Have you seen the size of cowboys....

When I was first asked to go riding, my greatest fear wasn't falling, it was hurting the horse. That my weight would be too much for them. That I would step in the saddle and would be so heavy it would pull it off the horse's back was all I thought about.

And I will be honest, I still hesitate everytime I go to mount about the saddle moving because of my weight, but I have come to see it as worrying whether I have the girth tight enough for my weight, not for whether I am too heavy for the saddle or the horse.

Part of the reason, probably the only reason,  I am still riding today, and am so passionate about it, was that on that first day, my riding instructor, Etta, didnt see my weight. She matter of factly looked at me and said "Have you seen the size of cowboys" and in her mind that was that. 

I was a rider, not a number on a scale! I wish the rest of the world saw it so clearly!

I have learned two things about weight and riding in the last 12 weeks....one there is a lot of fat prejudice in the riding community and two there IS a horse out there for everyone to ride, regardless of your size, shape, physical issues. Riding is a totally accessible sport, no matter who you are, and the only ones that find the limits are the humans!

As a friend told me recently, horses dont care how pretty you are or how you look! But we tend to forget that and make judgements for the horses.

It would be easy for me to slip into thinking it is only prejudice against me, and truth I have gone there in the last few weeks. But then I am hit over the head with how it is everywhere. One of the most upsetting experiences I have had recently was sitting at a horse show and hearing another spectator say to the person with them, "God I feel sorry for that horse" as a plus size rider rode by. For the record the horse was MORE than large enough and the woman wasn't any bigger than me, yet these two people felt the need in a public forum to put down someone, who they didn't even know, who had the guts to go show and to follow their passion for no reason other than how it looked.

The ironic part to all this "fat talk" around riding, is that for me, the only time I don't think about my weight is when I am in the saddle. On the back of a horse I am just like everyone else, my body doesnt limit me in any way. It is also the one time the "noise" of my eating disorder isnt running through my head. And after I ride I have a much better relationship with food than I do when I have gone a while without riding. More than once while I was leasing Cheyenne when I was in place where eating was impossible I would pack my lunch and go sit and eat with her. Her lack of judgement of me allowed me to get past all that noise and stupidity I wrestle with around humans. And since ending my lease on her my food has been a mess again. I miss that safe place, but am working on finding another horse to have that soft landing spot with.

I have purposely up to now not blogged about the end of my lease on Cheyenne, I wasnt ready to go there, it has been a hard loss for me. But I feel today like I need to come clean, because my weight was part of the story. I said above, there is a horse out there for everyone to ride, but not every horse is for everyone. Often there are physical limitations of the horse that have to be considered. That was the case with Cheyenne. As an older horse she has back and arthritis issues, and very early on her owner started questioning if my riding her was too much for her. I'm not sure if we will ever really know that answer, how much was horse, how much was human. But for me even the question became dangerous, which is why I ended my lease. Not only out of love for Chey, if there was a 1% chance I was hurting her I would never willingly do that, but also because the question turned on the noise in my head. Every time she mis-stepped I started beating myself up. Every time she didnt want to head down a trail I jumped immediately past it being her being herd sour to it being she doesn't want to carry my weight that far. I found on my rides with her I was still in that dark place, and I couldn't do that to myself. As much as I loved her and still miss her, riding has to stay a positive for me. And watching her owner check her back the second I stepped off, having multiple discussions about how maybe she needed a lighter rider turned on a tape in my head that wasnt sending me in the right direction.

But with all that said, I would be lying if I said walking away has been easy. I have spent the weeks since making the decision in a terrible place with my eating. I have jumped back into ED behaviors I havent fought for 15 years. It hurts knowing that I had to give up something/someone I loved so much merely because I am fat, because I cant seem to lose these last 50 lbs. It has tanked my self esteem big time.

My saving grace has been my riding instructor and the horses at Woodloch. I have been given time with horses far beyond my lessons and just been reminded over and over, that it doesn't matter that one horse wasnt right for me, that there are a million horses out there who are. That I don't need to walk away from my passion because of all this, and also that so much of this is in people's heads not the horse's bodies!

Tomorrow I am going trail riding with a few friends, we will be everything in size and shape from little skinny to big and bearish. The horses will range from tiny to draft. And not one of those horses will care what we look like, how we are dressed, or what the number on the scale says. To them we will all be the same clueless humans who dont get that the grass and the butterflies are their mortal enemies and are going to eat us all alive. And I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!

Beyond Words....

The wait is measured in weeks,
Then days,
Then hours.

I watch the clock,
is it too soon to go?

Every milestone brings me closer,

35, 14, 61.

I know the steps by heart.

Left at the church,

Through the light,
Past the gas station,

Past the 40 flavors of brats.

150, 160, 165,

A calm comes over me.

I see the sign,

left at 170th,

the world starts to slip away.

Wooden panel,

visitors welcome,
the front pastures come into view.

The routines the same.

Turn off the radio,
Shut out the world,
Into the driveway.

I'm where I belong.

Nothing else matters.

The dance begins,
Lead rope, halter, find my partner.

A nuzzle, a kiss, and its all alright.

The smells, the feelings,

It is better than any drug they can make.

We go through our routine,

Brush, pick, saddle, bridle,

Each step I become more anxious

and more relaxed at the same time.

In between,

Kisses,
Running my hand over strong muscles and through beautiful mane.

Sneaking treats and setting tack,

the world doesn't matter.

My last worry,
My last fight,
My internal battle.
Mounting.

Stupid voices run through my head,
Telling me I shouldn't,
Telling me I'm too fat,
Telling me it's a bad idea,
It's always there.

Somedays I fight through the noise on my own,
other days with help and reassure.

In the saddle and the world is gone.

Tall, proud, in control, relaxed.
In an instant I am transformed.
The strength below me flows into me,
I am strong, I am normal,
I am worthy, I belong.

Somedays we ride in circles.
Trying to find a rhythm.
Trying not to confuse each other,
Trying to learn each others cues.

Other days we escape.

