Perception is NOT reality.....

"People say I'm the life of the party
'Cause I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue

So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, its easy to trace
The tracks of my tears..."

When you grow up with an abusive parent there are lessons you learn pretty fast...

• Displaying weakness or vulnerability puts you at risk...
• Hide imperfections or struggles to understand something and then go figure it out...
• When someone is busy, stressed, or grumpy make yourself as invisible as you can...
• Be ready to figure it out on your own, because most requests for assistance will go unanswer...
• At the end of the day you are on your own and need to be able to survive that way...

As a child trying to stay safe in an unsafe environment these lessons serve you well, they keep the abuse to a minimum, but as you grow up and venture out into the world, they can often become a handicap. Because for most of us who grew up this way, we never stop seeing the world as unsafe and even when it is we automatically revert to putting on the charades we learned as survival tools.

This past week has been a great lesson for me in how this plays out for me in my life, particularly the first one. Because what trying to hide weakness or vulnerability leads to is wearing a mask for the world, a smile or a swagger that people often take as confidence or cockiness that in reality is nothing more than a shell to keep safe that inside you are scared to death.

This past week I lost two (horse) people from my life, that I actually considered friends, because they thought that what they perceived about me was reality. And while many of my friends have told me to move on, it is there loss and they werent really friends if they feel the way they do, it bothers me. Not even so much because they are gone from my life (in the end that may be better for me and them) but because they are gone because they judged me on what they thought I was and not who I am. And as I thought about it I realized this has always been the thing that bothered me about people in my life (especially those that get frustrated with me and walk away), that most people think I am someone I am completely not.

This all stemmed from the horse show this past weekend, but it started before then. Last Friday night in my group lesson one of these friends made a comment about me being so bent on winning. And at the time I responded but realize now nothing I would have said would have mattered, it is what she saw that she believed. I am guessing if you had asked most people how I felt going into the weekend they would have told you I was confident, thought I could win or cared about winning. The reality was so far from that. I have said it many times but I realize now that few have taken it to heart. I went into this with one goal, don't make a fool of myself and that was honest and sincere. I had NO expectations of winning anything. I saw myself failing in every class. It is part of why my reactions to winning were so big (something again mistaken as self absorption). I was SHOCKED at my placements, I still am. Quite frankly I consider them a fluke and go into the next show with even lower expectations of myself. I have written off my results as being "it was just the fun show".

I went into Sunday terrified, without any self confidence and expecting to be laughed at by those watching. I go into most things that way, expecting people are looking at me like the emperor with his new clothes. Yet that abused child in me knows better than to show that, so I go in like the victor, like I am so confident, but it is merely to protect myself. And it does that, but it also has down sides, one is how people see me, and the second is that I end up often going it alone, because people figure I have it all together and dont need help or support. I was really shocked this weekend that only one person (thanks Theo it meant a lot) took the time to ask how I was feeling, if I was ready, how I was doing and was there with a pep talk when I told him I was honestly scared out of my mind. I am venturing no one else even considered that, and that isnt an attack on anyone, I get it, I prevent that crossing people's minds when I play my role.

The second person this week that I lost was also lost because people dont see me, but this one is probably even more my fault. I was told this week that I have had it easy in how fast I have learned this horse stuff, that I made it to the top this fast because my instructor likes me. I think the perception people have gained, again because i hide my struggles, is that this has been an easy learning process for me or is now. I dont think anyone, including my riding coach, has a clue how hard this is for me. How much practice time I put in, with and without my horse. That my lack of depth perception makes learning patterns harder than I ever let on, so I take horsemanship patterns and run through them in my living room trying to figure out how to space things, let alone the hours and horse I have spent on Joker trying to learn to ride an even-ish circle. That the fact I made it through my cones in my trail pattern Sunday only happened because he and I have spent countless hours using a bunch of trees (where no one could see us) working on the timing of trotting cones and making corners on cones).  And do I want credit for all that, no, it was time I chose to invest and I am glad I did. But at the same time it does bother me that people cant see how hard I have worked for this. This hasnt been a given, no one gave me a free ride. From the first day I got on Snapper I have worked my ass off to do this. I have overcome major fears with trotting, I am still trying to overcome issues with loping (look at my videos my hand is still on that horn).

Beyond the two friends that walked, I know there were others who don't get me and took it the wrong way. I really went out of my way this weekend to deal with how I dressed, to worry about the details of how Joker looked. I went far beyond what the show required, most people wore jeans, sweatshirts and rode their horses as is. I dressed up, I had jewelry on, Joker was bathed, vacuumed, braided and beaded. I was asked more than once why I did so much and was even accused of showing off. People truly didnt get it, that this was all a way to cover the fact that I was completely freaked out inside about being seen by people and feeling so fat and ugly. I needed to do anything I could to make myself feel better about how I looked so that I could reach a confidence level high enough to let me ride into that arena. People who thought I was showing off had no idea I spent 12 plus hours and went to over a dozen stores just looking for a shirt that I would allow myself to be seen in. That for me how I looked and the fear of people seeing me and thinking I was "too fat to be riding" was nearly paralyzing. They had no clue when they were putting me down for over doing it that that was the armour I needed to even participate.

I cant end this post without thanking my best friend Kaye, she is the one person who DID get it this weekend. And I truly have no clue how I am going to do the rest of my shows without her here. What most people saw, and probably thought, was Kaye did SO much this weekend, she was my groom, my horse braider and cleaner, she put up with my attitude, she helped me buy clothes and do that marathon shopping to find one shirt, she kept me fed, she kept shoving water in me, she was to an outsider (and maybe even felt it at times) pretty much my show slave. But as with everything else there was so much more going on. Kaye gets me....Kaye knows when I stress i dont eat, Kaye knows I freak about how I look, Kaye knows that my body makes some things really hard (like getting down on the ground to scrub a horses hooves), Kaye gets that when I am stressed I get bitchy, impatient and short. But Kaye also knows my heart, that these things aren't me, that I am the most insecure, scared person in the world. That the outcome of this weekend was a total shock to me. And Kaye I hope you know for seeing me for who I am and standing by me anyway I love you more than words can express. I truly believe you are the one person on the planet who really KNOWS me! What am I going to do without you for the rest of my shows?????????????

344 days later.....the story no one saw...

