Failure or Success.....It's a fine line some days..........

For as much as I love to shop at times, I do not do crowds. Today is probably my least favorite day of the year to be in stores (followed up closely by the day after Christmas). Which worked out just fine for me this year, as my plan for the day was to stay home and mope. To lick my wounds from what I saw as failure and hide from the world.

As tough as other peoeple think I am on them, the reality is that I am never harder on anyone else than I am on myself. I am horrible at "good enough is good enough" and unless I make my mark or exceed it, I have a hard time seeing any good in what I have done. This is not a mindset I recommend, I logically know it prevents me from seeing a lot of the great in things I accomplish. But it is how I was raised, a B+ was failure for not being an A, coming in second was always followed by the question of why didn't I come in first, second was as bad as last and nything aless than the best was chastized as not applying myself. I have never moved past my mother's admonishments and still do the same to myself. Anything less than ultimate success is complete failure.

And that is how I came into today, seeing complete failure. This is a day I have had on the calendar for a year.....I had to weigh 211 by today to succeed, 100 lbs less than where I was a year ago when I started training. I didn't make it. At my last weigh in, earlier this week, I was 220 lbs. Nine pounds from success, in my book....failure. Yes I know that is stupid, I have lost 91 lbs in a year (for a total of 120 overall...I was at the dr this week and her scale said 218, which is also where the original 338 number in 5/09 was measured). But in my world that is all irrelevant. I missed the goal. I have beat myself up for a week now since it became obvious it wasn't going to happen. And if I am honest I gave up a week ago when I realized it wasnt going to happen. I let myself eat things in the last week I never would have, I blew off my cardio, I just gave up. If I wasn't going to succeed at the goal than so what, why try. Anything less than the goal is irrelevant.

But this morning I was reminded there is a very thin line between success and failure and a bigger picture that has to be remembered. And for me sometimes that remembering requires a slap in the face *smile*.

Despite my total adversion to Black Friday shopping I saw one sale I wanted to hit, Old Navy had PJ bottoms on sale for $5. These are my newest addiction. Considering I am always cold and can no longer wear shorts at home all winter like I did in the past, flannel PJ bottoms are my new thing. And not only are they warm....they are CUTE (oh yeah and the right ones make your butt look good too *grin*). And since the Old Navy here in Eagan is somewhat by itself I figured the crowds would be manageable. So I went.

For the record, Old Navy is not a store I have shopped in before. It is a store I have watched others shop in, but it has never been a great place for someone obese. The clothes are cut slim and they do very limited in bigger sizes. So I have to admit when I walked in my "fat brain" was in control. I expected to find nothing that would fit. In a way I was right, most of the styles I wanted I couldn't buy, but that wasn't because I was too big, the pants were!!!!!

They had more XL's than anything and they were too big on me *grin*. I got to do something I have never had to do, ask a sales person to check another store for smaller sizes! I am sure he wondered why I was happy dancing about having to ask that, but it was one my coolest shopping moments yet...things in Old Navy were too big *giggle*.

In the end I was able to track down and purchase a bunch of PJ bottoms and also some long sleeve tees, all at amazing prices (I spent $65 and saved over $120). I bought things that were Medium's and Large's....a year ago if they had had my sizes they were have been 3x and 4x.

But I found a lot more than just warm clothes, I found that reminder I needed. That while I didn't make the number that was arbitrarily set (had I started a week earlier last year I would have probably been the 320 and would be 100 lbs lighter now) but I have come so much further than I ever dared to dream I would, or that anyone around me ever dreamed I would. I don't think a year ago anyone who knew me would have even bet even a $1 I would be 91 lbs lighter today than I was then, I know I wouldn't have.

Does this mean I am over my goal issues, heck no. I am already refocused. My next goal is New Year's Eve and to be 199. If anything missing today's goal has me even more laser focused on meeting that one.  I am who I am, I can't change that, this is what drives me. But I am glad the world steps in periodically to remind me to stop and look at what I have done, even if it doesn't meet my standards.

Thank you again to EVERYONE who has supported me this year...friends, family, trainers, staff at the LTF Eagan, Tony, my facebook friends, those of you who read the blog. This has truly been possible because of all the support, love and understanding you shown me, for all the times you guys put me back together when I came unhinged and all the times you got me restarted when I got stuck. No one succeeds or fails alone. Thank you for helping me be so successful this year.