Through the woods,

Through the fields,
The world does not exist,
These are the rides I dream of.

We walk,
We trot,
I am running,
I am free.

Too soon time has flown,
We head for the barn.
I dont want it to end.

Your muscles tense,
We're headed home.
You want to run.
To race to rejoin your world.

My muscles tense,
We're headed home.
I want you to crawl.

To slow rejoining mine.

We end our dance,

And we walk back toward reality.

I feel the tension,

The world is back.

Dismount,

Bridle, halter, saddle,

Brushes,

and another treat.

We say our good byes,

You celebrate
And run for your friends.

I stand and mourn.

Knowing that the wait starts again,

Measured in weeks,
Days,
Hours.

I forgot to remember I am "broken".....

I think I say this every time, but tonight truly was the best riding lesson I have had yet. It was my third ride on Cody and thanks to some explanation on his movements from my instructor I really started to enjoy trotting with him, and more importantly felt secure doing it. Switching between horses was more of a change than I expected,  but once she helped me realize what I was perceiving as me being out of balance was actually normal for the difference between him and Snapper  I stopped worrying so much and really enjoyed the ride.

BTW for those not on FB trying to figure out why I switched, I "graduated" off Snapper *sniff sniff* and on to Cody. It was a bittersweet change, I am ecstatic I am making progress but Snapper will always be "my guy" and it is weird being on another horse and watching others ride him. I did sneak him some treats tonight, he'll always have my heart even if my saddle is elsewhere! But I have to admit, Cody is more fun to ride!

It is hard to believe it has only been about 12 weeks now I have been riding, I cant remember life without horses (nor can I imagine ever being that way again) but being the Type A, over achiever, perfectionist I am, I of course questioned my instructor on if I was where I should be. Especially since I have switched reining styles now 3 times between horses (neck to direct and now back to neck) and feel like my hands are a "hot mess" at times. She had some really nice feedback and for once I actually believed someone was being honest with me and not just blowing smoke, but so much more happened in that conversation. For the first time in 15 years I actually forgot I am "broken" (my right side).

As Etta was going over my progress she pointed out that I was ahead of where many adults are who don't have my physical challenges. And as bizarre as this is going to sound (and it was to me when I realized it). For a brief moment I had no clue what she meant by my challenges. I actually had to stop and remind myself about the nerve damage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was in that moment that I realized how much riding has changed me, to my core. As I thought about it during the rest of the lesson, it hit me, I haven't thought about my right side issues and riding in weeks, probably since the lesson early on where we worked on mounting. When I am in the saddle I no longer think about do I squeeze unevenly or am I not kicking as well on one side, or any of that. I truly think of myself as a normal rider, and for me that is BEYOND huge.

And as I pondered that change, it hit me, that while riding was the trigger for this, it hasn't stopped there. I knew I had changed in the gym lately also, wanting to try new things, wanting to see what my body would do (like our tire adventure on Tuesday) but what I hadn't pieced together, was that I no longer consider my right side in the equation!

Don't get me wrong, there are still things about my body I find challenging and frustrating...my balance isn't what I would like it to be, I cant move my feet and legs fast enough (something Snapper and I seem to have in common...LOL), I have an immense fear of falling. But the difference, when I come against those challenges now, I just see them as part of my body, I don't think about one side versus the other, and more than that, I don't think of them as being the result of the nerve damage, and I haven't in a while now.

I wont lie, the weight is taking me longer to not think about. I still have that moment every time I mount the horse, where I make someone check the girth, not because I don't think I have it tight enough, but because in my mind I still weigh too much and fear stepping into the stirrup and pulling the saddle off the horse.  And I still struggle with it in the gym, when my trainer goes to help me with something my first thought is I am going to hurt him if he has to catch me. But I can honestly say once I am on Cody or Snapper, even my weight goes away. I don't think about it, I forget I weigh over 200 lbs or that there are people who think I am too fat to ride.

Once I am in that saddle I am normal, I am just like everyone else and after 15 years of living as the outsider, that is a greater gift than I could have ever asked for!

Today I truly forgot to remember I am "broken" and never thought that moment would come!!!!!!

It's not the same....it's just not the same.....

I love my friends, they try to say the right things when I am hurting. But there is one thing I just can't stay quiet about anymore. Whenever I am hurting over something related to my weight, like I am right now, all the thin people in my world want to tell me they know how I feel because they were teased growing up for being too skinny.

As much as I get that everyone has their pain, that bullying is bullying and hurts no matter why it is happening. It isn't the same being too thin as being too heavy. Skinny people are teased, questioned, sometimes even pitied or accused of being unhealthy, but heavy people are not just teased and ridiculed, we are also judged. By people who have never met us, by people who know nothing about our behaviors, our health issues or our story.

I had originanlly planned this post only to go in my personal blog, but decided to put it here for everyone to see, in support of the other people in my life who I know share the pain I have....I am posting this here for those that do truly get it because they have lived it.

It's not the Same....

I know you care,
I know you want to make my heart stop hurting,
I know you believe our pain is the same,
but it's not the same, it's just not.

While you were questioned, teased, or bullied
for being a skinny child or a thin teen,
your story is very different than mine,
it's not the same, it's just not.

You were told by your parents no one would ever love you because of your weight,
You were never mocked by your father for making the house shake when you tried to exercise,
You were never told by your favorite uncle that when you walked above him in his house it sounded like an elephant,
it's not the same, it's just not.

You never had to skip trying out for a sports team or a play or taking ballet for no other reason than they didn't make the uniforms and costumes in a size you could wear,
You never had to stay home while your friends went to the amusement park because you couldnt fit on the rides,
You never had to stand and watch while your friends played on their big wheels or toy cars because if you sat on them they would break,
it's not the same, it's just not.

You have never sat on a bench and had it flip over when the person on the other end got up,
You have never had a lawn chair break under you in front of your friends,
You have never had people make fun of how your car tilts to one side when you are in it,
it's not the same, it's just not.

