Monday, June 20, 2011

I don't really know how I got here, but I'm sure glad that I did.....

"I don't really know how I got here
But I'm sure glad that I did
And it's crazy to think that one little thing
Could've changed all of it

Maybe it didn't turn out like I planned
Maybe that's why I'm such, such a lucky man...

All the fights and the tears and the heartache
I thought I'd never get through
And the moment I almost gave up
All lead me here to you

I didn't understand it way back when
But sitting here right now it all makes perfect sense"
This - Darius Rucker

If you think about all the moments in life that if one step changed our whole lives would be different it can be really overwhelming.

There are so many times when we wish things could have turned out different than they did....I wish I had had a different type of family growing up, I wish I hadn't gotten sick, I wish I hadn't had the nerve damage,  wish I hadnt moved from the East coast, I wish certain people hadn't left my life, I wish I wasn't battling an eating disorder....but then there are days like yesterday where despite your religious or philosophical views of the world, you have to stand back and realize there are greater powers in play in the world and that things always turn out perfectly, even if we don't see that! That things happen for a reason, even if that reason seems to allude us.

If I tried to put all the steps together for you that lead to me meeting Missi and Cheyenne yesterday we would be here forever. The short version, when I moved to MN I met Tina, my cat "Nanny", she introduced me to Kathy who cleans my house once a month, then I met Janet in my Business Analysis class, Janet pushed me to try horseback riding, Kathy is a horse person and I started hanging out with her and her horse Abi after I realized horses were the calming hobby my trainer Nick had told me to search for, Kathy and I talked about me looking for a lease horse at some point, Kathy knows Missi, Missi's daughter doesn't ride Cheyenne as much anymore and Missi mentioned to Kathy that she was looking to lease Cheyenne, Kathy talked to Missi about me and yesterday Cheyenne trotted into my life! And that is the short version *smile*.

Cheyenne has her own story, she was a rescued abused race horse in need of love. She came into Missi's life in almost as amazing a story as me meeting her yesterday....a horse met in the dark and a face from a dream. Cheyenne has been part of Missi's life for 8 years and has seen her through her ups and downs and been her friend, companion and therapist. And now she has journeyed into my life when I needed her most.

The first thing I noticed about this 20 year old Standardbred mare was the look in her eyes. I couldn't put my finger on it until I looked back at the pictures I took of her yesterday, but she knows. She knows she is needed, she knows she has a purpose in life. That she is more than a pet, more than an animal to ride. Cheyenne knows that she fills a special place in the world. She knows that there are humans she is meant to heal. And I believe she knew yesterday she was meeting me for a reason. For having been ridden by a very few people since Missi adopted her she let me ride her as if we had always known each other, something very rare in horses.

Missi kept saying to me yesterday that Cheyenne likes to teach people. I can see in her eyes how much this beautiful Bay has to teach me, about life, about trust, about ceding control. That many of the secrets I have looked for solutions to in the world don't come from us "twofers" and that that many of my fears and insecurities I need to conquer are going to become part of my time with Cheyenne.
I have to admit part of what has been scaring me about the idea of leasing a horse (which is where the owner maintains control of the horse and you are allotted a certain number of days a week to ride) was knowing that I will become attached and fall in love with something that is not mine forever. That at some point Cheyenne and I will part ways, but I think that is one of the biggest lessons for to learn from her. I struggle with that on a daily basis in my life, worrying about losing people, about when they will walk away and getting so bogged down in that fear and worry that I miss out on the time I have with them. That instead of enjoying today I worry about tomorrow. One of my biggest goals during my time with Cheyenne is to not let that become my focus. Up until now everything I have done with horses has beeen a grounding time for me, keeping me in the moment not worrying about the future and what might happen, and I need to keep that front and center during my time with Cheyenne. Her time in my life is finite, and I need to find every moment of joy in it I can.
I can't even start to thank all the people who have played a part in this new chapter in my life. I don't really know how to express to those around me how much they change my life. They are words I have never really figured out, I just hope they know! I hope they can see it in my eyes!
But there is one little girl I want to thank specifically, who I haven't even met yet, Vanessa, Missi's daughter. Missi shared with me how torn Vanessa is on leasing Cheyenne. And I get that. I can't imagine sharing any of my cats with someone else. Vanessa, I just want you to know how grateful I am to you for letting Cheyenne spend time with me. That I will love her completely and do everything I can to make sure she is taken care of as well as you take care of her. You sharing her with me is changing my life and I will always be remember you for that.

1 comment:

  1. Finding something in your life that takes you totally away from the day-to-day grind of work and bills and responsibilities is a God-send. For me it was (and still is) music and being on stage. Everything else disappears, even when I'm just working on new material in my living room. I'm so glad you found Cheyenne and the people around her. You deserve this. In fact, we all deserve to have a peaceful place in the middle of the race/maze we call life. Be well.