"I’m gonna take that mountain
Ain’t nothing gonna slow me down
And there ain’t no way around it
Gonna leave it level with the ground
Ain’t just gonna cross it, climb it, fight it
I’m gonna take that mountain"

Three hundred and forty four days ago I walked into Woodloch stables praying to live through the next hour of my life. I wanted nothing to do with horses and I couldn't believe I let a friend talk me into even trying to ride one.

Today I walked out of Woodloch with a blue ribbon and a host of other ribbons.

I still have a hard time believing the journey of the past year. How I went from terrified to exhilarated. From city slicker to cowgirl. Every day I have to remind myself this is all real. Even after today it still is hard to comprehend.

Our outcome today far surpassed my wildest expectations. Our placings were...

Showmanship 14 & Over - 4th place
Open Walk/Trot Horsemanship Rail - 3rd place
Open Horsemanship Rail- 7th place
Open Walk/Trot Western Pleasure - 2nd place
Open Western Pleasure - didnt place
Open Walk/Trot Horsemaship Pattern - FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Open Horsemanship Pattern - didnt place
Open Egg & Spoon - 6th place
Open Trail - 6th place!

A blue ribbon, any ribbon was not on my radar, even in a fun show. My goal was to not make a fool of myself, if I could have just reached that bar I would have walked away happy. I couldn't have even dreamed of reaching the achievements I did today.

But the real achievement today, the surprise I promised in the last post, had nothing to do with ribbons or placing, it had to do with conquering a personal goal, to regain something that was stolen for me.

Some of you will know this from reading previous posts, but very few people cheering for me today had a clue what really went on today. 16 years ago I was paralyzed on my right side (botched surgery) I had to relearn to walk, to use my hand. I got back to functional, but much of that time was little more. Two plus years ago I started working with a personal trainer and got back more mobility, riding has brought me even more, but there was still one piece I couldn't do, jogging. I have tried on the treadmill, I have tried alone in parks and on back roads, I could not make my body do it. I had asked a couple people to help me relearn how to make my body work, but it hadn't gone far. I had pretty much given up, and then Joker came along. I finally had my patient, non-judgemental running buddy, who didn't care how silly I looked or how slow we went and who wouldn't tell anyone what we were working on.

So last fall Joker and I started training. One step, then two, then a few. We would go out on the track, down by the rodeo arena, anywhere people wouldn't see us. Holding his lead rope gave me enough balance to not trip over myself. Joker would wait, make sure I was balanced and then move with me. Never running ahead, just waiting for me, he knew he had an important job. For as much as I trip over my own feet walking, I never once fell learning to jog with Joker.

When I decided to show this all took on new meaning. One of the classes I had under consideration was Showmanship. In this class you are next to your horse, not on them, and you move together through a pattern. You are judged on how well you move together, how your horse starts and stops with you, how your horse pivots. It was something I longed to do, but something I knew I might never do. Because an integral part of Showmanship is jogging with your horse, in uneven, sandy, deep arenas.

As show season got closer my riding coach and I had to make a decision, and in March we pulled Showmanship off the table for this year. I let my fear momentarily get the best of me and agreed it was the best plan. But my heart broke at the decision, it once again meant my body would win. Yet another thing my heart wanted but my body couldn't deliver. I came away from the decision saddened but also frustrated, not ready to give up.

So I went and had a long talk with Joker (ok I talked and cried, he ate grass, that is usually how our meetings go) and we decided neither of us was ready to give in. So we stepped it up, going and jogging in the arenas when no one was around. Since March I cant even count the number of hours we put in. And no one knew, til last Monday. I had signed up for Showmanship at the Fun Show (allowing people to assume I would walk the jog portion) and had a couple details I needed to work out in my riding lesson. When we got to the point in the pattern my coach offered me to walk that part, but I got to say the greatest words ever "nope we've got this one" and off Joker and I went. It wasn't fast, it wasn't picture perfect, but together we jogged. We had done it!

I still can't jog by myself, don't know if I ever will be able to, but as long as I have my loving patient friend Joker by my side, I am normal. I can do what others do. And that is better than anything I could win!!!!

The video of our Showmanship class can be found at:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=3819634414379&saved

When you think you can't......you can't. But when you want, you will...

"Tell me it can't be done, and I will do it. Tell me the goal is too high, and I will reach it. Place an obstacle in front of me, and I will soar over it. Challenge me, Dare me, But do NOT underestimate me. For on the back of my horse ANYTHING is possible."

I am so pitifully behind in updating this blog. Life seems to be busier than ever and I guess because I am overall handling life better I am here venting less. Life is good right now, life is crazy right now, life is pretty surreal right not.

First the obligatory update - I am still losing the weight battle, I am up about 35 lbs from my lowest. I am still going to the gym, still seeing the trainer 3 times a week and added a TEAM Weight Loss class. But despite all that I am still moving backwards. I still believe in my heart of hearts that there is still something more medically that we are missing. The thyroid meds aren't stemming the weight loss so there has to be more. I am frustrated and scared and saddened on this front, the fact that we cant stop the gain has me terrified that I will continue back to where I started, and have considered giving up the fight multiple times, but luckily I have a personal trainer who doesn't give up when I do, so still fighting the war.

My weight is probably my only real complaint at this moment, otherwise my life is incredibly exciting these days, and totally unexpected. This weekend is my first horse show!!!!! I have to admit for as much as I have prepared for it, and for as many times as I have said it, that hasn't really registered yet in my brain that it is real! I have done all the shopping (Joker has some great new show duds) and I am practiced my heart out, but yet it all still seems so far out of something I would ever do that I can't make it real yet.

I also can't seem to make real the amazing amount of love and support people, some pretty much strangers, have shown me on this journey. Heck the woman who works at the deli counter at the grocery story asked if she could come (she asks me ever time she sees me how riding is going), I have clients who want to come, I have a friend flying in from NC to be there, and on top of those there in person I have an entire herd of show moms on Facebook who will be there in spirit. A friend pointed it out the other night, how amazing it is how many people are rallying around me for this show. Quite frankly at times I am spooked by it, letting people in has never been a strength of mine but at the same time I believe it is part of the lesson I am meant to learn this summer and am trying to embrace it.

I would be lying if I didn't say I was having nerves about the show, but ironically they aren't about riding. On that front I am good with knowing I have trained my butt off, that Joker and I will give it our best and the result will be what it is.

