As usual I am back to struggling with food, making myself eat and my weight. I am doing my best thought to fight through it. I am on a day of "reverse journaling", writing out at the beginning of the day what I am going to eat and making myself follow it (vs just documenting after the fact what I ate). I am determined that I am not going to slip back to not eating today, but have to admit every bite that is going in my mouth is weirding me out.
The current trigger of my fear of eating is that it is goal time tomorrow with the trainer. Which I am happy about, I feel I have lost my focus a little lately and welcome having more structure to follow, but at the same time I know it is going to start with another tough discussion about food and more importantly a starting weight and taking measurements (something we haven't done in 6 months). There is nothing that makes it harder to eat than knowing I am going to be weighed and/or measured in front of someone else. I go through it weekly (how often the trainer typically weighs me) but this one is bothering me more than average because I know we are basing things off it.
For as much as my logical brain knows that my body needs food, that I gain if I don't eat, I definitely am in that mode this weekend of "I'll weigh less tomorrow if I don't eat today", hence the listing the food and working to it, vs hoping at the end of the day I am close to where I should have been. It doesn't guarantee success but at least I have a plan of sorts for the days.
There is a big part of me that wants to tell the trainer from now on I don't want to know when these days are coming up, so I don't end up on this roller coaster, but I know that is a cop out. I need to figure out how to get through these feelings not just avoid and hide, ignorance may be bliss in this case, but it isn't progress.
The lead up to my session tomorrow actually started Thursday night with the first conversation on goals, and I have been a little off kilter since then. During the conversation I asked a question I didn't quite realize was leaving my lips, although it has been in my head for a while now. Is it realistic to think I will ever make my weight goal???? I am back to doubting if I can get where I want to, not because of my desire, but because my body seems to be having a harder and harder time letting go of weight. I am back to circling around the same few pounds for weeks at a time.
And yes, I get how far I have already come, which was the response the question was met with. That is a response I keep getting from people, but truly don't understand. I get the past, I am proud of the past, I know how hard it has been and how far I have come. But what I don't get is what does that have to do with the future. Just because someone has had past success does not mean their future is guaranteed, just ask all those one hit wonders. And as far as I have come, as bad as I want this, I do worry about can I get to where I want to be, or have I reached where I am going to get (or am close to that).
I did have to laugh at myself yesterday and how ridiculous our minds work sometimes. I was not happy with the scale, I was up 1/2 a pound from the day before (209.1) and came home from the gym miserable about it, then I went through some old pictures from my previous Israel trips (it has been on my mind the last few days after a conversation about how my physical issues have shaped those trips). I found a couple "before" pictures I didnt remember....
I look at myself in these pictures and feel ridiculous being upset about gaining 8 ounces, or even being unhappy at 210 lbs. I would have KILLED to weight 210 lbs when I was the 338 pounds in those pictures. Yet I can't seem to tap into that feeling anymore. I truthfully don't even remember what that life was like at an emotional level. I can tell people it was hard, but as I shared that with a friend the other night I realized I wasn't feeling that anymore. It was like telling someone else's story.
I guess it's good, it means I have embraced where I am at now, but at the same time, I worry that losing that past pain will mean losing my motivation to get away from it. I talk all the time with my clients about change only happening when the grief factor outweighs the benefit factor, as I have said before in the blog, I worry that scale is getting harder to keep tipped and staying with the changes I need to make.
Yup I was right, this post was really all over the place, please forgive me for those of you saying 'what the heck did I just read', my head is exactly where this post went, jumping in a million directions.
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