You have never had to face the look of someone coming down the aisle on an airplane who realizes you are the "passenger of size" in the seat next to them,
Or watch when they go tell the flight attendant they want to sit somewhere else,
You have never returned a rental car because you cant fit behind the wheel, or fear getting on an airplane because the belt wont fit,
it's not the same, it's just not.

You have never had to drive yourself to the hospital with a life threatening illness, because you knew the paramedics couldnt easily carry you down the three flights of stairs,
You have never had a doctor refuse to diagnose what is truly wrong with you because they are too busy blaming it on your weight,
You have never been too big to fit in the MRI machine or a wheelchair,
it's not the same, it's just not.

You have never had someone see you eating desert and comment on how you dont need that, without knowing anything about you,
You have never had some critique the food in your grocery cart despite them having the same in theirs,
You have never had people assume all you do is eat, when you havent eaten in days to try to drop a couple pounds,
it's not the same, it's just not.

You have never had to fear learning to ride because you are afraid stepping in the saddle might pull it off the horse,
You have never passed up riding a friend's horse, because you cant sit in their saddle,
And most of all you have never had to say good-bye to a piece of your heart, your best friend, because your weight is too much for her to bear.
IT'S NOT THE SAME, IT'S JUST NOT!!!!!!!!!!

Snapper Photos

"A horse is the projection of people's dreams  about themselves; strong, powerful, beautiful and it has the capability of giving us escape from our mundane existance" Pam Brown

Chrysalis...

This story is published in "Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover's Soul" and was written by Jennie Ivey.

I read it and cried and cried, because in so many ways this is MY story. Thank you to Etta for being my "Pat" and to Snapper for being my "Buttermilk"

"Ellen was a fat girl.
She didn't start out that way. but by the time she was halfway through elementary school her lack of coordination and competitive spirit had made her the laughing stock of her more athletic peers.

No matter the game, Ellen was alway chosen last. Chosen last in kickball, because she couldn't catch or run. Chosen last in badminton, because she had never once managed to hit the birdie over the net. Chosen last in red rover, a game even a klutz ought to be able to play>

Junior High was worse.
There was a real physical education class instead of mere playground games, and every day Ellen suffered the indignation of not being able to shoot a basketball through a hoop or skip rope without tripping or even perform a respectable side-straddle hop.

And so she turned to food for comfort.
By the time she started high school at age fourteen, five foot five Ellen was tipping the scales at almost 200 pounds.

Her family's efforts to help her lose weight did no good. She turned up her nose a the special salads her mother fixed for her. She refused her father's invitations to take brisk walks with him. She ignored her sister's warning that a girl her size would never have a boyfriend.

Ellen would toss her head and roll her eyes at her family. Then she'd grab a bag of potato chips or a box of cookies and flounce on the recliner in the den, where she's spend hours lost in the pages of a book.

More than anything, she loved to read about horses. And that's what finally gave Ellen's father a brilliant idea.

'There's a woman at work who's loookinng for a stable hand' he told Ellen one evening. 'Someone to feed her horses and clean the stalls and things like that. I told her you might be interested in the job.'

'She wouldn't want me', Ellen replied.
'Why not?'
'Because I have never been near a horse'
'I told her that. But I also told her you've been reading about them all your life. She's willing to teach you everything from the ground up. And she's offered to pay minimum wage and let you ride whenever you want'

Ride? Ellen's heart beat faster. Somebody was actually offering to let her ride a real horse?

Don't be silly, the voice inside her whispered. Had Dad not told this woman that his daughter was a clumsy tub of lard who could barely keep her balance on a bicycle?
No way would she be strong or coordinated enough to ride a horse. And pity the poor animal that had to carry her weight on his back.

'I told her we'd drop by her place Saturday morning to see about it' her father said.
So that was that.

Pat Cunningham lived on a small farm not far from town.
Dressed in jeans and cowboy boots, she was waiting for Ellen and her father as they pulled into the gravel driveway.

'So you're the girl who loves horses' she said to Ellen, smiling and holding out her hand. 'C'mon lets me show you around'

She lead Ellen to the barn and gestured toward a wheel-barrow and manure fork. 'Every day, these stalls have to be mucked out and then spread with fresh sawdust. The water and feed buckets get scrubbed and filled, the tack room swept and tidied, the gates and fences checked. Think you're up to it?'

'Um...I guess so' Ellen stammered.
'Good,' Pat replied. 'The school bus comes right by here every afternoon. When you're done with the chores I'll run you home in my truck'
'Where are the horses' Ellen asked shyly.
'Oh yes the horses' Pat said. She gave a long, low whistle and within seconds, two beautiful horses trotted up to the barnyard gate.

Pat pointed to the bay gelding. 'That's Thunder. Don't let his name scare you. He's as gentle as a lamb. And the sweet mare beside him is Buttermilk. Which one do you want to ride first?'

Before Ellen could protest, Pat had the horses hitched to the fence posts.
She showed Ellen how to lift their feet and use a hoof pick to dislodge sticks  and rocks from around their shoes.
She showed her how to use their currycomb and finishing brush and how to remove cockleburrs from their manes.
Finally she showed her how to pu on blanket and saddle, bridle and bit

'I'd like you to ride at least one of them every day you're here,' Pat said 'Both, if you have time. They really need the exercise'

Ellen felt tears welling up in her eyes. How could she tell this kind woman that she was nothing but a fat girl who had no earthly idea how to ride a horse?

'But, I've never...never actually been on a horse. All I've ever done is read about them.'
'Then it's high time you learned', Pat said. 'Stand there beside buttermilk and put your left foot in the stirrup. Then bounce a couple of times on your right foot and spring into the saddle'

But try as she might, Ellen couldn't stretch her leg high enough to get her foot anywhere near the stirrup.
'Hold on a second' Pat told her. 'Let's try the milk crate'. She fetched it from the barn and helped Ellen climb into onto Buttermilk's broad back.