My nerves are my old demons, weight and insecurities. The closer the show gets the more I worry about how I look. I am fighting more and more to eat, I am freaking out about what to wear. I am very glad my best friend Kaye will be here the rest of this week, because truthfully without someone here I can see myself bailing on the show over nothing more than issues about my weight. Its hard knowing all those people will be looking at me, and in my mind judging how fat I am. But I have to keep trying to remind myself that is all only in my head. It is this great irony of being overwhelmed by all the love and support around me, and yet at the same time feeling totally unworthy of it.

The good news is that no matter what, I know I have the best partner in the world going into the ring with me Sunday morning. With Joker there by my side I now realize I can do ANYTHING!!!!!!! And I know that he and I have a HUGE surprise in store for most of the people in my life (3 special people already know). An accomplishment that far outreaches in my mind any blue ribbon I could ever win.

Curious???? Feel free to come watch the show. It starts at 9am Sunday April 22nd at Woodloch Stables in Hugo MN. For those that cant make it I promise to try to remember to blog afterwards!

Shoulders back and stick out your chest...

"Your horse is a mirror to your soul. Sometimes you might not like what you see… sometimes you will.” ~ Buck Brannaman


Not exactly sure where to start this post, really struggling and know I need to write this out, because it feels like one of those moments that others can relate to, but not sure how to say it all yet, so here goes.

When I started riding I worried about the obvious things, mounting the horse, not falling off the horse and doing technical things wrong. I had no clue that this journey was going to be much more about who I am on the inside than what I do on the outside. And there are times, like today, that I wonder if I had known that it would have gone down this road would I have opted in. While I love the new parts of my world, the self discovery is not coming easily. And last night it all felt like it hit me.

I guess first an update is in order, since I havent blogged in a couple months. I still adore riding as much as ever. I am still leasing Joker and couldnt be happier. He is smart, fun and has taught me more faster than I could have learned on most horses. We are cantering, we are working on patterns and the big news, I have decided to try a couple horse shows this summer with him. Our focus is going to be trail class (obstacles) but we are also going to give a shot to some of the pleasure classes (showmanship, horsemanship).  When I first started planning for this Etta (my riding coach) asked me what I was most scared of, my answer, cantering. I thought it was going to be the riding skills I was worried about, but as the days go by that fear fades. My new answer scares me more than loping and has me questioning this whole idea, but I truly hope like trotting and loping I can work my way past this.

My new angst, having to ride in the same arena with other people, particularly people I dont know. That sounds really dumb, but for the last nine months I have worked really hard (even more than I realized) to find empty arenas, to go out on trails or to stay with people I knew. I thought it was all about worrying about my riding ability, but last night I found out that wasnt it, it goes to how I see myself in the world, and have most of my life.

I keep mentioning last night so I guess I need to go there. Etta suggested this week (she is a pretty smart cookie) that maybe I should consider doing some group lessons (in addition to my private lessons) so that I could see how others struggle with some of what I do and also to get practice riding with others. So I gave it a try last night. I knew this was something I wasnt going to love at first, and came into it  with a lot of butterflies, but left more stressed than I imagined possible. The last thing I thought it was going to make me do was question showing, but it did.

It was a group lesson at WL. I knew no one in the lesson. I was pleasantly suprised to find out that even though most of these people had been riding much longer than me I was at least equal to them and in some areas Joker and I were ahead of them (I give him the credit, he makes me look good). I had my panic moment when I knew I was going to have to canter in front of them (this is somewhat new for me on Joker) but even that went better than I anticipated. And as usual Etta was there to keep reminding me I was just fine and she wouldnt let me get over my head.

But for all that I still found my anxiety level off the chart the whole hour. I was getting more and more wound up by the chaos of sharing an arena, of people riding in different directions, cutting me off, my horse reacting differently (wanting to play tag and race with the other horses) and it just all became overload. And the irony is I realize this was really quiet as group riding goes. By the end my heart was racing and I was nearly in tears. Panic attack is the only way I can explain it. Even writing about it the tears are there. I was beyond stressed and wasnt sure why.

I needed to understand this and last night I ripped it all apart and came to the realization that the anxiety comes from the very core of how I have seen myself in life from the time I was very young and the negative messages that were instilled in me from day one. The basic message I came away from my childhood with was "you are in the way, you are unwanted" and because of that I have spent a lot of my life trying to blend in, minimize myself and go out of my way to not get in anyones way and I totally bring that to my riding.

That statement about wanting to hide and blend in might surpise people who think they know me but dont really. Most people in my life if asked to describe me would say...courageous, pushy, harsh, confident, likes to be the center of attention, thinks she knows it all, thinks she is always right. And they would be dead wrong. It used to bother me when people said those things about me, but I have grown to just accept anyone who thinks that has never gotten to know me and is judging their perception of me not who I really am. At my core I am shy, scared, greatly devalue myself and usually put myself last when comparing myself to others.

The way that plays out in my life is I try to stay to myself, in groups  of peopleI hide on the edges, I am the person who if I see a friend in public wont speak until spoken to because I dont want to interrupt or be in the way. I find it very presumptious to show up uninvited somewhere and I dont do it. I start at the assumption I dont belong or am unwanted and dont move from that spot unless pushed to. And all of that played out last night riding.

My lesson from last night is that group riding stresses me out because 1) I spend the whole time worrying about trying not to be in everyone else's way and the more I cant do that the more frustrated I become (the fact that I couldnt just ride the rail and because joker moved faster than other horses was making me nuts, I felt like I was constantly having to move around people and couldnt stay nice and tucked in and hidden) and 2) the big lesson was that people who arent like me, who are ok interrupting, who worry about themselves and doing what they need to makes me really MAD. I am not sure if it is mad because I find it rude (via my messed up mindset of values on this) or because I envy them. Probably a little of both or a lot of both.

I have no clue yet where I go with this new understanding. I feel like I am standing on a fence, run and hide or face it, give up the idea of showing or force myself weekly into this group lesson, find options for riding around others and get past this. I know the latter is the right answer, just not ready to say that is where I will land.

Two years....100 lbs.....a different life...sorta.....



Membership photo taken on Nov 19, 2009
when I joined LTF

 This is probably going to end up one of those winding nostalgic posts. I am facing down an anniversary and that tends to make me sentimental (it's a girl thing I know). Black Friday is coming up... the day my life changed. As a co-worker pointed out last night, time DOES move faster the older you get. It is really shockingly so. In ways this week in November 2009 seems like a moment ago, in other ways it is lifetimes ago.

