Saturday, October 2, 2010

Please Stop Asking Me to be Ok with Things that I Shouldn't be......

"If you aren't moving forwards, you are moving backwards"

This has been a long week. It's week 9 of no weight loss and my urge to keep trying is getting harder and harder to maintain. That played out this week in my cardio workouts. It has become more and more of a struggle to get to the treadmill and even once I am there my passion for it is waining. Today I stopped 4 times and was ready to give up, but forced myself through the hour. But have to admit I did most of it in tears.

I am just at that spot of utter frustration. I am working so hard....forcing myself to eat, 3 times a week with the trainer, endless hours on the treadmill and yet not one bit of movement on my weight. I know plateaus happen, I know it isn't going to be as easy as it once was, but this unending march of no movement at all is wearing me down. The things that had worked a couple weeks ago, to keep me going despite the frustration, setting challenges for myself (5K, 10K, speed) aren't masking how I really feel anymore. I can't hide it from myself and others like I was.

And I have to admit I am losing patience with the people around me. I know they are all trying their best to be supportive and understanding, but I have to say if I hear one more time "but look at all you have done" I am probably going to unleash on someone who totally doesn't deserve it.

I know everything they are saying.....I've lost 100 lbs...yup aware of that! I have worked really hard to do that...painfully aware of that! I have a lot to be proud of....and I am! But I am sick to death of what I have already done being used to placate the fact that I am not making any current progress. The past is totally irrelevant to where I am now.

How long am I supposed to lean on what I have already done? What good is that doing me? I know the people saying "but look at how far you have come" are trying to be helpful but you are all missing the point. While the past is great, and I am very proud of all the changes in the last year I have made, I am not ok with stopping there. I am looking at and worried about the current and the future, and right now I don't like what I see. For me to not be upset that I am not moving forward because of what I did in the past is as irrational as "Jump in the Saddle Band" considering their music career a success after one hit in the 80's. (and let's see how many of you even know what that hit was).

YES I used to weigh 338 lbs, yes I am proud of the fact that I don't anymore, and I worked really hard to get to 238, but 238 is NOT acceptable. I am not willing to be happy that I still weigh over 200 lbs, I am not willing to be ok that I am still considered morbidly obese.

I have always had an issue with the "things could be worse" mentality people use to try to show someone upset or hurting that theirs isnt the worse thing in the world. We all know that! But I don't feel that I, or anyone else, has to suppress dealing with what is on their plate currently just because they or someone else could be in a worse situation. You can still be hurting miserably without being the most destitute person on the planet! We all have to live with where we are at any given minute, not where someone else is or where we could have been!

I should be upset that nothing is working, I should be frustrated that the scale isn't moving. I should be worried this is as good as it gets. Because complaceny is not a solution! I don't get why those around me don't get that!


  1. What other goals do you have? It feels like youre stuck on the weight side, but i know that you aspire for much more from your life. What else are you thinking about?

  2. Complacency is not a solution. But forgiveness is. Bring your mind and body and spirit into harmony and movement will come.