'There are a couple things to remember. Heels down. Hands on the reins like so. Relax. This is supposed to be fun! Now follow me.'
Pat swung into Thunder's saddle and headed toward the pasture. Buttermilk followed, with Ellen gripping the reins so tightly that her knuckles turned white.
But it didn't take her long before she began to relax. Pat was right. This was fun. In fact, Ellen couldn't remember when she'd ever had such a good time.

Pat showed her how to go from a walk to a trot, and promised that she'd be cantering in just a short time. 'You're a natural' she told Ellen. 'I'm sure lucky to have run across you.'

So Ellen became a stablehand. Every day after school, she cleaned stalls and scrubbed buckets and swept the floor of the tack room. After that she rode. Some days she rode Thunder. Other days she rode Buttermilk. On good days she rode them both.

As the days turned into weeks and the weeks to months, Ellen the fat grils slowly evolved into Ellen the equestrian. Her flab became muscle and her clumsiness, grace. She glowed with self-confidence that was obvious to all around her.

It was near the end of the school year when a heavyset girl sat down beside Ellen on the bus one afternoon.
'My name is Stacy. I hear you work with horses' the girl said hesitantly. 'Do you need an assisitant? I've never ridden before, but I read abou horses all the time.'
'Why dont you get off here with me and we'll go talk to my boss' Ellen said, smiling to herself. She was pretty sure what Pat's answer would be.
'We're lucky to have run across you, Stacey. Who do you want to ride first - Thunder or Buttermilk"

Photo Shoot with Cheyenne....

I was lucky enough to get to have photos done of Cheyenne and I, by Bailey at B. Olson Photography. This is a just a sneak peak of the amazing photos she took!!!!

Riding through life with looser reigns.....

"There are times when you can trust a horse, times when you can't and times when you have to..."

Everything I read, everyone I talk to, tells me that how you are in life is how you ride your horse. That horses reflect back who we are at our core. I had heard the comment, but I hadn't taken it to heart, even though it was happening right in front of my face, with both Snapper and Cheyenne. And even in my interactions with one of Cheyenne's pasture mates.

The first piece of the puzzle happened last week during my riding lesson on Snapper. Snapper is usually not the most ...ummm...motivated...horse. He has it in him, I have seen him run, he is a talented smart horse, but he chooses most of the time to give only what you push him to give. Like I said, he's smart, why work harder than his rider makes him. And as a newbie, I was ok with that most of the time. Slow, safe, controlled. They make me feel good. So I was a little caught off guard last week when Snapper decided on our trail ride to show me what he was capable of (well some of it, I know he has more) and actually pick up the pace. We were following another horse and he wasnt going to be outdone and trotted at a moderate clip. My first reaction, reign him in, slow him down. Because while it wasnt fast, it was outside my comfort zone. I do the same when riding Cheyenne. One of my first questions to her owner was how do I make her trot slower.

What was interesting wasn't my reaction when Snapper stepped it up. It was typical me, but my instructors comment when I went to slow him down. When I said I wanted to get him to a safer pace, she pointed out "you are a safe, a lot safer than you realize". I heard the comment, I thought about it, but I didnt get until tonight what it really meant.

The second piece of the puzzle that I was living like I ride, or riding like I live, was in the gym last week. I have had a rough couple weeks again with food. After being on track for a bit I have fallen again. And my trainer pointed out, that everytime we get close to making a breakthrough something happens and we move backwards again. I didnt get it then, but I am starting to get it now. The what happens is me reigning things in when it starts to feel a little fast or beyond my control for me. But even when he said this I didn't connect the comments.

The last piece came tonight reading a book a friend loaned me ("Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover's Soul"). It is a collection of short stories, and one ("Big Brother is Watching") talks about how the main character anytime his horse would gather himself to run he would rein him in from his fear of falling  and have to watch as his brother raced off the way he wanted to.

Something in reading that made me connect my behavior, my riding instructor's comments and my trainers comment's. I live like I ride, or ride like I live. There is so much I want to do, I want to run, be it literally on my horse or metaphorically in life. But every time I start to make that progress my fear of falling has me grabbing for the reins. I never get to find out if I am safe or not, because in my mind I have already predetermined what will happen and launched my emergency plan.

Another comment just crossed my mind, one made by Cheyenne's owner. She said to ride and be around horses you have to expect at some point to be thrown, to break bones, to be kicked, to be bitten. My problem is while I am willing to accept that risk with horses, I have spent a lot of my life, and still do, trying to not get bruised, to not fall down, to not be thrown and to avoid anything that spooks me in the rest of my word. And when I do get spooked I, like the horses, follow my first instinct to flee instead of testing out if the fear is founded. Run now ask later!

Today's big lesson, just like I need to learn to trust my horse and ride with a softer reign and less of a tendency to jump right to "whoa" when things feel unfamiliar or chancy, I need to find that same trait in life. I need to figure out how to trust myself more and to willing to be thrown and get back in the saddle. To accept that is part of life, not failing. To not only ride at a pace I know I can manage but to take that chance of trotting at full speed. Otherwise I am always going to be the one watching from the sideline too afraid to move forward and sabatoging myself every time a chance to grow presents itself.

When the Student is Ready.....

"When the student is ready, the right teacher will be there"

The last seven weeks in a lot of ways feel like a blur. I agreed to take a riding lesson with my friend Janet totally terrified, expecting complete failure and vowing this would never happen again. Yesterday I stood in the pasture surrounded by a wall of at least 10 horses at Woodloch and couldnt have been happier. I felt like part of the herd, and like I had found a part of my heart that has been missing for a very long time.

The day only got better when I got to ride Cheyenne for the first time alone. I just kept thinking the whole ride...I am riding "my horse", how did this ever happen. Actually that thought started yesterday morning, when I went out to walk her and bring her treats and I found myself just stopping and staring at her and she took my breath away. Don't get me wrong, I get part of it is that I do have a personal bond with her, but she is also just gorgeous. And I kept thinking "I have the chance to ride the horse every little girl dreams of". There are TONS of gorgeous horses, and I will admit before meeting Cheyenne I thought I wanted to a horse who was more unique in coloring (a buckskin maybe or a flea bit like Snapper), but she is just that perfect bay that we all thought of when we thought of a horse as a child. She is tall, perfectly shaped and beautiful. Even though I was never the little girl who dreamed of having my own horse, I know now I am living every little girl's fantasy! And I am so blessed to have this chance.

I thought a LOT about that yesterday, how amazing life can be, how the right things fall into place when they are supposed to. I had multiple conversations last week about things happening for a reason. But there is a second part of that I think we leave out often, that the right people also come into our lives for a reason. I read the book the Celestine Prophecy years ago and I dont remember much about it, but I have never forgotten the basic premise that people cross our paths for a reason, and that until their reason is fulfilled they continue crossing our lives.

One of my challenges in life has always been letting people in far enough to fulfill the reason they came into my life. Trust, fear, insecurity. Most people are kept outside the "walls", or they are let in only a portion of the way. This is especially true with situations where I am feeling over my head or new to something. I have always feared failure, letting people down, not being perfect, not having the right answers. It comes back to that fear of screwing up and being seen as inadequate and abandonded. So even when I am doing something new I do everything I can to learn it all. I veraciously read everything I can get my hands on, I practice over and over, I study til I know at least as much as the people around me. But in doing that I definitely make my life harder and don't always learn things the best way, just the way to get through them.

Another realization I have had the last two days, is that that is slowly changing. That my biggest growth in the last year has been learning to admit to people I dont have all the answers. That I need help, that I need something explained again, that I am imperfect and flawed. And in doing that I have realized I have some really great teachers around me when I let them do their jobs. A big part of the answer to the "how did this happen" with Cheyenne is found in those teachers, especially my personal trainer and my riding instructor.

Anyone who has read the blog over the last 18 months knows my trainer journey was bumpy at times. Nick took me on almost a year ago after my training with Gui ended abruptly. And the last year of training with Nick hasnt always been easy (I dont make it easy most days). My weight not moving and my eating disorder have plagued Nick and I a lot more than it did Gui and I.

But at the same time, what I lose sight of too often, is that a lot of other physical stuff and my confidence level in my body has improved in ways it never did with Gui - especially in the last 3 months. I know Nick often feels he lives in Gui's shadow, and I take a lot of the blame for that. I put him there on a lot of things. But what I realized yesterday, I trust Nick in a way I never did Gui. With Gui, I always feared his reaction if I didnt have all the answers, if I couldn't be perfect. That he would give up on me or stop working with me if I wasnt perfect. The last six months of my training with Gui I would say I walked into our sessions more afraid than anything. And in the end, I cant say that fear was unfounded. But that isnt the case with Nick.

With Nick I have slowly learned to say "show me that again", "explain that to me", "I dont get it", "Why". I would rather ask why now than have to go find the answer myself, and that is a huge change. And that huge change is part of what is fueling this new found courage/interest in trying new things, like horseback riding (and some other challenges I have listed for myself to get through this summer).

And I think learning that with Nick was a big part of what has opened me up to the absolutely amazing experience I am having working with my riding instructor Etta. Talk about a person crossing my life at the right moment. From my first lesson with Etta I have had this freedom I have never felt with anyone to admit I am a completely newbie, and I am clueless and please teach me. I have allowed myself to be a sponge and I have found myself turning to her over and over again asking for more help on doing things related to riding or horses and it shocks me, because that has never been me. The hardest words in the world for me, in any situation have ALWAYS been "help me", but with her they come naturally.

If I am honest with myself, that is probably why I have progressed so fast with this in the seven weeks I have, because I am letting the people who know the right answers do their job, not stubborning my way through figuring it out myself and at the same time fighting the people trying to help me! Yeah I have still read everything I could find, but this time more for the background not the training. I still don't get why this immediate trust in being imperfect was there, and a lot of the credit goes to Etta, but not once through all this have I felt dumb because I needed more help or to ask more questions.

Do I have this challenge overcome yet, no. I still find myself doing it with some people. This is still a lesson I need to work on. I caught myself this morning in my old trap when I realized I was shutting down Cheyenne's owner Missi who was offering to help me and that I was shutting her down because I am afraid to let her down with her horse. That instead of finding all the help I can from everyone around me I was trying to find my answers in other ways so she wouldnt think less of me or be concerned about the safety of her horse with me. I still need some work on that end, but I figure that is another part of the lessons Cheyenne is bringing into my life.

When we were riding yesterday Etta made a comment about horses teaching us humility, and they do (I learned yesterday trying to put a halter on Cheyenne that you have never truly been called an idiot until a horse looks at you like you are one *grin*) but what was rather prophetic in her statment is that I am also learning humility from the people around me with my this new passion of horses.

"A horse doesn't care how much you know, until he knows how much you care"

"Got the blue sky breeze blowin' wind thru my hair
Only worry in the world
is the tide gonna reach my chair
Sunrise, there's a fire in the sky
never been so happy
never felt so high
and I think I might've found me my own kind of paradise"
Zac Brown Band



Six weeks ago you couldn't have gotten me to willingly walk up to a horse if my life depended on it, today I received the lease papers for Cheyenne. Life is sometimes totally unexpected and confusing and flat out wonderful.

My friends keep asking me where this "horse thing" came from and why am I so into it. Truth I havent explained it to any of them, because I am not sure I totally get it yet, I think this is an evolving lesson, but the one thing I know is there is more to this than being "into it". I am "into" working out, I am "into" my gun and my shoes. They are hobbies, pasttimes, stress relievers. There is more to this than that.

I wish I knew how to put it into words, but when I walked into Woodloch stables a few weeks ago and put my hands on Snapper there was this feeling, almost like that of meeting someone and feeling like you have always known them, even though you have never met. There was this feeling that came over me of being totally safe and totally at peace, and anyone who knows me knows that is not how I feel about the world. And that feeling only intensified once I rode for the first time. That day I figured it was about Snapper, but I have had that same feeling when I have hung out with Abi, with Kass, with Cheyenne and even with the horses whose names I don't know at Sunnyside. I couldn't explain it, I couldnt find the words to translate it to, until today.

