Cross post from my Israel blog....trip back to Sderot....

http://ylcisrael2008.blogspot.com/2010/04/uneasy-calm.html

Life is like a box of chocolates.....

I wish I had stayed up long enough last night to enter a post before I went to bed. I wish I had captured what an amazing day yesterday was! But I let sleep win (finally on a more normal sleep pattern and adapting to the change in time zones). So let me try to capture yesterday, even though I am in a very different place now.

It was a magical day. I started the day with a shopping trip to the Nachalat Benyamin Pedestrian Mall. Every Tuesday and Friday this ordinary street near the Shuk is converted into a huge Arts and Crafts fair. All of the artisans display and sell their handmade wares. Anyone who has been to my home knows I am all about having unique art and so I was really excited for the chance to visit the mall. It was awesome, I brought home great gifts for friends as well as a couple pieces of jewelry for myself.

When I got back I got a call from Laura inviting me to spend Shabbat with herself, her husband Avi Vaknin and their friend Robbie. Avi is an up and coming Israeli musician with a killer voice and Robbie is his guitarist. (Shameless plug for Avi http://www.avivaknin.co.il/)

Having never spent Shabbat in anyone's home here in Israel I was extremely excited and grateful to be included. Normally I have to admit, this type of invite would have sent me into a panic over what to wear, about being out of place and all my other paranoias, but things this week had been so amazing and being around Laura is so natural I never went through that stage.

In between shopping and dinner (Shabbat doesn't start til sundown) I worked on my Vitamin D deficiency (hung out at the pool). First a tip to anyone with a partially healed new tattoo....think about what it is going to feel like jumping into the salt water pool BEFORE you do it, not afterwards *smile*. Once I got past that little issue, the swim was great, it was awesome to lay in the warm sun and I thoroughly enjoyed the afternoon. I got to break in my new bathing suit also *smile*.

Dinner was great. Moroccan food, lots of healthy salads and Laura made the pumpkin "muffins" I mentioned on here a few days ago. After dinner I got to see some additional footage Laura has for her upcoming movie, Sderot Rock in the Red Zone ( www.sderotmovie.com ), a project very dear to my heart. It was personal footage and I have to admit it got me watching it with her. As much as I get the situation and it tugs at my heart, it is somehow different when you are sitting watching people the impact on people you love and care about. I was struck by the difference in Avi before and after Laura was part of his life and how the level of responsibility seemed to impact him. It made me think about the Sderot situation from a point of view I hadn't before. Before I have always thought of it from an individual perspective, each person's fear for themselves, but thinking about it from the point of view of watching those you care about being at risk was a whole new thought for me.

Sadly with reports yesterday of new airstrikes in the situation, it doesn't seem like the current quiet in Sderot will last much longer!

It was a wonderful night that ended near midnight.

I cant exactly point to where after that things changed, but I know last night when I got back to my hotel and was reading emails and thinking about a couple things at home, I felt stress creeping in. I thought going to bed would help, I didn't want to lose the magical feeling this week has had, but it didn't.

Around 2am I found myself drawn to a box of chocolates that the hotel has provided as a gift (they have treated me really well this week as a high level frequent Hilton member, and the fact that it is a birthday trip - which the diamond desk seems to have put in my reservation, thanks Hilton). Before I knew it I had eaten the whole box (9 pieces of filled chocolate).

This morning I am still feeling stressed, frustrated with myself and on top of it the chocolate made me feel like crap, really shakey and anxious. I guess my body is no longer used to that kind of sugar rush!

I am not beating myself up about the chocolate, it happened. But I have to admit I am struggling more with my normal "compensation" reaction. Not wanting to eat because I know I had all those calories and I feel like I need to make up for them. I logically know this is wrong. But if I pretending I wasn't in that spot I would be lying.

My plan for the day is to go find some protein, in hopes it will combat the shakieness and then a quiet day by the pool and/or the sea. I need to regroup myself and recenter and come to some conclusion on the stress that was the trigger for this so that I can get back to enjoying my vacation. Tomorrow is a day with friends and I don't want to still be in this place.

A different world....

What an amazing day with Laura. We went back to Sderot, we visited the animal hospital, and we shopped. A year ago that would have been undoable, today it was so natural and easy, it is shocking the difference a year can make. And through it all I kept thinking, if I feel this great at 265 lbs what is waiting for me out there at 200 lbs, or 165 lbs. I can't wait. I feel like I have been given a new lease on life, and it is letting me enjoy Israel in a much different way than ever before.