For those that haven't been reading the blog from the beginning. Black Friday 2009 was when I joined Lifetime Fitness, started working with a trainer, started the journey that I thought was only about losing weight, but have since realized was so much more.



Before photo, Feb 2009

 When I walked into LTF on November 19, 2009 I could barely walk more than a few steps at a time, and even those were difficult. Partially because I weighted 311 lbs (from my high of 338 a few months earlier) but also because of the nerve damage on my right side from the botched surgery and two ensuing strokes. My goal, do water aerobics, maybe the treadmill, not much more. The outcome (to date) is light years from where I started. I never would have guessed two years later I would have lost around 100 lbs, I would have done an indoor tri, that I would be able to lift the weights I do, and certainly not that I would be horseback riding. At that point I would have been happy if I had been told I would be able to walk stairs and not have to make every decision on my life on whether my body could do it. I have come a long long way, and am super proud of that.

Nick and I at the Vikings
game this year

But I have to be honest, this second year has been MUCH harder on many fronts than the first one was. I am still trying to understand why the first year was so much easier, but I believe it is grounded in how far I had to come. Most of the first year was all major milestones, every day was a new accomplishment, and I do well with that. I feed my energy off it and it helped me fight battles that I thought were conquered, but really were only hiding, especially my eating disorder (the not eating part). This second year weight loss has not come, I am currently around 235. It has been as much about not falling backwards as it has been trying to go forward this year. I am blessed with a personal trainer, Nick, who has stood by me through that, trying to keep me moving forward, but also not giving up when we were just treading water.

Me with Snapper, the horse
who changed it all

This year also added an Eating Disorder therapist, Alecia, to my world. I started with her in the middle of a blizzard in February. I know working with her is what I need to be doing, but have to admit part of me hasn't fully connected with it yet, and I struggle with that. I have struggled with that a lot in the last year and a half, working to let the people in I need to and feeling very detached and distant from them even if it isn't what I want. I definitely have become more isolated in the second year than I was in the first, and think that is part of the lack of success also. As I have said in the blog before, I let more people in the first year, but when that blew up in my face with some people I retreated from it, I am working now to get that better balanced.

Joker and I in the first snow, one of the few pictures
in the world of me laughing...ironically I have no clue what about

The biggest addition to my life in year 2 has been horses, and Woodloch Stable. WL was a very happy accident. I was in no way going near horses by choice (they were big scary mean creatures was what I remembered from being a kid) but the minute I was pushed to do it I felt complete in a way I hadn't in a long time. Horses touch a part of my heart I had walled off from humans. While I struggle allowing people to hug me, touch me, care about me, see my flaws when I am with my horse, any horse, that part of me is fulfilled. I become a very different person and I am open to very different experiences. And along with letting the horses in, I have gained an entire new circle of friends, at WL, at Sunnyside and on FB. My "horsey friends" as my other friends call them.

Etta, Snapper and me

The most central new person in this is my riding instructor, Etta. It always amazes me how the right people fall into our life at the right moment. I was reminded again yesterday how everything really came together that day in May at WL. The right horse, the right instructor. If any of that had been different I don't think I would be riding today. I got lucky to find an instructor who gets my limitations but has no hesitation of fighting me to put them aside, which is what I need, and where I am most struggling these days.

My life has changed a ton in two years, my body has changed a ton in two years, but unfortunately my brain hasn't changed in those two years, I thought for a while it had, near the middle of the first year, but I realized this past week how much I still am locked in "brain fat" and "brain fears". Where I have stopped being a prisoner to my body, I still wrestle with being a prisoner to my thoughts and my memories. I still stop myself from doing things, including riding, based on fears about my body and whether it will do what I want it to or not. I still fight myself around food and eating, based on those old messages.

Which brings me to my goals for year 3.........getting my brain to catch up with my body. To stop living in the past in my thoughts, my fears, my behaviors. Because I fear til I do that I am stuck at this point of "good enough but not where I want to be" with my food, my weight, my happiness, my riding, all of it.

Kola and I off on an adventure

And the biggest lesson I am taking from year 2 is I cant do it alone. I tried this year, where the first year people were freely let in, this past year I tried very hard to hide a lot, to do a lot on my own, to figure it out myself. Even though I had great people wanting to help and to care, I always retreated. I see it most clearly in my riding, I go have my "adventures" on my own and come back and tell people what went on after the fact, but that is just the visual of what I did in everything. Its why therapy hasn't helped, I would go and keep 1/2 of what I felt inside for fear of what Alecia thought. In the last 6 months I have done it in the gym too. I got very very hung up this year in what people think, in going back to feeling like I have to be perfect or I wont be loved or accepted, and this year I need to put that behind me, that has to become old think!

Me on Cheyenne

I cant say I know how to do it, so this year I am asking you all to help me, to push me to do it, to yell back, to chase me down when I hide, to force me to live out in the open and not head out to where I can hide. And yeah I am going to fight back, that is me, but please stop me from running like you all did in year 1 before I shut everyone out. I need my friends to get back to being louder than the noise in my head again. You all have my permission, for one year, to be a royal pain in my butt (at least now I know how to jump on a horse and get away from all of you *grin*)

On to year three.....

Six months in the saddle...

"Every horse you meet will teach you something"

"You are safer than you realize"

"There is a cowgirl in you somewhere"

Etta Arcand Langer

WOW! There wasn't much else I could say when I looked back last night to see exactly how long ago I had started riding and it turned out today marks 6 months. Just like so many other things it seems like just yesterday, and at the same time it seems a life time ago. In ways it was, I am such a different person now. As we have joked at that barn more than once, I am now "a whole lot more cowgirl than princess". While I still have my great heels and my nails and I still like the dressing up I had discovered in the first year of my transformation, I have to admit, I am pretty darn happy to have "traded Nine West for Ariat".

I was asked yesterday why I think I have taken so quickly to horses and riding. I am sure, like with most things, the answer is a lot simplier than I am going to make it, but I came up with two reasons...

1) I have no history with it. My life comes with a whole lot of baggage. Dysfuncational family, abusive parents, eating disorder, weight issues and most of all the nerve damage/strokes and paralysis. Most everything in my life I run through one of those filters and I measure how I used to be able to do it versus how I can or cant do it now. Riding has none of that. I had never done it before I was "broken" so there is no measure of how much harder it is or how much worse it is, it just is. It gave me a clean slate, a brand new story to write, unincumbered by the past. It has no tie to my mother, to being sick, none of that. So I can just do it and figure it out now and not feel I have to measure myself against the past.

