl!

  2. Yay, Pam!!! I feel so honored to be walking alongside, standing across the bands from you, and cheering you on! Thanks for asking me to join you this morning, as I got tripped up on my own stuff and almost didn't come. My whole day was good after that workout.