As much as I adore Sderot, I have to admit our visit to the Shuk Ha'Carmel today was the high point of my day. First of all because we walked from her house to the Shuk and I didn't struggle in the least. Just the opposite, I enjoyed the walk, I enjoyed being part of the street life, I enjoyed all the shops, the people, the city!

The Shuk itself made me incredibly envious of Laura and her life here, what an amazing way to do your shopping, blocks and blocks of fresh fruits, vegetables, olives, nuts, fish, chicken, prepared foods, and all if grown within miles of here. The Shuk is open 6 days a week and is how the people here get their produce and many of their groceries.

Beyond the health aspect of eating fresh food grown nearby, the energy at the Shuk is just amazing. The shop owners are part grocier, part entertainers. There is music playing and a vitality that is lacking in the US.

I brought back to my hotel the freshest, tastiest strawberries and bananas I have ever had. They made for a great protein shake!

Today overall was a good day on all fronts. I got tons of exercise, I had great food (both from the Shuk and our lunch in Sderot), I felt totally in control of my body and didn't feel I had to limit myself (heck I spent most of the day walking in cute sandals) and it just felt great to be alive.

My one challenge for tomorrow is to keep working on getting enough calories. I am finding that harder than I thought. The food here is so healthy but it is a heavy fruit, veggie, grain diet and not as protein driven as we have in the US. So while I felt like I ate a ton today, when I journaled it, it wasn't exactly the number I was hoping for. I need to add in more PB and tuna and some other items to raise the calorie count up to the level of exercise I am doing. So that is my goal for Friday.

I can't end without sharing the picture of myself from today vs the one from a year ago. I have to admit that the picture today is the first one of me from Israel I really like. And the fact that it is in shorts makes it all that much more shocking for me. I truly think I am beginning to "get it" how far I have come, and how different my life is now.

I feel like I smiled today in a way I just haven't before!!!!!! I love where my life is right now.

Ice cubes, cybex and 2 hours sleep....

Morning!!! At least that is what I think it is here (9am to be exact). Still working on getting my body to realize we are in a different time zone. I fell asleep about 2 hours ago. Regardless I have a busy day planned (Sderot with Laura) and decided the only way to get on schedule was to get at it.

Started out the morning with an amazing Israeli breakfast. The cheeses and vegetables here are always so fresh and wonderful. They are the first clue I am a long way from Minneapolis. The second clue is the lack of ice cubes. I never realized til I started visiting here how American it is to put ice in drinks, it just doesn't happen here. With the scarcity of water and everyone used to eating things at a warmer temperature you get really strange looks when you ask for ice. Never the less you can hardly complain about a breakfast watching the surfers and the surf!!!

Then it was off to the gym. The hotel has a really well equipped (albeit small) Cybex fitness center, complete with trainers and a killer view of the Mediterranean!!! I have to admit it would be a lot easier to get to the gym at home every mornnig if it overlooked the waves.

I made my best attempt at keeping up the "heavy weights" cycle we were doing when I left. I must have been doing pretty well, as the trainers only came over and corrected me once. I will say it was kind of hard to enjoy watching the cute Israeli trainers when you still have the voice of the cute Brazillian trainer screaming in your head (lower....2 more....let's go....stick your butt out....drop your right shoulder.....see Gui I do listen *grin*). I was able to get a pretty good upper body work out in. I don't feel I did as well on legs but felt the machines were a lot more limited for that. I am sure had I had my trainer with me I would have gotten more out of it, but overall I am happy with how I did.

I do have one issue I need to deal with this morning. The room came equipped with a scale, and I totally remember now why I don't have one at home! I have been on that thing more times in the last 19 hours than I care to admit to. I need to either come to peace with it and stay off it, or I need to have them remove it. Removing it seems like wimping out, but not sure it still isn't the best answer! I will say it made me pretty happy that I have lost enough weight that I can use a cheap bathroom scale without maxing it out (even one in kg's).

Well time to shower and get ready to meet up with Laura. I am looking forward to seeing Sderot through her eyes! It still amazes me the irony of being here and hanging out with her after meeting her at the start of my personal journey last February!

I found the missing part of my heart...

I posted back in March about why I am on this journey, about what spurred me to make these changes. At the time of that post I really couldn't narrow it down to one moment, but on my flight today I realized it really was about one moment last October. A moment where my body ruled my life and I gave in. Today I got my rematch, and I won!

When I was here in October I had the opportunity to meet a plane full of Ethiopians making Aliyah to Israel (moving to Israel to become citizens). We would be part of their first moments in their new country. It is an incredibly powerful event to be part of, and one that you don't get to do often in life. To be there when new lives begin.

