Wednesday, November 9, 2011
The Second Time Around...
The topic has been on my mind for a long time, I have been fighting with myself over this for over a year now, but for many reasons, I have said precious little in this blog about where I am at. Partially because I feel like I am failing and am embarrassed by that, partially because I have heard the word "inspiration" so many times over my weight loss that I am afraid of letting people done, or trying to keep my head in the sand. But a Facebook post this morning by a friend on the same topic has me ready to face it, at least for the moment. Thanks Paul, this is for you.
The topic, the reality of weight loss after it has long stopped being easy, when the scale starts to creep up again and you feel helpless to stop it or to get back on track, but need to.
I have been fighting this battle for about a year now...for about 10 months I bounced around in the same ten pounds, between 210 and 220. And then the scale started climbing. Today my weight stands around 240 lbs (havent weighed myself in about 10 days so not exactly sure the number but guessing that is about where it is).
I could sit here and list a ton of reasons, but as my trainer points out to me periodically, they would be nothing but excuses. The reasons may be true...eating disorder noise, work stress, lack of self confidence, and on and on...but as true as they are, they are excuses. Convenient excuses to hide what weight loss for those of us who are truly over weight, a decision that we are worth the effort (ours and other people's), that we deserve success, that we are worth believing in and that we are valuable./
Paul asked me this morning how I would address this if I was starting fresh, if I didnt have the history of having lost the 100 or so pounds. His question stopped me cold, because I realized, I dont know what made that change in me the first time, and it is probably why I have struggled the last year to get back there. I dont know how I did it the first time. It feels looking back more like a fluke than something I purposely did.
I can look back at the first year of my weight loss journey and I see myself as a person I never was before then and havent been since. I read my posts on here and it is like reading another's story. The biggest thing I see is that I let other people walk along with me, and I have lost that ability again to let people in and admit I can't do this alone. I look back at the people I had with me when this all started...my trainer, so many people on staff at LTF, other people losing weight there, the readers on here, my friends on FB, other friends. And I saw myself doing something I had never done up to that point, letting others in. But in the last year I have moved so far away from that, I have gone back to trying to take on the journey myself, and not knowing how to let people walk with me, even when they want to. And I haven't moved a step forward.
The great irony to saying that, is that at this point I am actually surrounded by better people than I was when I was losing weight. I have an amazing trainer who has tirelessly beat his head against a wall with me for 16 months, an ED therapist who tries so hard yet I still keep at a distance, friends who want to help and who I know logically would do anything I asked them to help me. Yet I dont know how to let any of them in the same way I did before, and that is about ME not them. And if I dig deep enough I think that is a big part of where I have stalled. Because another reality for those of us who have struggled with our weight our whole lives or grew up with abuse is we measure our worth, as wrong as it, by those around us. And what made me believe in myself for the year I was losing weight, was others' belief in me, others telling me I was worth it, and for the first time in my life I believed what I was hearing. But I dont know why or how. I dont know right now how to believe in myself to meet the goals I need to, and I dont know how to believe in what I am hearing from those around me that got me going when I didnt feel it before.
I guess the big question I have to face, that I have avoided the last year, isnt how to get the scale to drop. But how do I get back to believing I am worth the effort, that I am worth making the right choices for. Because that is most likely the root to how I got things going in the right direction before.
Sadly as I said at the begining of this post, I dont have my answer. But at least for the first time in a year, I feel like I know the question.