I have found a level of pride in my accomplishments riding that I have never felt (or allowed myself to feel) in anything else I have done in my life. I dont need to measure myself against other people or be the best. I have found great joy in just my "baby steps" of riding, and that is new for me. I have gotten a greater high crossing a stream or walking over a log than in anything I have ever done.  I see my accomplishmemts, which I normally don't.

2) It involves the most honest "me" of anything I have ever done. Most of my life I have felt I was playing roles people wanted... the good student, the happy family member, the confident business analyst...sometimes parts of it were true, but more often than not they were truly a role. A facade, a face for the world. Trying to be what I thought people wanted me to be so I would fit in or be liked or accepted. Then I would come home and take off the mask and hide out so people wouldnt see who I really was. But with riding, I haven't had to wear a mask, truth, you can't fake it on a horse. You are who you are. There isnt time for pretend and imagery. And even when people do try to pretend, it is blatantly obvious very quickly. Your horse calls you out on it really fast! All your good and your bad is brought to the surface and exposed for the world. I can tell by watching how someone treats their horse how they treat people and what matters to them and how they feel about themselves. You see the most honest reactions and emotions around horses.

And for me this honesty is liberating. I spend all day smiling and pretending for clients, for people around me, and it is exhausting at times. The barn and with my horse is where that mask comes off and it re-energizes me.

One of the realities I have faced in the last six months is how much I have turned out to be, at my very core, who I fought for the last 30 years not to be and have found peace with that.

I grew up in a small town very much like the Hugo, MN area (where the barn is). That small town country girl is who I really am, even if I thought I had to become someone else for the world to love and accept me. I have done it, I have faked it (I can easily stand in a board room on 5th Avenue in New York City and reshape a fortune 500 company's future, I do it all the time), but at my heart, I'm simple, I'm small town. I'm country music, I am a few close friends and a bon fire much more than I am big cities and night clubs. And I am finally accepting that of myself!

I can't in any way take all the credit for my success this six months or even that I got on the horse the second time. I have always said the right people cross our path when they are meant to. For as much as I believe I was meant to do this "horse thing" at this point in my life, I am not sure if my first day hadn't gone the way it did, had it not been where it was, and the instructor who it was if I would be on a horse today. I consider Woodloch Stables and Etta the happiest accident of my life. I could not be riding at a more welcoming, friendly supportive barn. From my initial fears that I was too fat to ride (met by a comment from my instuctor I will NEVER forget..."Have you seen the size of cowboys"), to the other riders who welcomed me riding with them from day one, to the amazingly helpful barn staff who have never made me feel dumb (even when I ask things like 'do I have the right horse' or 'Has anyone seen my horse, he's missing'). I have never felt once that I didn't belong, and again for me that is unheard of. THANK YOU.

Thank you to my horse friends (and a few non-horse friends) who have listened tirelessly to my stories and accomplishments. Whether you are here with me in person, or an online friend. I love the new dimension of people riding has brought to my life, and the way some of my existing friendships have been deepened.

A huge debt of gratitude to those who have loaned or leased me your horses to ride, for an hour, a couple weeks or months. Etta, Mary and Jessica. You sharing your ponies with me is a gift I wont forget.

Finally the most important thank you. My trusted steeds. Snapper, no matter how many horses I ride in my life, you will always be the most dear to my heart. Your patient, calm, caring way is a gift to all of us you teach to trust ourselves to ride. You do a very important job at Woodloch and hope you realize how loved you are and what a "rock star" you are to so many people who meet you. Cheyenne, I still miss you! You had a caring in you that is hard to explain. Cody, thanks for teaching me I could ride even if Snapper wasnt around. Gunner, just one ride, but you changed how I ride, you taught me how to use my body to ride. Kola....my dear friend. We rode for only a couple weeks, but we somehow bonded. You are still there for hugs anytime I come to the pasture. You made me feel loved and still do. And my special gelding Joker, you my friend are teaching me bravery, in myself, how to trust, that taking a chance is ok. I look forward to what you have to show me in the future. And I look forward to all the horses I am yet to meet......

And to think it all started out with a LivingSocial coupon.............

Ultimate Trust.....

"Horses lend us the wings we lack. ~Author Unknown"

It blows my mind when I let it sink in that just six months ago I wouldn't go near a horse and now I find my greatest moments of victory on their backs. I started this journey accidently in May and what a ride it has been.

It has been exhilarating, challenging and at times terrifying. To use a phrase my riding instructor used about her horse, I am not "brave by design". This is especially the case when it comes to physical challenges. I fear falling, I fear pain and most of all I feel looking like a fool. That last part leads to me hiding many of my "adventures", riding only in an empty arena with the doors closed or heading out to a field to practice. No one knows about them til I have done them and succeeded. The multiple attempts that fail are only mine to know, and well now my horse's also.

The great part of riding Joker is I have the most trust worthy horse in the world and can try new things on my own. Don't get me wrong, he's a horse, I don't lose sight of that, at any moment he could decide to take charge and take off (most likely back to the barn) or spook, but what I have learned as Joker and I have built our relationship is even on his worse moments, he doesn't have a mean or spiteful bone in his body. He feels he is protecting not only himself but me, and I am blessed for that. He is a partner I can believe in when I am not feeling brave, he is in it with me, he is on my side and he will do all he can to take care of me.

This is going to sound very strange to my non-horse friends (and probably even to some of my horse friends) and if you are one of those "they are just animal" people you may want to stop here, but Joker and I have a mounting ritual we go through before every ride. Before I step into the saddle, I stop, I go to his face, I stroke his blaze and I look him in the eyes and ask he if I may ride him and also ask him to help me through the ride. In my mind he understands what I am saying and I see a change in his eyes, an understanding of his role in my life and a softening. I realize that may be me wanting to impose my world view on him, but even if he doesn't undestand it is important to me to acknowledge that I never take him for granted, that I respect and appreciate that he allows me on his back (let's be honest, this is a 1200 lb animal who could easily be rid of me if he wanted) and takes such good care of me.  And to thank him for keeping us safe even when I question my seat.

I thought I knew all this, about how lucky I am and what a trustworthy horse I am riding after our first solo stream crossing alone a few weeks ago, but last night he taught me what trusting a horse really means....we did our after dark trail ride.

The ride started out as a behavior lesson for Joker. Since the season change he has been getting a little lazy riding when the light changes. Even if we are in the indoor arena, he had been deciding he should be done as the sun goes down. So my goal has been to change up the times we ride, to ride him more after dark, to remind him he doesn't have banker's hours.

We set out at twilight, my plan, ride him around the driveways at the barn before we lost all the light. I had no plan for a great adventure. I wanted to be back to the safety of the barn before dark. We did our planned ride, and something came over me. BTW there is a thin line between brave and crazy *smile*.

Not sure if it was beautiful moon, the stars, the previous conversations with Joker's owner about her night trail rides or just how great the ride was going and wanting to test our limits. But something lead me to take it to the next step. Despite the light being gone I headed us out around the track. For those not familiar with Woodloch, there is a 1 mile sand track, that starts out in the open and then cuts through a wooded area and returns back into the open. It is somewhere Joker and I have been multiple times (it is our escape ride when we don't want to work too hard but want to be alone). Last night however was a whole new experience, for me at least.

Not being able to see the ground in front of us (or below me) was not a factor in this outing I had considered til it was too late and we were already on our way. As someone who panics and doesn't trust her own footing when walking in the dark, to cede all control, to have to trust my horse to find his way and to keep us safe was difficult at best. Many times I considered getting off his back and leading him home. But I think what kept me going and not trying to take back control from him was that part of me that hates failing. Because I can't ground mount Joker, it would have meant doing the "walk of shame" all the way back to the barn and that people would think less of me was a lot more scary in that moment than trusting Joker.

And as usual I am glad I rode it out, it was the most fulfilling exhilerating ride I have had yet. Far better than learing to trot or canter, even better than the stream ride (which was pretty darn cool in its own right). Because this meant a level of trust I have never given willingly to any living being. Trust is such an issue for me, but last night I learned that well placed trust is a great thing. That when you have a parter who deserves your trust it can be very liberating to hand over the reigns.

Joker of course handled the entire ride with the same "come on this is no big deal, I got it under control, chill out" look he gives me during our mounting ritual. He safely and calmly rode the entire ride and lead us home like a champ.

And for those wondering, yes he was definitely rewarded with lots of treats. Truth the boy could have had anything in the world he wanted last night, because he let me feel the one thing I have rarely felt in my life, completely secure in where I had placed my trust!!!!! I love you my friend!

The Second Time Around...

I am not sure as I start this post where it is going to end up, if I knew that answer I probably wouldnt be writing it in the first place, so maybe I am hoping somewhere in figuring out how to say this is my own answer.

The topic has been on my mind for a long time, I have been fighting with myself over this for over a year now, but for many reasons, I have said precious little in this blog about where I am at. Partially because I feel like I am failing and am embarrassed by that, partially because I have heard the word "inspiration" so many times over my weight loss that I am afraid of letting people done, or trying to keep my head in the sand. But a Facebook post this morning by a friend on the same topic has me ready to face it, at least for the moment. Thanks Paul, this is for you.

The topic, the reality of weight loss after it has long stopped being easy, when the scale starts to creep up again and you feel helpless to stop it or to get back on track, but need to.

I have been fighting this battle for about a year now...for about 10 months I bounced around in the same ten pounds, between 210 and 220. And then the scale started climbing. Today my weight stands around 240 lbs (havent weighed myself in about 10 days so not exactly sure the number but guessing that is about where it is).

I could sit here and list a ton of reasons, but as my trainer points out to me periodically, they would be nothing but excuses. The reasons may be true...eating disorder noise, work stress, lack of self confidence, and on and on...but as true as they are, they are excuses. Convenient excuses to hide what weight loss for those of us who are truly over weight, a decision that we are worth the effort (ours and other people's), that we deserve success, that we are worth believing in and that we are valuable./

Paul asked me this morning how I would address this if I was starting fresh, if I didnt have the history of having lost the 100 or so pounds. His question stopped me cold, because I realized, I dont know what made that change in me the first time, and it is probably why I have struggled the last year to get back there. I dont know how I did it the first time. It feels looking back more like a fluke than something I purposely did.

I can look back at the first year of my weight loss journey and I see myself as a person I never was before then and havent been since. I read my posts on here and it is like reading another's story. The biggest thing I see is that I let other people walk along with me, and I have lost that ability again to let people in and admit I can't do this alone. I look back at the people I had with me when this all started...my trainer, so many people on staff at LTF, other people losing weight there, the readers on here, my friends on FB, other friends. And I saw myself doing something I had never done up to that point, letting others in. But in the last year I have moved so far away from that, I have gone back to trying to take on the journey myself, and not knowing how to let people walk with me, even when they want to. And I haven't moved a step forward.

The great irony to saying that, is that at this point I am actually surrounded by better people than I was when I was losing weight. I have an amazing trainer who has tirelessly beat his head against a wall with me for 16 months, an ED therapist who tries so hard yet I still keep at a distance, friends who want to help and who I know logically would do anything I asked them to help me. Yet I dont know how to let any of them in the same way I did before, and that is about ME not them. And if I dig deep enough I think that is a big part of where I have stalled. Because another reality for those of us who have struggled with our weight our whole lives or grew up with abuse is we measure our worth, as wrong as it, by those around us. And what made me believe in myself for the year I was losing weight, was others' belief in me, others telling me I was worth it, and for the first time in my life I believed what I was hearing. But I dont know why or how. I dont know right now how to believe in myself to meet the goals I need to, and I dont know how to believe in what I am hearing from those around me that got me going when I didnt feel it before.

I guess the big question I have to face, that I have avoided the last year, isnt how to get the scale to drop. But how do I get back to believing I am worth the effort, that I am worth making the right choices for. Because that is most likely the root to how I got things going in the right direction before.

Sadly as I said at the begining of this post, I dont have my answer. But at least for the first time in a year, I feel like I know the question.

Vikings Experience....What you didn't see on the big screen......

"He says it's really kind of simple,
Keep your mind in the middle ,
While your butt spins 'round and 'round...

Take heed to Sankey's preachin',
Keep liftin' and reachin',
And ridin' like there ain't no clowns...."
Garth Brooks

My life is hard to desribe or sum up in a few words, roller coaster is one I used to use a lot, but as I have started riding I think it is closer to broncho riding, a lot of lulls with a few really crazy moments thrown in here and there.