As important as a moment as it was, I ended up passing on the opportunity to go to the airport and meet the plane. I knew my body would not be able to keep up and that I would face hurdles with stairs, walking and other issues that would upset me and be unfair to the rest of the group. I regretted the decision from the moment I made it and it has saddened me since. That hole in my heart was what drove me to join a health club, to find a trainer, to keep moving forward past all the challenges and setbacks of the last 4 1/2 months and almost 50 pounds.

Tonight I can say I have finally slayed the demon and will never have to miss a moment like that again. Today when we arrived I took on the same airport I feared a few months ago, and I came out the victor. Not only was I able to walk the entire airport, but I passed up the elevator outside the skyway and chose to take the 2 flights of stairs and did it without any struggle or fear.

I know for a lot of people reading that must seem so small and unimportant an accomplishment, but for me, for the first time in 15 years I feel whole again. I feel like my life is mine again. That the things the surgeon robbed me of are back and that I am a complete human being again. I was no less today than anyone on that plane. I needed no special assistance, I wasnt falling behind heading for baggage claim and I finally feel like I have gained back what was stolen.

Don't get me wrong, I have a long long way to go. I still have over 100 lbs I need to shed, and I still have challenges with my right side to overcome. I realized today I still need to get over my fear and balance issues with escalators so I can FULLY be independent everywhere I go. But today I no longer feel like my body is controlling me, I am back in charge.

Gui, I have said it a hundred times to you, but thank you! This victory is as much your hard work as mine (if not more). If you hadn't marched my butt up and down those stairs over and over again, if you hadn't fought me when I wanted to quit, if you hadn't added all that extra weight when I wanted to go easy I wouldnt be at this moment. Thank you!!!!

Grateful Delta is still my Delta….

As a frequent flyer I spend a lot of time embroiled in conversations about which airline is better, what their strengths are and what their weaknesses are, which offers the best perks and which values their customer more. On any given day the answers can change depending on who is in charge at an airline and what the market is doing.


About 10 years ago I chose Delta airlines as my primary carrier of choice. My decision was not based on them being the best or the cheapest, but on the practical fact that at that time they code shared with El Al which meant my Delta miles could get me seats on El Al flights to Israel. Delta long ago stopped that code sharing and now flies their own metal to TLV, but I have stayed and never regretted it.

Over the years I have had the pleasure of getting to know some wonderful people who are leading up Delta and have come to see it as a key part of my travel. But knowing the right people means very little when the chips are down at 30,000 feet. So there is obviously more keeping me loyal than Jeff and the others at HQ (sorry Jeff, I love ya but we don’t usually get to fly together – but it makes for a good story when we do *grin*). What keeps me loyal to Delta is the amazing customer service of their flight attendants when it really matters. This trip was one of those times.

For all the fretting I did over planning my food and nutrition for the trip, I overlooked one huge item, eating in flight. It was really dumb on my part and could have been a nightmare. Plane food is heavy carbs and limited in choice, at its best. I am happy to say however that the nightmare was made a “piece of cake” by my flight attendant, Phyllis (hope I spelled that close to right).

During the first snack selection after take off I mentioned to her the changes I was making in my life, and the weight I have lost so far, and from that moment forward I had a great ally. At every meal/snack after that she made sure I had good choices, she cobbled together food from different trays and meal selections and did it all with a huge smile and a great sense of humor. I had to laugh when we got to the last serving and she started with “we get to start again”. She made this so easy for me, the 12 plus hours flew by. Instead of the three meals plus snacks feeling like torture I was able to relax and just enjoy the flight.

Delta may not always have the best perks, and they are far from perfect, but once again my choice was reinforced, I am loyal to Delta because they are loyal to me when it matters. Thank you Phyllis for a job well done!!!!

The pilot just made my favorite announcement of the flight, we are about to enter Israeli air space!!! 30 minutes and I will be on the ground in Israel! This is going to be an amazing vacation!!!

PS A tip to anyone flying overseas, do not work out with Gui the day before you are going to spend 14 hours on a plane *smile*. Food may have been easy, sitting on these seats and getting comfortable to sleep as sore as I am, not so much!!!

Night and Day and my first challenge...

One of the beautiful things about the late night Atlanta (ATL) to Tel Aviv (TLV) flight is it always leaves from the exact same gate. This is a necessity based on the security requirements (you have to go through rescreening right before boarding). E17, it is always E17. Unfortunately this is the farthest gate you can go to in the airport from the main terminal. On past trips this has been a real challenge for me. The walking left me exhausted and required many stops. One of my worst memories is falling on my face in the E concourse because I was having such a bad day with my leg. Another bad memory is trying to get the help I needed from the gate agents related to stairs and other challenges.


Tonight was a totally different story. If I didn’t know better I would say the size of the terminal shrunk, but the reality is this is the dividends of all the hard work in the gym. Not only did I have the stamina to easily do the walking, but the improvement in my leg also removed many of my previous hurdles.

Once on the plane the difference became even more noticeable. I am incredibly blessed with my job, that all my travel helps me build large reserves of skymiles, which is how I pay for these trips. I was able to book a business class reward on the Boeing 777. The business seats are the “pods” with the lie flat seats. They are not built for large people and on my last trip I felt incredibly confined and uncomfortable. This time around the seats feel much larger and roomy. Obviously the seats are the same, and I am sitting in the same seat I did last time (14D) so the difference must be me!

This flight does present one challenge, the timing of the meals. I have NEVER understood how they plan this flight. The flight typically leaves between 10pm and 11pm Eastern, which is 5-6am in Tel Aviv. Neither time is conducive to a large meal. Yet that is exactly what they serve after take off, a 4 course meal. And then the next meal is not until about 2 hours before landing (10 plus hours into the flight).

The menu is also not the healthiest in the world. But I am bound and determined to follow the trainer’s advice, that eating nothing is worse than eating something bad. So I am considering this breakfast (since my goal is to get my body on TLV timing as fast as possible) and will be having beef tenderloin for breakfast *smile*. I am skipping the breads, the appetizers and the side dishes and just getting some protein in before I fall asleep. Dessert presents a whole lot of choices I would love, ice cream sundaes, cheesecake and all the toppings. But my plan is to stick to a couple pieces of cheese and a couple strawberries. I am bound and determined the champagne before take off will be my only “bad food” on the flight.

The next big milestone will be traversing Ben Gurion Airport in 12 hours. The place is huge and in the past I have always taken one of the electric carts, but I am bound and determined that this time I do this all on my own. No assists, no cheats. My hope and anticipation is that it will be just as easy as Atlanta, but I am slightly concerned about my leg after this long a flight. We’ll see how that goes.


Until then, time for some steak and a nap!!!!!

Two blogs......

I have decided to attempt to keep both my blogs going on this trip. This blog which is about my day to day struggle with food, weight and life and my Israel blog which I only typically post to when I am in Israel. I will post links here from the other blog just to make it easier to find.

Here are the first two posts of this trip in the Israel blog so far.....

http://ylcisrael2008.blogspot.com/2010/04/heading-home-again.html

http://ylcisrael2008.blogspot.com/2010/04/entering-israeli-air-space.html

My going away presents....

Packing is done, went to the club early this morning and did my last cardio workout before I leave (ouch, still very sore from trainer time yesterday) and while I was there I jumped on the scale (not supposed to do it, but I had to). Two more pounds from yesterday, plus the couple I had lost since Saturday, and I am a VERY happy camper.

To catch everyone up, I started at 338 pounds in May, I was 311 when I started with Gui at the end of November (Black Friday to be exact - yeah some good jokes in that I am sure). Today I was 265! That means overall I am down 73 lbs since May and 46 of that  in the 16 or so weeks I have been with the trainer.

I wouldn't be me if I didn't admit I was slightly unhappy with the number, I had set a goal of 75 lbs for this trip, but I can't be upset about it. I would NEVER have thought I could accomplish what I have. And as long as I hit the 75 by my birthday I am good with it all.

I think my shopping trip last night did a LOT to help me be ok with it. Last week the trainer asked me a question, and I struggled to get the answer he wanted from me. He asked if I could look great in a bikini but the scale still said 269 would I be ok with it. The true answer I felt was no, but I know that wasn't the answer he was going for, but it was how I felt. That number is such a block for me.

But last night, for a short time, it just didnt matter. I needed to go pick up a pair of pants for the trip. They are the same pants that in October I was wearing a 12x in. Last night I walked into the store and despite the sale girls insistance I was smaller than I thought, I started with a 4x - too big, a 3x - too big, a 2x - too big, a 1x - too big....I bought a 0x, which was the smallest size they are made in. I was ESTATIC.  I had a similar experience with the shirt I bought. And left the store in tears (happy tears).

I could not be leaving for this trip in a better frame of mind. My weight had really stagnated the last couple weeks, but thank to my amazing trainer (who changed my workouts back to heavy weight) I finally am moving forward again. This seems to happen every time we make that shift.

Laura is prepping everything for me in Israel, almond milk, blender, fridge. I have my list of assignments from Gui as far as working out (including a massage!!!!! Gotta love him!).

My suitcase is full of shorts and bathing suits (neither of which I would have willingly worn in public a year ago) and other new smaller clothes!

I feel ready and excited (admittedly still a little antsy about this long without the trainer). BRING IT ON!!!!!!


I promise to take lots of pics and will try to blog on this blog or my Israel one (will at least put links here to that blog).

Packing fun and a new goal...

36 hours to go (til plane leaves Atlanta for Tel Aviv). I can't wait. I miss Israel, I miss my friends there and I am just so looking forward to this trip. But before I can get there I have to face the task at hand, packing. You would think as often as I do it, this would be simple, but I am finding packing this time to be a lot more stress provoking than normal. Everything has to be tried on (and the charity pile grows and grows) which is a good thing, except I may be back to that "nekkid in Israel" thing again soon *smile*. Going to do an emergency dash to the store tonight for a pair of dress pants I think.

I realied as I was packing I have one more goal on my list, I can not wait for the day I am thin enough that I can relax if I forget a piece of clothing I need I will be able to walk into a store overseas and EASILY buy something to wear. Clothes shopping in the US is a challenge if you are plus size, clothes shopping overseas when you are plus size is a nightmare.

I have to say that one of the best side effects of losing weight is my luggage gets lighter and lighter and more and more fit in the bag. Thin clothes are a lot smaller to pack *smile*

Now just have to solve the "how am I getting to the airport" puzzle.

Israel

I have had a few emails asking about my relationship with Israel and my travels there. I have a blog I have kept the last two trips, and probably will this time, that covers a lot of that for anyone curious

http://ylcisrael2008.blogspot.com/

Forget not wanting to go, I may never want to come back...

Two days ago I wasn't sure I was ready for this trip to Israel, now I am not sure I will ever want to leave. Yup I talked to Laura again this morning. She has it all figured out and I feel so absolutely ready to be there.

Almond milk - not only do they have it, they have my Chocolate Almond Milk (eat your hearts out EAT classmates *smile*). Laura will have it waiting when I get off the plane.

Fridge - Laura talked to the hotel, good to go on this too. That plus her blender and I am all set on the protein shakes.

Gym - the hotel has a great Cybex gym and we now have the full list of equipment so Gui can send some guidelines. They also have a full schedule of classes, thinking of trying something called  Feldenkrais (yeah I had to google what is was also). The best part, which I remember from my stay at this hotel 8 years ago, the workout room over looks the sea. It doesn't get better than that!!!

Spa - Cybex also runs a full spa at the hotel. I see facials and a massage in my future. Will have to make hard decisions on whether to go with the coconut wrap or the chocolate (heck if I can't eat it I might as well wear it *grin*))

Pool - beautiful outdoor pool, again over looking the sea.

Add to that the healthy, fresh grown food that I am so used to in Israel and this should be "a piece of cake".

I will admit not having the trainer for 2 weeks is a little intimidating (but I fear he wouldn't like being shoved in my suitcase for 14 hours if I tried to take him with me). Am just hoping the prep we are doing will make that missing piece manageable.

Bring it on, I am so ready to leave now.

Thanks Laura, you are the best!

PS Yes these pictures are from the actual hotel

72 hours and 39 minutes....

Until my plane takes off for Israel (well assuming no one runs the baggage truck into the plane again this time *smile*). As much as I have been talking about this trip coming up, I don't think it really hit me until this evening that I am really going back again. I spoke to both my dear friends, Irwin and Laura, in Israel today and they finally made it click I was heading home again! Irwin through talks of lunches on the beach and Laura (my practical friend *grin*) through talks of what I can bring that they can't get there. Hearing her laughter as she called me over and over again to clarify just filled me with such joy and such a longing to be back there again (my last trip was in October/November of last year). To sit on her couch, to talk about her movie, to just be part of Israel again.

So much has changed since I was there, I am 50 pounds lighter, Laura is many months more pregnant (she had just found out when I last saw her). Last time I struggled to walk and keep up, this time I can't wait to walk on the beach and to possibly take on the hills of Safed.

The other thing that my conversation with Laura changed tonight is I just don't care about the food and exercise stuff anymore related to the trip. Not sure it is a lasting effect, but as we were talking and she was mentioning tracking down what I need, I realized, I just don't care if she finds it or not, I am going to enjoy this trip either way. That may come across as a horrible attitude, please don't take it that way. I think I am just at the point that the joy of going matters to me more than any ramifications of gaining some weight. Also, I think I just need a break from it all so I can come back to this battle rejuvinated. I didn't realize til after talking to her, how tired I am lately, I am exhausted by it all the last few weeks and need to refind that energy I found in Israel 5 months ago that helped me start down the path of joining a club, finding a trainer and moving forward.

I still plan to work out (laura is taking photos of the hotel fitness area today so my trainer can come up with my game plan) and I still plan to watch the foods and try to stay on track, but I have to say, all the angst is gone over the trip. I just want to be there!!!!! To know that four sunrises from now I will be looking out over Tel Aviv and the sea makes me happier than any number on a scale could!

There is nothing more useless than the runway behind you.....the sky above you.... and the gas you left on the ground...

I don't think I had ever used the phrase "love hate relationship" before I started this weight loss adventure. Now I seem to hear it or say it on a daily basis. Mostly it is used in reference to my relationship with food, but as I was sitting in the cafe this morning talking to a friend it seemed to be more about working with the trainer.

I seem to walk away from our sessions frustrated more and more lately and feeling like maybe this isnt as great a pairing as I thought it was, in some ways we are very different and in others I wonder if we are too much alike. It makes communicating challenging and I feel like we are at odds a lot, and I know it is as frustrating for him as it is for me.

But inevitably an hour later when I have had time to process what has been said to me (and often have shed a few tears), I am extremely grateful to have him and wouldn't trade him for the world. He not only challenges me physically, but he challenges me mentally, and I need that. He pushes me outside my comfort zone on every front. And while I hate that initially (it leaves me feeling very vulnerable and at times inadequate - which was today's feeling) in the end it helps me grow so much.

Our workout today was "heavy weight" which I love, it is the hardest thing we do, but for me it is also the most fulfilling. I love the challenge and I always come away knowing that even if I can't do everything he asked, I gave all I had. That works for me! I do much better with that than the high repetition stuff and even the core work (my second favorite) where I tend to wimp out early and get bored.

Unfortunately or fortunately heavy weight also means longer breaks in between sets which leaves more talk time (much to his chagrin I wont talk while we are in the middle of something, I cant concentrate and chat) and of course the topic was food and my mental gymnastics around it all.

The trainer's approach to things (as well as what most of my friends keep telling me) is to focus (*smile* sure my EAT friends got a chuckle out of that) on the positive of what I have already accomplished. And logically I know that makes sense, so I couldn't figure out what it was annoying me so much this morning. It wasn't til I was driving around afterwards that I started to get the problem...the reality is my brain works differently than most people!!!! My motivation is not in what I have already done. It never has been on anything.

I have used the phrase on here before, that I am not wrapping my brain around how much I have changed my body, I realize now that it isnt that I don't get it. It is that that is not a driving force for me. What I have already accomplished is history to me and not what moves me and energizes me. Whether it is work or play or this stuff, I am about the NEXT challenge not the last one and that is hurting me in all this.

Please don't get me wrong, and I think many of you reading and my trainer do, just because I don't focus on what I have accomplished and it doesn't drive me, that doesn't mean I dont realize I did it all and am not proud of it, I am well aware I have lost 70 pounds and it shocks and amazes me. But that is past victories and I just don't see value in concentrating on it.

I am about the next pound to lose and how I get there, not on celebrating the 70 behind me. I am fearful the ones I still have to lose won't come off much more than I am cheering for what I have already done. And I am seeing today that makes me weird. It is not how most people are wired. And because of that people see me as not happy with what I have already done. I am just about looking forward not back. I get my motivation from what I have yet to accomplish. I think and think because I am trying to solve the next challenge!!!!

In my work life, this thinking serves me really well. It is what makes me great at Business Analysis and as a Strategic Planner. I can see the mountain ahead of me and dissect it and come up with the path around, over or through it. It isnt helping me as much with this life style change.

It gets me stuck, it frustrates me and those around me, and is making this journey much harder than it should be. This is not a logical exercise like a word problem or a business challenge. It is not black and white and it doesnt follow the rules. And that puts me way outside my arena of strength. Somehow I have to figure out how to rework the goals ahead of me to fit in my way of thinking, and not sure I know how yet.

My new favorite recipe....

YES, I do have a favorite recipe. I have made this twice now in the last week and it is addictive. And to top it is off it is super easy to make, and very healthy. It tastes like the inside of a pumpkin pie. The consistency is sort of like flan, so have a spoon handy.

Now that I know how it is supposed to turn our according to the recipe, my goal is to try and tweak it a little and replace out the milk with almond milk and also to add some protein powder into it.

But as is it is a great treat and everyone who has been to my house and tried it loves it. I don't put the raisins in it (they are gummy food which I hate *smile*).

