Saturday, December 4, 2010

Snow Angels and Brain Fat

I had a great day in North Carolina today with my friend Kaye and her family. I came down here to escape the nasty weather at home in Minnesota, but it appears (according to everyone else) I brought it with me. A really freak December snow storm hit NC today and about 2" is anticipated here around Raleigh. So much for being here to enjoy the sun, but it was still a good day with some laughs and even snow angels.

Many times throughout the day today it crossed my mind how different my life is than it was a year ago. While it is something I try not to talk about too often, as it is hard for people to get, I have those thoughts every day. Small simple things amaze me, things other people take for granted, like being able to walk down a flight of steps with a cat carrier in my hand, are a huge deal for me. Walking in the snow without fearing with each step falling is for me as great as winning a nobel prize. There is very little I do day to day that I don't remember how different things are.

Yet for as much as I know I have changed and my body has changed. I still struggle to be ok with where I am now. I had a hard week with that, but really want to focus on today and come back to the other parts later.

I know I have lost an amazing amount of weight in a small time. A friend reminded me tonight that the 124 pounds I have lost since I last saw her is what she weighs. And I am proud of what I have done. And logically I know I have come so far. Yet I realized today, I still am not ok with where I am at even now.

Despite the fact that I am what some would call and acceptable weight (214 on the scale Friday) - I don't btw. I realized it when I was posting some pictures tonight that I still have major issues with how I look and how heavy I am. But I am no longer sure if it is really that I am not ok with what is truly in the picture or just what I see, is this really more about not seeing me as I am now than it is not liking where I am at.

The thoughts all started as I was posting pictures on FB from today. I realized that lately I only post comparison pictures, because when I look at the actual pictures I am so unhappy with what I see. I look at myself and I see fat, I see obese, I see ugly. But I can make myself ok with sharing that if I can say to the world "but I'm not as bad as I used to be". That without realizing it I was rationalizing myself to the world and more so to myself.

I actually thought I had become happier with myself and my body and now I wonder if I have just been tricking myself to a place of comfort, despite being miserably uncomfortable. Every picture I looked at today I found fault chin looks fat, my pants don't fit right, you can see how fat my stomach is in that shirt, I look like a whale laying in the snow. I wasn't willing to share any of them at first. But as soon as I found appropriate "befores" to put them with I was willing to share them, because it made how I look acceptable, better than before.

If I am honest about things that have been going on lately, I have probably been doing this in other areas of my physical life also. I am not ok with how my cardio is going, but I don't need to push harder because it is so much better than a year ago and that should be enough. I am backing off on some of my goals or bailing on them all together, but that is ok because I am doing more than I was before, so that should be acceptable.

But it's not! I need to find that next step. I need to move past where I have come from and get to where I am going. No more comparison photos everytime, only at major milestones. As for the goal and my cardio, more on that in the next post.

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