Earlier this week I was struggling badly with some challenges in my life, and said to a couple people close to me how I feel like I always get the harder road, that nothing is ever as easy as it should be and that I had had enough of it. But then today I stood staring at 50,000 or so people all looking down at me and thought, how lucky am I to be living the life I am living. How many people get to have the experiences I do, and in this case got to do twice? Once with the Twins and now once with the Vikings (hey LTF I like Hockey, can we three-peat with the Wild *grin*).

Days like today challenge my thinking. I was raised by a mother who spent a lot of time trying to convince me I was nothing special in the world, that to be proud of myself was wrong, that I was nobody and to think anything different was delusional and that I was more a hinderance than anything to the people around me. And for the most part I have let her thinking control a lot of how I view myself and the world. I have marginalized and minimized myself out of a lot of experiences and chances to have fun - big and small. So to stand there today while people say "you did something worth noticing" was hard for me, and truthfully really uncomfortable.

But today I tried my best to push past that, to take in what was going on and why. That I have done things others havent accomplished, that I do have a story that isn't common place and that it is ok for others to notice that.

The interesting part for me though is the parts of the day that others won't ever know about. Yeah the big deal from the outside was down on the field, but for me that was probably the least miraculous part of the day.
For me the little things today are what I noticed and what made me smile....

• Fitting in the seat at the stadium and not feeling like I was either squeezed in or spilling over into the people next to me (although I will admit I still worried about the second part and kept turning to not bump into the people on either side of me...that is "brain fat think" and not sure it ever goes away)
•  Walking down the stairs in the stadium which had no hand rails without falling on my face
•  Handling the three flights of stairs down to the field and back up without being totally overwhelmed or having to stop to rest
•  Being able to balance standing on the light rail all the way back
•  Having to squeeze between a pole and the wall on our way to get our tickets and not getting stuck or even slowing down
•  Being able to walk fast enough to keep up with people
•  Wearing a Vikings sweatshirt from a normal store in a normal size
•  Being seen with my trainer and not feeling like people were laughing at me and noticing only how fat I was comparably to him.

For me THESE were moments that took my breath away much more than standing on the field or seeing myself on the big screen. These are the battles I have fought to win! It has never been about publicity or fame, but about being normal, about not having my life controlled by my weight.

Am I all the way there, nope. I still looked at my pictures from today and cringed at my stomach and my chin, I still fought all the voices in my head last night and this morning about not eating before I went so I wouldnt look fat (sadly my eating disorder won that battle).

But despite that, when I stood there on the field and looked over and saw my trainer standing there I knew I had a lot to be proud of, of how far I have come, that I havent given up in this last year when things arent going as I want and just how lucky I am to have the ability to have people around me who keep me moving when I stall or start moving backwards, who genuinely care and do want to see me win this battle and who have stood by me even when I wasnt making the kind of progress I should be.

Today wasnt about all the fans or the recognition of others, it was about me having that chance to remember where I have come from, what I have accomplished and how lucky I am to have had the chance to walk with some really great people along this journey!

Another View from the Field.....

How many people in the world can say their first professional baseball game they got to stand on the field and have their story told. Very few. I figured last year when it happened at the new Twins stadium that I was one in a million. So I am guessing this year I become one in a zillion?

Because tomorrow my first time at a professional football game I get to re-live the same experience. I am being featured as Lifetime Fitness's "Fit Fan". My story of this entire journey (good and bad) will be in the game book, along with my pictures, I will be down on the field during a break in the second half while my story is told and will be giving away a LTF membership.

Ok so let me say right up front, not a huge football fan, but still am jazzed. The bottom line, this is an experience that few people get to have in their lives, and I have been blessed enough to have it twice!

Anyone who has read my blog knows this hasnt been an easy road, especially the last year or so, the scale isnt moving, and my eating disorder is winning a lot more than it should. But I am proud of the fact that I have hung in there. And I credit having my trainer with a lot of that, for not letting me give up the zillion times I have tried to, and lord knows I have tried and fought him on it *smile*.

As much as this is a recognition by LTF, I am also looking at it as a re-energization (is that a word?) that I really need. A lot of me has fought with should I even be doing this tomorrow, I am up about 15 lbs in the last month (my first real gain since I started this journey) and I a feeling far from a role model these days. But things happen for a reason at a time they are supposed to, and maybe standing there in front of 60,000 people hearing my story is what I need to get myself out of the rut I have been in for way too long.

When the LTF marketing person called me to ask me to do this, she didnt ask me because I have lost a ton of weight, but because my story is unique was her wording, and it is, and I need to remember others fight the plateaus, fight with food and eating disorders and that I am doing this tomorrow to represent THEM.

For anyone local who feels like taking in a game I would love the support, please let me know if you are at the game, no clue where our seats are at yet, but will hve my phone with me. Let me know you are there and I'll find you!

Btw for those who weren't in my life last year when I went to the Twins game here is the post of that experience http://totallypredictableunpredictability.blogspot.com/2010/08/important-lessons-you-can-learn-in-nine.html
I was one in a million.

The following pics are the ones I sent in for the playbook (not sure which they are using)...



February 2009



July 2009

December 2010

September 2011

The scary blue tarp....

“I have an empathy for horses, when something is scared for their life, I understand that.” - Buck Brannaman

The last few months have afforded me some really amazing experiences. It is hard to believe how many different horses I have ridden in just a few months, the things I have accomplished and how far I have come. It still stops me cold when I think about it. But last night trumps them all. While overall the event I was participating in, a trail riding clinic, was nothing unique or awe inspiring. I found in the middle of it a truly life altering moment.

The clinic was based around learning how to help your horse deal with the challenges they might encouter on a trail ride...crossing obstacles, needing to ground tie, moving objects tied to their saddle and packing.

One of the stations involved working with the horse until they would easily walk across a blue tarp on the ground. Until you've done it it sounds easy.

What few people realize, and what I am still coming to appreciate, is that despite the size of these mighty creatures, they are big babies. As prey animals they see the world as out to get them, their instinct is to flee first and ask questions later, everything is the enemy and safety trumps all. Emotions I get!

To a horse a blue tarp lying on the ground has the potential to be a mortal enemy. It is a different texture and feels weird on their feet, the color stands out against the brown sand, it makes noise and when you step on it...it moves. Death for sure! And when Cody saw it that was his first thought. Him being a school horse I actually thought this might be easier, he's pretty bombproof, but at heart he is still a horse. He saw it and he wanted to be anywhere but there. He started his natural behavior of turning, backing and activating his escape plan. My job, help him realize that this is safe, that we can do this and to trust me enough to not put him in harms way. This is where the moment became magical.