Thanks Paige for sharing!

http://www.diabetic-recipes.com/recipes/feb98_b.2.htm

Pumpkin Muffin Meal

1/2 cup (125 g) canned solid-pack pumpkin

1 small ripe banana, 4 ounces (120 g)
1/2 cup (120 ml) 1% milk
1 tablespoon (15 ml) granulated brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon (2.5 ml) pumpkin pie spice
1/4 teaspoon (1.25 ml) salt
1 large egg yolk
2 tablespoons (30 ml) raisins


1.Preheat oven to 300°F (149°C). Lightly spray 5 cups of a standard muffin tin with cooking spray. Fill the 6th cup with a little water.


2.In a food processor or blender, combine all ingredients except raisins until mixture is smooth. Stir in the raisins. Spoon the mixture into the 5 prepared muffin cups. Bake for 45 minutes.


3.Unmold and serve when cool enough to eat by hand or refrigerate for up to 1 week and serve cold.


Per serving: 75 calories (17% calories from fat), 2 g protein, 2 g total fat (0.5 g saturated fat), 15 g carbohydrate, 1 g dietary fiber, 44 g cholesterol, 133 g sodium
Exchanges: 1 carbohydrate (1 fruit)

Can someone please just "blinky thing" me....I want to stop fighting this battle.....

Today was an awesome day. Got up early and went and worked out with a friend who needed some encouragement. Finally got a long standing issue at work resolved (a very nice surprise, thank you to my bosses) and then spent the rest of the day with the friend I had worked out with. We had a great lunch at my favorite middle eastern resturant (Shish in St Paul) and then did some "retail therapy". Even the shopping was great, found things I liked in every store, everything was smaller than I expected. It was just a super day. Which makes it even more frustrating where I am back to tonight, wrestling with food again.

I really wish I could figure out when in my life food became such an enemy, so I could put it to rest once and for all. I am tired of being at odds with myself every waking minute, and if I am honest that is what I am doing. I fight my entire day just to get the minimum calories in without going over and I don't know how to stop it. It's exhausting me, it is taking all the fun out of life and it is just so frustrating.

I was going to say that that battle re-started at dinner tonight but that isn't true, I fought to eat lunch and know I counted every calorie and made sure it wasn't over doing. But I kept it in check. My obsessing really started when I had to figure dinner out. I wasn't hungry, the fact that I had bought smaller sizes made me want to eat even less (more on that in a minute) and so I started pulling through my cabinets for what to eat. As I did I remembered I had an assignment for my nutrition class to throw out anything with trans fat in it, so I grabbed a garbage bag and jumped into it.

Started that project tonight was a big mistake, but didn't realize that til way too late. I should say before I start, I had already long ago done a junk food purge of my kitchen, so there really wasn't anything the trainer would probably consider "bad" left. But I still managed tonight to pull EVERY item out of the cabinet and read every label and purge way more than I should have. Everything with heavy salt, all rice, pasta and such (yeah those should have gone before Passover but didn't happen), anything with sugar, anything with the wrong fats, anythign with two many calories, too many carbs - they all went. Lets just say at the end everything on 6 shelves left fit easily on one shelf. I totally obsessed out and went crazy doing this, and feel like crap now for how my brain works.

Gui said something yesterday as we were talking about food and travel, and I have to admit when he said it, I kind of got an attitude over the comment, but he is right (as usual). The biggest battle I have to figure out is in my head on all this, and the scary part for me is I don't know how to even start that battle. I don't know how to change all the years of hearing "You are fat because you eat too much", of hearing "to lose weight eat less calories". I dont know how to make all the logical evidence of the last four months louder in my head than the past.

I couldn't even look at him yesterday when we were talking about all this and he was trying to make me see that eating nothing is always worse than eating the wrong thing, because the whole time he was saying it the "tape" in my head was finding reasons he was wrong, or didn't get it, or excuses of why I have really lost the weight I have that had nothing to do with what he was saying.

I know I am frustrating him (I heard that tone again yesterday) but I wish the world had the slightest clue how frustrating it is on my side to know I am this messed up in my thinking and not having a clue how to make it stop.

I'm exhausted and still need to go fill in my food journal for today and see how poorly I really did!

There's no place like home....

What an interesting week...after a couple weeks of relative calm and stability this was definitely a roller coaster week. Luckily it got cut short and I got to come home early by 2 days. What a difference waking up in my own bed surrounded by the furbies, eating in my own kitchen and being around friends makes. I have cooked food galore for the next few days, I got trainer time in, went for a walk with a friend and just feel so much better.

Being this attached to being home is very odd to me. I have never felt like this in my life. When I bought my first house I never even put furniture in most of the rooms because I cared so little about being there, every apartment I had before that was just a place. And even this house for the first year and a half, I loved it, but it was just a place. I realized this week, that this is truly home and my place of great security and comfort.

