Tuesday, April 17, 2012

When you think you can't......you can't. But when you want, you will...

"Tell me it can't be done, and I will do it. Tell me the goal is too high, and I will reach it. Place an obstacle in front of me, and I will soar over it. Challenge me, Dare me, But do NOT underestimate me. For on the back of my horse ANYTHING is possible."

I am so pitifully behind in updating this blog. Life seems to be busier than ever and I guess because I am overall handling life better I am here venting less. Life is good right now, life is crazy right now, life is pretty surreal right not.

First the obligatory update - I am still losing the weight battle, I am up about 35 lbs from my lowest. I am still going to the gym, still seeing the trainer 3 times a week and added a TEAM Weight Loss class. But despite all that I am still moving backwards. I still believe in my heart of hearts that there is still something more medically that we are missing. The thyroid meds aren't stemming the weight loss so there has to be more. I am frustrated and scared and saddened on this front, the fact that we cant stop the gain has me terrified that I will continue back to where I started, and have considered giving up the fight multiple times, but luckily I have a personal trainer who doesn't give up when I do, so still fighting the war.

My weight is probably my only real complaint at this moment, otherwise my life is incredibly exciting these days, and totally unexpected. This weekend is my first horse show!!!!! I have to admit for as much as I have prepared for it, and for as many times as I have said it, that hasn't really registered yet in my brain that it is real! I have done all the shopping (Joker has some great new show duds) and I am practiced my heart out, but yet it all still seems so far out of something I would ever do that I can't make it real yet.

I also can't seem to make real the amazing amount of love and support people, some pretty much strangers, have shown me on this journey. Heck the woman who works at the deli counter at the grocery story asked if she could come (she asks me ever time she sees me how riding is going), I have clients who want to come, I have a friend flying in from NC to be there, and on top of those there in person I have an entire herd of show moms on Facebook who will be there in spirit. A friend pointed it out the other night, how amazing it is how many people are rallying around me for this show. Quite frankly at times I am spooked by it, letting people in has never been a strength of mine but at the same time I believe it is part of the lesson I am meant to learn this summer and am trying to embrace it.

I would be lying if I didn't say I was having nerves about the show, but ironically they aren't about riding. On that front I am good with knowing I have trained my butt off, that Joker and I will give it our best and the result will be what it is.

My nerves are my old demons, weight and insecurities. The closer the show gets the more I worry about how I look. I am fighting more and more to eat, I am freaking out about what to wear. I am very glad my best friend Kaye will be here the rest of this week, because truthfully without someone here I can see myself bailing on the show over nothing more than issues about my weight. Its hard knowing all those people will be looking at me, and in my mind judging how fat I am. But I have to keep trying to remind myself that is all only in my head. It is this great irony of being overwhelmed by all the love and support around me, and yet at the same time feeling totally unworthy of it.

The good news is that no matter what, I know I have the best partner in the world going into the ring with me Sunday morning. With Joker there by my side I now realize I can do ANYTHING!!!!!!! And I know that he and I have a HUGE surprise in store for most of the people in my life (3 special people already know). An accomplishment that far outreaches in my mind any blue ribbon I could ever win.

Curious???? Feel free to come watch the show. It starts at 9am Sunday April 22nd at Woodloch Stables in Hugo MN. For those that cant make it I promise to try to remember to blog afterwards!

1 comment:

  1. What is the surprise? Good luck. I am sure you will do well.