Watching Cody work through his fears gave me real insight into myself. After I worked him into at least checking it out, he sniffed it, he moved it with his foot, he took a tenative step on it. But between each of these he tried to flee. He was getting more comfortable but still wasnt ready to put his safety on the line. It might be ok, but why take the chance it isn't? Even 1% risk was more than made sense to him. Throughout it all I could see him thinking, processing, trying to make sense of it all, trying to understand why he should take the risk. And why was I asking him to do this.

Cody wasnt the only one facing a "blue tarp" yesterday. Like I said, in watching Cody face down his fears I saw a lot of my own. But in my case the blue tarp is food, and my goal of getting through 30 days of consistently eating the right foods and meeting my calorie goals!

I have been doing an awful lot of fleeing lately when it comes to eating, my weight and my fears. I wake up every day saying today I will face it down, I take a tenative step, but each time something spooks me I run, I go back to what is comfortable for me, either not eating or eating the wrong things. Like Cody, each step bring me closer, I try to learn from it, but in the end my need for safety overcomes the lesson. I want to succeed, I want to overcome this, I dont want to live in fear, I dont want to let down the people around me who keep telling me it is ok, that I need to do it, but somehow we still havent found the trick to keep me facing the goal like I have been taught to do with the horse.

I want the same success Cody found. By the end of our work he was not only walking, trotting and backing across the tarp, but did it with confidence and almost a look of "why was I so freaked over this, it's fun". A look I have had many times!

I just hope the people around me will come at this with me the way I did with Cody, with patience yet persistence. Letting him have his room to take those tenative steps, but never letting him give up and never giving up on him. Realizing that fleeing isnt quitting, it is just trying to find the courage to take the next step. Understanding that what seems a simple blue tarp sometimes feels like a dragon waiting to strike.

 I would like to believe someday I can get there with food and my body, but for now, I am still sniffing the edges and ready to bolt!

Have you seen the size of cowboys....

When I was first asked to go riding, my greatest fear wasn't falling, it was hurting the horse. That my weight would be too much for them. That I would step in the saddle and would be so heavy it would pull it off the horse's back was all I thought about.

And I will be honest, I still hesitate everytime I go to mount about the saddle moving because of my weight, but I have come to see it as worrying whether I have the girth tight enough for my weight, not for whether I am too heavy for the saddle or the horse.

Part of the reason, probably the only reason,  I am still riding today, and am so passionate about it, was that on that first day, my riding instructor, Etta, didnt see my weight. She matter of factly looked at me and said "Have you seen the size of cowboys" and in her mind that was that. 

I was a rider, not a number on a scale! I wish the rest of the world saw it so clearly!

I have learned two things about weight and riding in the last 12 weeks....one there is a lot of fat prejudice in the riding community and two there IS a horse out there for everyone to ride, regardless of your size, shape, physical issues. Riding is a totally accessible sport, no matter who you are, and the only ones that find the limits are the humans!

As a friend told me recently, horses dont care how pretty you are or how you look! But we tend to forget that and make judgements for the horses.

It would be easy for me to slip into thinking it is only prejudice against me, and truth I have gone there in the last few weeks. But then I am hit over the head with how it is everywhere. One of the most upsetting experiences I have had recently was sitting at a horse show and hearing another spectator say to the person with them, "God I feel sorry for that horse" as a plus size rider rode by. For the record the horse was MORE than large enough and the woman wasn't any bigger than me, yet these two people felt the need in a public forum to put down someone, who they didn't even know, who had the guts to go show and to follow their passion for no reason other than how it looked.

The ironic part to all this "fat talk" around riding, is that for me, the only time I don't think about my weight is when I am in the saddle. On the back of a horse I am just like everyone else, my body doesnt limit me in any way. It is also the one time the "noise" of my eating disorder isnt running through my head. And after I ride I have a much better relationship with food than I do when I have gone a while without riding. More than once while I was leasing Cheyenne when I was in place where eating was impossible I would pack my lunch and go sit and eat with her. Her lack of judgement of me allowed me to get past all that noise and stupidity I wrestle with around humans. And since ending my lease on her my food has been a mess again. I miss that safe place, but am working on finding another horse to have that soft landing spot with.

I have purposely up to now not blogged about the end of my lease on Cheyenne, I wasnt ready to go there, it has been a hard loss for me. But I feel today like I need to come clean, because my weight was part of the story. I said above, there is a horse out there for everyone to ride, but not every horse is for everyone. Often there are physical limitations of the horse that have to be considered. That was the case with Cheyenne. As an older horse she has back and arthritis issues, and very early on her owner started questioning if my riding her was too much for her. I'm not sure if we will ever really know that answer, how much was horse, how much was human. But for me even the question became dangerous, which is why I ended my lease. Not only out of love for Chey, if there was a 1% chance I was hurting her I would never willingly do that, but also because the question turned on the noise in my head. Every time she mis-stepped I started beating myself up. Every time she didnt want to head down a trail I jumped immediately past it being her being herd sour to it being she doesn't want to carry my weight that far. I found on my rides with her I was still in that dark place, and I couldn't do that to myself. As much as I loved her and still miss her, riding has to stay a positive for me. And watching her owner check her back the second I stepped off, having multiple discussions about how maybe she needed a lighter rider turned on a tape in my head that wasnt sending me in the right direction.

But with all that said, I would be lying if I said walking away has been easy. I have spent the weeks since making the decision in a terrible place with my eating. I have jumped back into ED behaviors I havent fought for 15 years. It hurts knowing that I had to give up something/someone I loved so much merely because I am fat, because I cant seem to lose these last 50 lbs. It has tanked my self esteem big time.

My saving grace has been my riding instructor and the horses at Woodloch. I have been given time with horses far beyond my lessons and just been reminded over and over, that it doesn't matter that one horse wasnt right for me, that there are a million horses out there who are. That I don't need to walk away from my passion because of all this, and also that so much of this is in people's heads not the horse's bodies!

Tomorrow I am going trail riding with a few friends, we will be everything in size and shape from little skinny to big and bearish. The horses will range from tiny to draft. And not one of those horses will care what we look like, how we are dressed, or what the number on the scale says. To them we will all be the same clueless humans who dont get that the grass and the butterflies are their mortal enemies and are going to eat us all alive. And I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!