A good friend asked me when I was thinking of moving out here, what I was running from my whole life. I still don't know the answer exactly, but I do think I have finally stopped running. I feel like I have roots for the first time in 40 years. Coming home matters to me now where before it was just a place.

With that said, I am still looking forward greatly to my trip to Israel. That is the place my truest roots grow. I can't wait to see dear friends, to reconnect to my heart and to have some down time staring at the beautiful mediterranean (my hotel is right on the beach).

I can't say the trip doesn't scare me in light of what has gone on this week, but I definitely feel more in control now than I did a few days ago. Again my dear friend Laura is my lifeline on that comfort I think. She is taking pictures of the workout facility at the hotel so the trainer and I can figure out my exercise, she is figuring out where my basic food needs (almond milk particularly) can be found, she is bringing me a blender and checking if we can figure out a fridge. But more importantly, I think just knowing that if I get over my head she is a scream away is what is helping the most.

My friendship with Laura is a great irony, born out of visiting bombs falling from the sky a year ago, but has turned into a really beautiful part of my life. How many other people in the world will tell you, call me at 2am across the world if you need me, and then recount their travel stress in Bosnia to make you feel better!!!! That story certainly put needing a blender in Israel into perspective.

If nothing else came out of this week, I realized how amazing blessed I am with the people around me. I have spent a lot of my life feeling very alone and on my own, but as Momma Koch pointed out a week ago, most of that has probably been me keeping people out instead of there being no one who wanted in.  Thank you all for loving me, even when I make it hard to do!!!!!

Thanks I needed that………….Israel is back on…..

Does anyone remember the old Skin Bracer commercial where a slap across the face was what was needed to bring someone back to reality??? I just got slapped. Thank you Laura!! I truly love you!

I have had someone pull me back from the brink and help me realize that ironically I needed exactly what I said in the blog a couple days ago. Someone to just help me process this all and that alone got me past the meltdown. I needed someone other than me to be the practical, logical person for 5 minutes so I could get back on track. What did it take. Laura saying, I have a blender, I’ll bring it to the hotel! That was all it took. I just needed someone to give me something tangible to turn my logical mind back on and to make me feel I could conquer this and be able to formulate a plan.

I was so overwhelmed by the big picture that I was missing the small details. I am realizing more and more lately that that is what I need more of in my life, both professionally and personally. People who can just help me find solutions when I am over my head. It doesn’t take a lot for me to get back on track. But to now I have had too many people who want to make me feel better or tell me to feel better about it (which is super important too, and I value those people greatly) but not enough of those strategic people who can help me find the plan when I am missing the easy solutions.

Thank you to all my wonderful, supportive caring friends who have been there for me the last couple days. I am truly blessed to have all of you!

Unsure footing....

First, foremost and always I need to thank those of you who sent me amazing notes and comments yesterday. I so appreciate the support, understanding and great suggestions more than you can ever understand. I wish I could say that yesterday ended up where it should have, but I can't. Food was a major problem all day, and this morning I am still struggling.

The big question on my mind, and in many of the comments/notes I received is about my Israel trip. I am deeply divided what to do at this point. The idea of 12 days in a hotel with no fridge, no blender and no real access to a grocery store is not a test I am sure I am ready to conquer yet.

I fear going, getting there and being miserable and wasting a lot of money on a trip I don't enjoy. But at the same time I so love Israel and my trips there and have looked forward to this for so long and only have one 40th birthday, which was the point of the trip. I feel like either direction I will end up regretting. I am currently leaning towards postponing the trip til the fall when I am in a better place, but still have a couple people I want to talk to before I make that decision.

I have to admit, this week is one of the first times I have really started wondering if doing all this with my weight is really worth it. Don't get me wrong I love how I feel physically and I know in that direction it is definitely the right thing. But at the same time, I feel like it is impacting my life in ways I am not sure are good. It has made travel which I so loved before so hard and complicated that I dread it. That is a pretty high cost when my career is based on travel. This was one of my great fears coming into this, could it realistically work with my travel. In the last 3 months I have been home much more than I normally would be, and wonder now if in doing that I was kidding myself that I could succeed at this because it wasn't my normal environment.

Anyway, off to another day of work. Tonight is another set of flights and off to the next city.

Clarification on "walls closing in"

From the comments/emails I have received today, thank you for the support btw, it was obvious that I was not clear enough this morning with my emotions to get my point across. This is not about the 2 pounds I gained. This is about food. This is about not feeling I am in a place to get what I need in the way I need. Yes weight is the downstream result of that, but it is a loss of control over my food situation that is the root of how I feel right now.