Wednesday, September 29, 2010

There's No Place Like Home...

Sorry I have been kind of silent again. I am going through one of those periods where there is lots going on but very little to say. I hate saying the same things over and over, so I have just been silent. 

The plateau continues, it has been over 8 weeks now with no movement on the scale, that part is frustrating and a little scary. Training with Nick is going well, it feels more and more natural as the weeks go by. I feel like the corner has been turned from where it feels like something I was forced to do but am glad about to just something I am glad about. It was a good change for me.

My eating is still a challenge, but I feel like I am learning a lot more about my eating issues in the last couple weeks than I have before and hope that will help me control it better. My realization for this weeks has been that it is not just one issue, but at least two and they each manifest very differently. The first, which I talked about in a previous post, I believe to be a true biological issue, where something triggers my body to not want food and to not be hungry. When this is in play I feel sick when I try to eat and nothing tastes good. But there is also a second stress related component that also leads to me not eating, but doesn't cause the food repulsion feeling or sick feeling, I just don't think about eating and if it isn't easy and convenient food isn't worth the effort. I wrestled with the second on my trip this week. The first I don't feel I have a lot of control over yet, since we don't know the trigger, but this second one I need to get better about. I need to force my way through that mood.

Part of what was stressing me out this week was being away from home. That sounds so weird coming from someone who loves to travel and who is a "road warrior" but I realized this week it is yet another one of the changes in my life over the last year. In some ways it is a good and comforting change, in some ways it is a negative I need to figure out.

First the good. This is going to sound odd to those that don't know me well, but for the first time in my life in the last year I have been homesick. It sounds weird to call that good, but what is good about it is that for the first time in my life I do feel like I have a home base that I am connected to, that I miss. While I have lived in many cities and homes in my life, I never really connected with any of them. This is the second house I have owned, but the first I truly feel is a home. Beyond just my own house, I feel that way about my life in general at home. For the first time in my life I have places I feel I belong, I have a routine I am used to and being away from that is unnerving at times for me. When I am away I feel off kilter and can't wait to get back. I feel lost when I am away. This is a totally new and unusual feeling for me.

The second part, and the part I am trying hard to overcome, is how unstable my eating and workouts become when I am on the road. Part of the instability comes from being in situations where I don't have control of my time and access to food, but part of it is also just reverting back to that stress reaction.

This week I truly had no excuse to let my food and workouts suffer. While I am traveling my days were spent working at the home of a dear friend and colleague. Hilary is an amazing house, keeps her house well stocked with very healthy foods, is totally supportive of my food restrictions and issues, and yet I still had two days where my calories were SIGNIFICANTLY below where I should have been. I have no one to blame for that but me. Add on top of that that I packed multiple food items to suppliment things if needed, and still I didn't eat enough.

The sad part is I have myself stressed over how food is going to go before I even leave and probably sabatoge my first few days before I am out the door. I have a short vacation coming up in late October and today started panicing over whether to go or not because of food and being away from the gym for that long. The trip is over 3 weeks away and I was obsessing on it already. I came very close to cancelling, but luckily I have friends around me who remind me that I can't stop living or all that I have accomplished is wasted.

I would be lying if I said I don't miss the joy I used to find in traveling, for work or pleasure. I miss it being a natural part of my life where my greatest concern was if I would be upgraded or not. I want to find the fun in new cities like I used to. I want the carelessness back I had with food and eating on the road before, but I know this last one will never come back. Because that carelessness was typically just not eating and I can't go back there. But I do look forward to the day when this new way of eating will feel natural and manageable and not be a roadblock to me wanting to leave home.

The good news, I get to go home tomorrow!!!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment