Sunday, April 3, 2011

Stuck in reverse....

I had a really interesting shopping experience yesterday, I was looking for business clothes appropriate for giving presentations in front of large groups, so dress or skirt or suit type clothes. With where I am at these days with my views on my body shopping is not something I really enjoy, but it had to be done. As usual that meant a trip to the outlet mall. It was probably the least enjoyable shopping I have done in the last 16 months (well of course except for the shoe shopping part *smile* nothing messes up shoe shopping).

I just am not happy with where I am at physically, how I look and that mindset makes clothes look a lot worse to me, no matter how good they look to other people.

In the end I found a dress, a pair of pink capris, a few pairs of pants (all the same style but different colors) and a shirt. They work, others think they look ok. But I am really struggling with them, because of the size. The pants/capris were a 16. A year ago getting into a 16 was a dream I never thought I would reach, the day I got there I felt I had won the lottery. I blogged on here about it . Pictures went up on Facebook. It fle like a miracle. But 8 months later, it doesnt feel so great. I have made no real progress in that time, and while my body is somewhat in the same place (I have lost about 30 lbs since then, but not around my waist which is why I am the same size) my brain feels like I have gone backwards!

As I looked today at the clothes today that I bought I was really struggling trying to be happy about them, I logically know I should be so thrilled to be able to buy that size. But I just couldn't get there. So I decided to drag out my "before clothes" thinking maybe if I laid the new clothes on top of them I could see it. It has worked before. Today, not so much. I found myself slipping into "there isnt that much difference" or "there isnt enough difference" instead of that "wow" I used to get at comparisons.

Its so frustrating. I know on one level how hard I have worked, how far I have come, but on the emotional level I am not connecting to it any more. Its funny, I always thought if I found the theoretical genie in a bottle my wishes would be to move my life forward, but I think instead right now, I would wish to go back 16 months...just for one remember how hard life was, how miserable I was then, to reconnect to where I came from, in hopes it would help me refind the value in where I am today, because I have lost hold of it. And my greatest fear, if I dont find a way to value where I am at now, I will start slipping back physically to where I was then!!!!!

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