Over the last couple weeks I have heard the term "Natural Horsemanship" used over and over. In short it is a philosophy of working with horses based on communication and tapping into the natural thinking of a horse instead of trying to bend it to the human way of thinking. I started doing some reading on it today, partially out of curiosity and partially because that is how Cheyenne has been trained". And as I read the first few pages of the book, I was struck by how many times the author (Pat Parelli) kept saying that humans think different then a horse, but then he would describe horses..."they are born cowards and with the absolute instinct to flee first and ask why later....despite their size and power they inherently are afraid of all humans.....respect for a horse means an absence of fear....when something happens that scares them a horse doesnt think logically, they automatically go into full throttle, he tries to escape any way he can even if he hurts himself in the process...they give clear communications with no ambivalence". The descriptions go on and on, and as I read it, for a moment, I lost track that he was talking about horses and found him talking it about me!

That moment of realization helped me start to understand what I felt that day with Snapper and what I have felt since around horses. I felt understood, I felt like I fit, probably for the first time in my life I have found a place, at the side of a horse, where I felt normal. That my fears and insecurities seemed understood in a way they aren't with humans. That the look I saw in Snapper's face that day crossing the stream was him telling me, more than "chill out" but more so "it's ok, I get it" and the same with Cheyenne last week, it wasnt just her knowing she had a purpose, but her telling me "don't worry we are in this together and will figure it out".

I know some of my friends reading this will say "yeah right, like a horse can know that much". But it is one thing I have learned very fast about horses. They do sense where we are at, and they do communicate on an emotional level. All I have to do is watch Cheyenne get impatient when things aren't moving at the pace she wants to know how alike we are.

When you read anyting about horse you see the phrase over and over again "Prey Animal". Horses have an instictual fear of their world, they do everything they do to remain safe in a world that they are unsure about and feel threatened in. And while the same texts describe humans as "Predator Animals", that is not the case for all of us. The reality is for myself and many other people who grew up in less than safe homes we have grown up feeling like prey more than predator. We have lived our entire lives the same way as horses do and still do to this moment. We live on the edge, waiting for people to hurt us, expecting the bad in everyone, giving trust only to find it broken and it reinforcing our fears of the world.

My riding instructor Etta made a comment during my last lesson that really hit me. It should have been such a simple comment that went in one ear and out the other, but it has done anything but that. I have replayed it a million times in the last week. She simply looked over at me riding and said "You look so relaxed". I realized as I was processing that. I have LITERALLY never had anyone say that to me at another moment in my life. I live my life on guard, and she was completely right, that moment on Snapper may have been the first time in my life I felt truly safe, truly fearless and truly relaxed. In another word, like I was finally at a place where I truly fit in.

When you are working with horses they tell you the goal is to become part of the herd, for me I think I started a lot more a part of the herd than I even knew and that I have finally after all these years found my way back to the herd and THAT is what this "horse thing" is all about!

I don't really know how I got here, but I'm sure glad that I did.....

"I don't really know how I got here
But I'm sure glad that I did
And it's crazy to think that one little thing
Could've changed all of it

Maybe it didn't turn out like I planned
Maybe that's why I'm such, such a lucky man...

All the fights and the tears and the heartache
I thought I'd never get through
And the moment I almost gave up
All lead me here to you

I didn't understand it way back when
But sitting here right now it all makes perfect sense"
This - Darius Rucker

If you think about all the moments in life that if one step changed our whole lives would be different it can be really overwhelming.

There are so many times when we wish things could have turned out different than they did....I wish I had had a different type of family growing up, I wish I hadn't gotten sick, I wish I hadn't had the nerve damage,  wish I hadnt moved from the East coast, I wish certain people hadn't left my life, I wish I wasn't battling an eating disorder....but then there are days like yesterday where despite your religious or philosophical views of the world, you have to stand back and realize there are greater powers in play in the world and that things always turn out perfectly, even if we don't see that! That things happen for a reason, even if that reason seems to allude us.

If I tried to put all the steps together for you that lead to me meeting Missi and Cheyenne yesterday we would be here forever. The short version, when I moved to MN I met Tina, my cat "Nanny", she introduced me to Kathy who cleans my house once a month, then I met Janet in my Business Analysis class, Janet pushed me to try horseback riding, Kathy is a horse person and I started hanging out with her and her horse Abi after I realized horses were the calming hobby my trainer Nick had told me to search for, Kathy and I talked about me looking for a lease horse at some point, Kathy knows Missi, Missi's daughter doesn't ride Cheyenne as much anymore and Missi mentioned to Kathy that she was looking to lease Cheyenne, Kathy talked to Missi about me and yesterday Cheyenne trotted into my life! And that is the short version *smile*.

Cheyenne has her own story, she was a rescued abused race horse in need of love. She came into Missi's life in almost as amazing a story as me meeting her yesterday....a horse met in the dark and a face from a dream. Cheyenne has been part of Missi's life for 8 years and has seen her through her ups and downs and been her friend, companion and therapist. And now she has journeyed into my life when I needed her most.

The first thing I noticed about this 20 year old Standardbred mare was the look in her eyes. I couldn't put my finger on it until I looked back at the pictures I took of her yesterday, but she knows. She knows she is needed, she knows she has a purpose in life. That she is more than a pet, more than an animal to ride. Cheyenne knows that she fills a special place in the world. She knows that there are humans she is meant to heal. And I believe she knew yesterday she was meeting me for a reason. For having been ridden by a very few people since Missi adopted her she let me ride her as if we had always known each other, something very rare in horses.

Missi kept saying to me yesterday that Cheyenne likes to teach people. I can see in her eyes how much this beautiful Bay has to teach me, about life, about trust, about ceding control. That many of the secrets I have looked for solutions to in the world don't come from us "twofers" and that that many of my fears and insecurities I need to conquer are going to become part of my time with Cheyenne.

