Not exactly sure where to start this post, really struggling and know I need to write this out, because it feels like one of those moments that others can relate to, but not sure how to say it all yet, so here goes.
When I started riding I worried about the obvious things, mounting the horse, not falling off the horse and doing technical things wrong. I had no clue that this journey was going to be much more about who I am on the inside than what I do on the outside. And there are times, like today, that I wonder if I had known that it would have gone down this road would I have opted in. While I love the new parts of my world, the self discovery is not coming easily. And last night it all felt like it hit me.
I guess first an update is in order, since I havent blogged in a couple months. I still adore riding as much as ever. I am still leasing Joker and couldnt be happier. He is smart, fun and has taught me more faster than I could have learned on most horses. We are cantering, we are working on patterns and the big news, I have decided to try a couple horse shows this summer with him. Our focus is going to be trail class (obstacles) but we are also going to give a shot to some of the pleasure classes (showmanship, horsemanship). When I first started planning for this Etta (my riding coach) asked me what I was most scared of, my answer, cantering. I thought it was going to be the riding skills I was worried about, but as the days go by that fear fades. My new answer scares me more than loping and has me questioning this whole idea, but I truly hope like trotting and loping I can work my way past this.
My new angst, having to ride in the same arena with other people, particularly people I dont know. That sounds really dumb, but for the last nine months I have worked really hard (even more than I realized) to find empty arenas, to go out on trails or to stay with people I knew. I thought it was all about worrying about my riding ability, but last night I found out that wasnt it, it goes to how I see myself in the world, and have most of my life.
I keep mentioning last night so I guess I need to go there. Etta suggested this week (she is a pretty smart cookie) that maybe I should consider doing some group lessons (in addition to my private lessons) so that I could see how others struggle with some of what I do and also to get practice riding with others. So I gave it a try last night. I knew this was something I wasnt going to love at first, and came into it with a lot of butterflies, but left more stressed than I imagined possible. The last thing I thought it was going to make me do was question showing, but it did.
It was a group lesson at WL. I knew no one in the lesson. I was pleasantly suprised to find out that even though most of these people had been riding much longer than me I was at least equal to them and in some areas Joker and I were ahead of them (I give him the credit, he makes me look good). I had my panic moment when I knew I was going to have to canter in front of them (this is somewhat new for me on Joker) but even that went better than I anticipated. And as usual Etta was there to keep reminding me I was just fine and she wouldnt let me get over my head.
But for all that I still found my anxiety level off the chart the whole hour. I was getting more and more wound up by the chaos of sharing an arena, of people riding in different directions, cutting me off, my horse reacting differently (wanting to play tag and race with the other horses) and it just all became overload. And the irony is I realize this was really quiet as group riding goes. By the end my heart was racing and I was nearly in tears. Panic attack is the only way I can explain it. Even writing about it the tears are there. I was beyond stressed and wasnt sure why.
I needed to understand this and last night I ripped it all apart and came to the realization that the anxiety comes from the very core of how I have seen myself in life from the time I was very young and the negative messages that were instilled in me from day one. The basic message I came away from my childhood with was "you are in the way, you are unwanted" and because of that I have spent a lot of my life trying to blend in, minimize myself and go out of my way to not get in anyones way and I totally bring that to my riding.
That statement about wanting to hide and blend in might surpise people who think they know me but dont really. Most people in my life if asked to describe me would say...courageous, pushy, harsh, confident, likes to be the center of attention, thinks she knows it all, thinks she is always right. And they would be dead wrong. It used to bother me when people said those things about me, but I have grown to just accept anyone who thinks that has never gotten to know me and is judging their perception of me not who I really am. At my core I am shy, scared, greatly devalue myself and usually put myself last when comparing myself to others.
The way that plays out in my life is I try to stay to myself, in groups of peopleI hide on the edges, I am the person who if I see a friend in public wont speak until spoken to because I dont want to interrupt or be in the way. I find it very presumptious to show up uninvited somewhere and I dont do it. I start at the assumption I dont belong or am unwanted and dont move from that spot unless pushed to. And all of that played out last night riding.
My lesson from last night is that group riding stresses me out because 1) I spend the whole time worrying about trying not to be in everyone else's way and the more I cant do that the more frustrated I become (the fact that I couldnt just ride the rail and because joker moved faster than other horses was making me nuts, I felt like I was constantly having to move around people and couldnt stay nice and tucked in and hidden) and 2) the big lesson was that people who arent like me, who are ok interrupting, who worry about themselves and doing what they need to makes me really MAD. I am not sure if it is mad because I find it rude (via my messed up mindset of values on this) or because I envy them. Probably a little of both or a lot of both.
I have no clue yet where I go with this new understanding. I feel like I am standing on a fence, run and hide or face it, give up the idea of showing or force myself weekly into this group lesson, find options for riding around others and get past this. I know the latter is the right answer, just not ready to say that is where I will land.