I have to admit part of what has been scaring me about the idea of leasing a horse (which is where the owner maintains control of the horse and you are allotted a certain number of days a week to ride) was knowing that I will become attached and fall in love with something that is not mine forever. That at some point Cheyenne and I will part ways, but I think that is one of the biggest lessons for to learn from her. I struggle with that on a daily basis in my life, worrying about losing people, about when they will walk away and getting so bogged down in that fear and worry that I miss out on the time I have with them. That instead of enjoying today I worry about tomorrow. One of my biggest goals during my time with Cheyenne is to not let that become my focus. Up until now everything I have done with horses has beeen a grounding time for me, keeping me in the moment not worrying about the future and what might happen, and I need to keep that front and center during my time with Cheyenne. Her time in my life is finite, and I need to find every moment of joy in it I can.

 

I can't even start to thank all the people who have played a part in this new chapter in my life. I don't really know how to express to those around me how much they change my life. They are words I have never really figured out, I just hope they know! I hope they can see it in my eyes!

 

But there is one little girl I want to thank specifically, who I haven't even met yet, Vanessa, Missi's daughter. Missi shared with me how torn Vanessa is on leasing Cheyenne. And I get that. I can't imagine sharing any of my cats with someone else. Vanessa, I just want you to know how grateful I am to you for letting Cheyenne spend time with me. That I will love her completely and do everything I can to make sure she is taken care of as well as you take care of her. You sharing her with me is changing my life and I will always be remember you for that.

Equines and Escalators.....

"It's not what I've done; It's what I've overcome that defines me, and makes me different from everyone else" (from a friend's FB status)


I am only one of the millions of people in the world who grew up in dysfunctional, often abusive, homes. And I, like many of those "Children who were Broken", have struggled my whole life with trust in others. Too many broken promises, too many disappointments, too many hurts. I learned to live my life believing that the only thing I could truly believe in with complete certainty was myself, that I was the only thing I could be sure of and feel safe in.

And when that belief in my own body was shattered with my diagnosis of PTC and the resulting nerve damage and strokes my world changed. The reach of my world decreased and my body became like a foreign invader to me. It became yet another thing to doubt, to question, to fear.

It is hard if you have never had a serious illness or injury to describe not trusting your own body to be there when you need it, so let me  simply say for the last 16 years not once when I have put my right foot down to take a step have I done it without thinking about and hoping it holds, because many many times it hasnt. I have fallen, I have broken bones, I have been bruised and embarrassed. I have many scars from falls, from burns I didnt sense I was getting (due to the numbness)...I have learned to be cautious, too cautious.

There were a million things I wanted to do or try that I haven't because I didn't have the confidence in my body to make it safe to do them. I have avoided situations where stairs might be involved, I have skipped group activities where I might fall and be seen, and I have planned my life for 16 years around my body. Even with all the accomplishments in the last 18 months, I still pre-think every step I take, I still fear falling and I still limit my life. But slowly I am seeing that falling away.

While balance and core and strength are something my trainer has worked on diligently for the last 11 months, while my body was changing, I wasnt seeing it, or probably better said, I wasnt trusting it. Despite being shown over and over that I was safe doing things I still shyed away from them. I still hesitate before I walk down a flight of stairs, I still panick if I have to step up onto something without a hand hold.

But slowly I see that changing, and I think a huge part of that is my new found passion for horseback riding. I am learning by being in the saddle that my body can do what it needs to if I just let it.

This week in my lesson I was asked to try to ride without holding on to the saddle horn. To me this was the most ridiculous request I could ever have heard. There was no way I could not fall off it wasn't holding on. But for some reason I tried it, I think it was the trust I found in Snapper during our previous trail ride more than anything that got me to let go that first time. I am truly trying when I am riding to stop trying to take control. And what I found when I let go, is that riding was more enjoyable that way, not scarier. That I had more control not less, that I felt safer not at risk. That for all my fear about my balance issues and my legs, my body worked just like everyone else's would on a horse.

That experience really spurred me (no pun intended) to try to push myself this week when traveling. To stop holding on to hand rails so tightly, to get on and off the moving walkways at the airport without holding on. To really begin to believe that all the work Nick and I have put in this past year had changed my body.

And tonight I finally conquered the biggest mountain of all. One of my greatest fears has been escalators, particularly going down. I have not gone near one for 16 years, despite facing them daily with all my traveling. I was scared to death I would step on and go tumbling head over tail.

Overcoming this has been a primary goal for months with the trainer and despite me telling myself over and over I was going to do it, I would always stand at the top of the escalator and freeze. Eventually walking away and finding an elevator (which is often hard to find and time consuming, more than once I have missed getting on an earlier flight because I was futzing around finding an elevator).

And tonight was no different, I got to Detroit and was running super late and again nearly missed the flight they had held because I had to find an elevator. I decided no more. When I got to Minneapolis I was determined I was going to baggage claim via the escalator. I didnt. I stood, I froze, I chickened out and took the elevator! But that was my last straw. I made a vow to myself I wasnt leaving the airport til I had done this, even if it meant moving in.

It took me nearly an hour of standing staring at the thing, of lifting my foot and chickening out, of putting my hand on the hand rail and pulling it away. But all the time I kept reminding myself what I have done in the gym lately and what I have done on Snapper. And finally, awkwardly I took that first step. And my body cooperated. The next thing I knew I was down the escalator (truth after getting on the ride was easy, as I suspected it would be). I had done it. I had trusted my body to be there, and it was!!!!!

Just to be sure I did it a second time. I can't say it was a ton easier the second time, and it was still pretty awkward, but again. My body cooperated.

I truly hope this accomplishment tonight is a turning point for me, or a realization of the turning point that happened the first time I got on a horse. It is time to learn to trust my body again, to believe in it to function and to keep me safe!!!!!

The Horse Lover's Bug....

My friend Kathy gave me this today, I believe she found it in one of the "Chicken Noodle for the Soul..." books. It was so touching I wanted to share it.

The Horse Lover's Bug....

All horse lovers know the bug.
It doesn't buzz or chirp or hop around.
It doesn't stare back at you  with big bulging eyes.
It lands on your heart, does its job and disappears without a trace.

You're not left with a painful sting, itch or a welt,
Just an inexplicable passion that shapes your thoughts, your habits and your dreams.

The horse bug is now a part of your fabric!

Four Legged Lesson in Trust...

Another amazing ride today, my first trail ride, again on the great Snapper (or Snapple as we may now be calling him...LOL). As usual I got there in a horrid mood, not wanting to eat at all today and really stressed out, and the second I started interacting with Snapper it all went away and I was only in that moment (a lesson Snapper reinforced by stepping on my foot to remind me he was supposed to be my sole focus *smile*)

After we saddled the horses up we headed out onto the stellar property at Woodloch Stables, I hadn't been farther than around the barns and arenas so had no clue the beautiful scenery on the property. We rode back to the fields and the stream. The stream ended up being my classroom for the day. This was the first time I rode on anything other than basically flat terrain and I have to admit all my fears came back about riding (or more appropriately falling off) and that was slightly heightened when the instructor's new horse who has never been across a stream decided he wasn't doing this and she sent us across with her watching from the bank (she only later told us she normally doesnt do that). Truth when her horse balked I was happy because I thought she was going to tell me I didnt have to go either, but now I am so glad she made me do it.

On the first trip across I was panicky going down the bank and even more so about crossing the water, I wanted to stop 100 times and chicken out (like I do in the gym when I tell Nick "I'm done"). And I think Snapper knew that, because after we got across and were turning around something really amazing happened, Snapper turned his head just enough to give me a look, and in his eyes I could see exactly what he was trying to tell me "relax, I got this one no problem".

And in that moment I realized why it is called RIDING and NOT DRIVING. That riding a horse isn't about me being perfect or knowing what I am doing all the time, but about learning to trust that the horse knows what they are doing, that they wont do something they are uncertain about (as George showed us) and that while trust is not something I have ever been good at and I am certainly not good at trusting when it means my sense of safety, that that is part of what I am meant to learn through these majestic animals. That they are there to teach my what humans have never gotten through to me on!

That second trip through the stream was a moment I will never forget. I can say without a doubt it is the first time in my life I have ever felt 100% safe and secure putting myself in the care of another living creature!

The rest of the ride was just beautiful, we rode through a huge open field with 5 foot tall grasses, the sun shining, it was so peaceful. I could have stayed out there forever (and Snapper seemed to agree, he thought he had found the buffet line *grin*). We also got a few minutes on the way back just him and I ahead of the other horses just for some quiet time, it was a great ending to the trip.

Although I have to admit I was sad when it ended, I could have stayed on his back for days. I knew my stressors and the noise and all of reality were waiting for me back in my car, but at least for that 90 minutes I had my silence and calm that I seem to only find on horseback.

Horses make so much more sense to me...

This whole new fascination with horses has really confused me the last couple weeks. I was never the little girl growing up who begged for a pony or wanted to be around horses. My cousin had a horse I got on a couple times, but it really did nothing for me, and more than anything it terrified the life out of me. So when I agreed to try a riding lesson a few weeks ago the last thing I expected was to find my "thing". That I would now be considering owning or leasing a horse, that I would be taking any chance I can find to ride, or just be around them was never even something I pondered.

In trying to make sense of this new found interest, it hit me part of why I enjoy being around horses....is that they "tell it" like it is...there is no guessing what they are thinking, there are no games....if the horse agrees with something you know it, and if they don't they make in abundantly clear. There is no having to figure out where you stand or what the hidden messages are!

That makes sense to me. I was with a friend yesterday trying to groom her unbroken horse, Abi. Abi wanted no part of it, he didnt stand and pretend he was good with it when he wasn't, he didn't humor us. He stomped his foot, snorted and walked away from us. When Snapper, the horse I ride up in Hugo, wants to eat, he stops and eats, when he wants to sleep, he stops and sleeps, he doesnt care if we are mid ride, or what I want from him. Clear signals, I know if what I am doing is right or wrong.

And he expects clear signals back from me if he is giving me what I need. I actually confused Snapper last weekend because with the strength difference between my left and ride side my cues to him are unbalanced and unclear. He wasn't sure what I wanted from him, so he gave me nothing. They give what they expect to receive - clear commands and responses.

When you are learning to ride they tell you everything you try to communicate to a horse should have three parts. You should warn them what you are about to ask of them, you should ask it and then you should reinforce it. Imagine how easy life would be if all our commications happened like that??

Beyond the most wonderful part for me of being around horses, the fact that it is the only time my mind seems to be able to so concentrate on one thing that everything else falls away, it is also the only time I dont spend time reading into things, analyzing them and questioning everything I do, because the horse gives me honest, immediate, reliable feedback. I dont need to guess because there is no question.

They also take clear responsibility for their behavior. They are proud of what they do and want. They don't half do anything, they don't blame it on others. They either do something or they don't, and if they do they give it 100% or they don't do it at all.

They also do not lose themselves or their needs in things. I am learning horse are MUCH more loving animals than I ever realized. Spending time with Kass and Abi yesterday it is VERY clear they know who Liz and Kathy are, they are bonded to them, they are loving to them and they accept love back. Abi gives the most amazing kisses. But despite that they are true to themselves. When Abi wants to set his foot somewhere, Kathy better know where her feet are because he is doing what he wants/needs despite his love for her. For them being in a "relationship" doesnt mean having to subjugate themselves. There is mutual respect and admiration, but not at the cost of self. I admire that. It seems to me in most human relationships people end up having to lose part of themselves, albeit to gain something in being in a relationship, to make it work. While maybe a worthwhile sacrafice, that we hide behind the word compromise, it still seems wrong to me. The way a horse loves makes much more sense to me. Love means adding to who they are, not becoming someone or something they aren't. Love makes them more secure not less, and too often in human relationships that is a rarity!

Added after posting....

Kass's Mom Liz just posted this on her FB page, it struck me how much it goes along with what I just said... http://www.facebook.com/pages/Buck-The-Film/175055519187765#!/video/video.php?v=170752506319821&oid=175055519187765&comments